On this chilly Saturday morning...

My dear one,
This is the kind of lazy Saturday morning I wish could be spent with you. Instead I find myself restless and melancholy, starved for meaningful conversation with someone who can see into my soul and know who I really am.

Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you. May God use you in ways large and small as you go about your day today, and may He strengthen you for the challenges you face.

Waiting,
Me

Grace for every hurdle

So Spirit, come, put strength in ev’ry stride,

Give grace for ev’ry hurdle,

That we may run with faith to win the prize

Of a servant good and faithful.

As saints of old still line the way,

Retelling triumphs of His grace,

We hear their calls and hunger for the day

When, with Christ, we stand in glory.

(Keith Getty & Stuart Townend)

More autumn joy

My dear one,

Until I have you in my life to surprise me with flowers, I must content myself with buying them myself. Aren't they lovely?

And in further celebration of my favorite time of year, I am enjoying some real pumpkin spice coffee (not that awfully sweet goo from Starbucks...). Care to join me for a cup?

Psalm 69

Verses 13, 16-17...
    But as for me, my prayer is to You, O LORD.
        At an acceptable time, O God,
        in the abundance of Your steadfast love answer me in Your saving faithfulness.
    Answer me, O LORD, for Your steadfast love is good;
        according to Your abundant mercy, turn to me.
    Hide not Your face from Your servant;
        for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.

These verses call to mind my pastor's sermon from this morning, taken from the text of Deuteronomy 2:7:
For the LORD your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the LORD your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing.
Both that sermon and my "Psalm of the day" speak of God's faithfulness and steadfast love.The context of Deuteronomy 2:7 is Moses' farewell address, in which he looks back over the past 40 years in firsthand testimony of "how all this time the Lord has blessed us."

1) Yes, the course of the Christian's life often involves great trials.

• But it is God who brings His people into those hard places. "Whatever the Lord pleases, He does" (Psalm 135:6). 
• God has good reason for bringing us into those hard places. I.e., our sanctification! (See Deut. 8:2.) His purposes are always wise and loving, though we may not fully understand. His goal is our conformity to the image of Christ. 
• Those wilderness experiences do not last forever. One day we will look at them from the perspective of a glorious eternity in God's presence.

2) The place of trial is also the place of blessing.

• God's presence with His people: He never abandons His children during "wilderness times." "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." He loved us enough to die for us, and He will keep us all the days of our life.
• God's pity for His people: sympatheitic knowledge, understanding, compassion. He is not unfeeling. Hebrews 4 tells us that our great High Priest is touched with the feeling of our weaknesses. I often remind myself that Christ knew greater loneliness than I will ever have to experience.
• God's prosperity to His people: He caused their families and flocks to increase even while in the wilderness. "You have not lacked a thing" ... even though they didn't always feel that way. Philippians 4:19 - And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. He not only blesses us along with a trial, but blesses us by and in and through a trial.

3) God's immense blessing of His people will continue forever.

• He has not failed me in the past; He will not fail me ever! 
• Moses was telling the people to look ahead in hope and confidence. 
• This expectation must produce dependence on Him and devotion to Him.

Saturday adventures

My dear one,

Today started early, as I ventured out to run a 5K race with some music colleagues. The sky was a beautiful canvas of colors when I hopped in my car...

The run was held on the beautiful campus of a nearby university, and the lake was calm except for a few black swans. I beat my goal time by 2:49! Success! Slowly getting back into this running thing...

When I got home I took a short "recovery nap," and then got to work in the kitchen preparing a meal to take to tomorrow's church supper for the college students. I made jambalaya as an homage to my alma mater and favorite team...

My heart was unusually light today, yet I found myself feeling lonely for you, my someone... It's just not quite right without you here with me to enjoy these little pleasures. I don't want to continue going through life without that companionship I crave.

Waiting,
Me

Autumn

My dear one,

I miss the vibrant hues of autumn in the north, where I spent my childhood. Alas, it was in 1999 that I enjoyed my last northern fall season. But even here, where in the south I have been "transplanted," this time of year makes my heart sing!

