Downtown Dreaming

My dear one, 

I found myself downtown with unexpected free time this beautiful Thursday evening, because my presence was not needed for the second half of a symphony rehearsal. So I walked around for a while, enjoyed the sunset view from the bridge over the waterfall, and ventured into a new gourmet deli for a light supper. After a busy morning and afternoon of teaching, followed by a hasty commute to the concert hall, the peaceful evening was a balm to my soul! 

If you had been sitting across from me at the little cast iron table outside City Hall, we'd have chuckled over the repetitive strains of the blues saxophonist busking across the street. We'd wonder exactly how much it would cost to take one of those carriage rides when we saw the horse clip-clopping up Main Street. You might have observed the glance I cast in the direction of the outdoor ice rink, and persuaded me to make my first iceskating attempt arm-in-arm with you. Perhaps you would have taken me to one of the cozy coffeeshops around the corner. One day...

Your Evenstar

Is it unreasonable?

My dear one, 

Just a quick note this evening as I'm waiting to meet a former college roommate for dinner. You're more likely to hear from me on a frequent basis if I don't put upon myself the high expectation of a lengthy missive.

I sometimes feel that it's unreasonable to pray for someone who loves the Lord with his whole heart yet can also love me despite my sinful heart. Someone who is not a pharisaical legalist but still stays away from alcohol, rock music, and movie theaters. Someone who thinks deeply and carefully about Reformed theology and fundamental doctrinal matters yet is not swept up in the popular worldly worship styles. Someone who speaks well but doesn't pridefully seek the center of attention.

And then there are the little things... Someone who will go to art museums and art galleries with me and hold my hand during the symphony concert and can also enjoy target practice with me or take me to a college football game. Someone who has good taste in fashion and personal style yet is not swept up in the materialism and immodesty of our culture. Someone who wouldn't think it crazy to jump in the car for a summer road-trip across the country on I-40, but is willing to do so on a shoestring budget. Someone who values the characteristics of a "Proverbs 31 woman" but will let me off the hook now and then from my kitchen duties and treat me to Taco Tuesday or Thai takeout. 

You'd be surprised at what I can put up with. I'm a relatively patient and forgiving gal. So, what do you say? Perhaps give me a chance?

Waiting still...

Your Evenstar

Trying to type on my phone tonight...

My dear one, 

I'm attempting this letter on my phone since I no longer have internet service here at my apartment. I should be in bed already (power snatches at the gym at 6am tomorrow...), but I'm sipping a decaf chai which tastes better than ever because I'm drinking from my new mug from a friend who owns the most delightful pottery shop in Oxford, England. 

It's been a music-filled week here. This past Friday night I played in a community orchestra patriotic concert – the highlight of which was Dvorak 9. Saturday evening was spent with my "Symphony Season Ticket" friends; the seven of us enjoyed a dinner potluck meal together and attended the performance of some Russian favorites. And this afternoon I rehearsed with an organist friend in preparation for services at his church next Sunday, then hurried back to my own church for choir practice. The upcoming work week will feel calm in comparison!

I ran a hypothetical scenario through my mind recently and it prompted some interesting developments. In this scenario you came home one day with a thoughtful and practical gift that showed your gratitude for my daily work in the kitchen: a memory foam rug to put under my feet while I washed dishes at the sink. After using this mat for a while I came to the point where I decided it was in the way, hard to keep clean, or something like that – and I wanted to remove it but felt afraid of disappointing you. 

This imagined situation helped me understand why I'm often reticent to give others a specific gift: I don't want to be the one giving an albatross. Because I often project negative responses onto those around me when running through hypothetical situations, I can end up paralyzed in inaction. "If I give So-and-so the gift of such-and-such, she might hate it, so maybe I should give her a nice gift card instead... but what if she thinks a gift card to be too impersonal?" I certainly hope I will be able to speak your "love language." Maybe not fluently at first, but with you giving me a few lessons I'm sure I can catch on quickly! 

I hate to end this letter abruptly, but sleep calls. Perhaps I'll attempt more regular letters. You are in my prayers. 

Your Evenstar

A worm named Selfishness

My dear one, 

Selfishness is a sneaky fellow. He worms his way into my wishes and motives, not to mention my daily routines. Because I live alone, it is all too easy to forget how selfish I am as I go about my day. There is no one to complain about my strange and infinitely long music playlists. There is no one to question my preparing and eating an identical menu for days on end. There is no one to prevent me from napping at 6pm after teaching all day. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is merely selfishness at the root of my longing for you. I would hope that if the Lord brings you into my life, my thoughts would be focused not upon how you can make me happy, but rather upon how we can do the work of the Kingdom better together than we can apart. Though you would make me happy, you would no doubt also bring an aspect of hardship to my world, for no relationship is without heartache. Perhaps there will be physical suffering, needy family members, workplace conflict, or spiritual battles that I must help you bear. That will call for a selflessness and self-sacrifice of which I can know but little right now. My current life is a comparatively simple affair – teaching classes and music lessons, serving in church ministries, participating in community volunteer opportunities, performing in and attending concerts, hiking area mountain trails, training at the gym, and hiding in the corners of my favorite coffee shops… Will I ever look back wistfully at these days of singleness? 

“Even when the cloud continued over the tabernacle many days, the people of Israel kept the charge of the Lord and did not set out… Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time, that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out” (Numbers 9:19, 22). God has lessons to teach me while I am in this place (even if I think I could learn them better with a companion at my side!). I must not worry about how long He intends to keep me in my present situation. I must not try to predict how or when change may come. I just need to keep my eyes resting on the signs of His presence, and trust His leading! 

The weather finally broke today after an unusually hot and humid string of October days. I sat outside enjoying the nip of the night air, wrapped in a cozy cardigan and sipping a hot chai latte. The words favorite hymns brought renewed spiritual resolution: 

May the love of Jesus fill me 

As the waters fill the sea; 

Him exalting, self abasing,

This is victory.

(Kate B. Wilkinson) 

With mercy and with judgment 

My web of time He wove, 

And aye the dews of sorrow 

Were lustered by His love; 

I’ll bless the hand that guided, 

I’ll bless the heart that planned, 

When throned where glory dwelleth 

In Immanuel’s land. 

(Anne Ross Cousin)

Comfort in sorrow

My dear one,

I write to you tonight across time and space, for I've recently been feeling as if I'm stuck in the wrong generation, or wrong century, or wrong world. (Or maybe you are?) I'm still working on resigning myself to the fact that our paths may never cross. But I still can throw these words out there, like a message in a bottle.

This summer has provided much-needed refreshment. I've been crossing creeks and climbing mountains, teaching music lessons and preparing concert music, helping with Bible clubs and mentoring young people, lifting weights and counting macros, scoping out new coffeeshops and haunting used book stores... And in less than three weeks, I will launch into my duties for the 2017-18 academic year. My department has shrunk by 50%, and extra responsibilities will now fall on my shoulders.

This coming Lord's Day is our pastor's last Sunday with us. I must be feeling something akin to the emotions of Christ's disciples when He told them of His impending departure. My pastor's messages from God's Word have always given me something to hold onto amidst the stormy seas, and now my only lifeline is being cut.

Because I have said these things unto you, 

sorrow hath filled your heart. 

Nevertheless I tell you the truth; 

It is expedient for you that I go away: 

for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; 

but if I depart, I will send him unto you. 

(John 16:7)

I can do