I often get away from work early on Fridays, and this afternoon I found myself sitting on my favorite rock down by the river. Not only my mind, but also my soul, feels clearer after this "escape."

This is my Father's world:
O let me ne'er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the Ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
The battle is not done;
Jesus who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and heaven be one.

(Maltbie B. Babcock)

Psalm 70

Verses 4-5...
    May all who seek You
        rejoice and be glad in You!
    May those who love Your salvation
        say evermore, “God is great!”
    But I am poor and needy;
        hasten to me, O God!
    You are my help and my deliverer;
        O LORD, do not delay!

Spurgeon: 

Faith will boldly plead all God's gracious relationships. She will say to Him, "Art Thou not the creator? Wilt Thou forsake the work of thine own hands? Art Thou not the Redeemer, Thou hast redeemed thy servant, wilt Thou cast me away? ... Thou art a Father, and wouldst Thou chasten us [as] though thou wouldst kill? A Father, and hast Thou no sympathy and no bowels of compassion? A Father, and canst Thou deny what Thine own child asks of Thee?"

Faith, moreover, pleads the performances of God, she looks back on the past and says, "Lord, thou didst deliver me on such and such an occasion; wilt thou fail me now?" She, moreover, takes her life as a whole, and pleads thus:—

"After so much mercy past,

Wilt thou let me sink at last?"

Beauty in the unexpected

My dear one,
I have been conducting an "exercise of gratitude" -- in which I look for little things throughout my day that make me smile, sing, and thank my heavenly Father. When possible, I've been snapping a photo of these small gifts in my day. 

The other afternoon after work I was sitting on my couch, glad to be home ... when out of the corner of my eye I saw something glittering, sparkling, reflecting the afternoon sunlight. I stood up and walked to the sliding glass door that leads out to the narrow balcony. And I saw it there, up in the magnolia tree, a carefully woven spiderweb. I ran and grabbed my camera to capture the scene before the rays of sun changed their position!

Sometimes I feel like my life is as fragile as a web. And as unnoticeable. But it is a web intricately spun by the Master Designer, and when the light of His countenance shines upon it, that web will glisten bright and beautiful.

With mercy and with judgment 

My web of time He wove,
And aye, the dews of sorrow 

Were lustered with His love;
I’ll bless the hand that guided, 

I’ll bless the heart that planned
When throned where glory dwelleth 

In Immanuel’s land.

(Anne R. Cousin)

Psalm 71

Verses 5, 8, 14,17-21...
    For You, O Lord, are my hope,
        my trust, O LORD, from my youth...
    My mouth is filled with Your praise,
        and with Your glory all the day...
    But I will hope continually
        and will praise You yet more and more...
    O God, from my youth You have taught me,
        and I still proclaim Your wondrous deeds.
    So even to old age and gray hairs,
        O God, do not forsake me,
    until I proclaim Your might to another generation,
        Your power to all those to come.
    Your righteousness, O God,
        reaches the high heavens.
    You who have done great things,
        O God, who is like You?
    You who have made me see many troubles and calamities
        will revive me again;
    from the depths of the earth
        You will bring me up again.
    You will increase my greatness
        and comfort me again.

These verses are my prayer tonight! O how fitting the psalms are. I cry these words to You tonight, my Father.

Run with me

My dear one,
As I jogged along a shady path this afternoon after work, I wondered what it would be like to have you as my running partner. No doubt you would push me further than I push myself. We'd run in silence, just enjoying the sound of autumn leaves crunching beneath our feet. I fell asleep on the couch after my run, dreaming about you, my love.
Still waiting for you,
Me

Psalm 72

Verses 12, 18-19...
    He delivers the needy when he calls,
        the poor and him who has no helper...
    Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel,
        who alone does wondrous things.
    Blessed be His glorious name forever;
        may the whole earth be filled with His glory!
    Amen and Amen!

Time and time again, I tell myself that only by the unimaginable providence of God will you ever find me, my dear one. For now you and I are separated by an unbridgeable gulf, and fate will only see us lonely for the rest of our lives. 

But I truly believe that if we both call upon God "who alone does wondrous things," He will bring us together for His glory. Then, side by side, we will reflect the love of Christ for His people as we unite in covenant love and show the love of God to a dark world.

To a Magnolia Flower

I saw thy beauty in its high estate
Of perfect empire, where at set of sun
In the cool twilight of thy lucent leaves
The dewy freshness told that day was done.

Hast thou no gift beyond thine ivory cone's
Surpassing loveliness? Art thou not near—
More near than we—to nature's silentness;
Is it not voiceful to thy finer ear? ...

Set wide the glory of thy radiant bloom!
Call every wind to share thy scented breaths!
No life is brief that doth perfection win.
To-day is thine—to-morrow thou art death's!

(Silas Weir Mitchell, 1829-1914)

I hear you

My dear one, I see your loneliness. I want to share in your emptiness. I will listen. Sing to me...

 

Shamed into solitude,
Shunned by the multitude,
I learned to listen;
In my dark, my heart heard music.
I longed to teach the world,
Rise up and reach the world;
No one would listen;
I alone could feel the music.

Then at last, a voice in the gloom
Seemed to cry "I hear you;
I hear your fears,
Your torment and your tears."
She saw my loneliness,
Shared in my emptiness;
No one would listen,
No one but her
Heard as the outcast hears. 

(Phantom of the Opera) 

 

Psalm 73

Verses 25-26...
    Whom have I in heaven but You?
        And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
    My flesh and my heart may fail,
        but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I am slooooowly learning the contentment that the Lord would have me to know. He is my strength and portion, which means that I can face the ache of loneliness with hands upturned before Him, trusting that He will give a gift better than earthly companionship.

Returning to hope

My dear one,

I must confess that for a while now my hope of finding you has been all dead. The end of summer was trying. The heat was oppressive and I was lethargic and cranky. I turned to "easy" meals instead of eating right. I dreaded the return to my job. 

And suddenly there I was, back to teaching (and yes, feeling slightly overwhelmed by all the changes that had taken place during my leave of absence). Still feeling horrible, lonely, dead inside. Bitter over the fact that everyone I know has a special someone.

Then, as a faint whisper but growing more and more obvious, autumn crept in. The lengthening shadows gave the first hint, followed by the drop in extreme humidity. Then the mornings brought that delicious coolness I have craved for so long. Colored leaves against a blue sky, apple cider, college football games on a Saturday afternoon, warm pumpkin muffins, damp grey days made cozy with a warm scarf around my neck... 

And with the return of this my favorite time of year, my hopes have also returned. I went back to running -- enjoying the marvelous trails downtown that follow the river. I settled into my new apartment. I settled into a new church home as well -- not the same one I attended when I lived here before, but one I have prayed about joining for seven years. Seems a bit shameful to admit I have departed from my Baptist upbringing,  but I feel like all my life has been pointing me towards making this step. A different denomination, yes, but one that preaches Christ in a way that makes me want to fall on my face in wonder and praise and gratitude. This church keeps me going, week in, week out. My suffocated prayer life has had new energy breathed into it. I have been able to participate in the music ministry, contribute meals to the weekly supper for college students, provide rides for an elderly lady who lives in my complex, and take dinners to a dear couple caring for a dying mother. Are you in this church, my dear one? Do I sing and pray and read God's Word with you each week?

I start crying even now, wanting with everything that I am to see you, talk to you, share my life with you. Will you resonate with the loneliness I feel? Will you see past the quiet smile as I greet you and sense the ache in my heart for relationship ... beyond mere pleasantries and meaningless chit-chat?

My dear one, come before it is too late. Before I give up all hope and sink too deeply into this solitary life that is pulling me down like quicksand.

Waiting,
Me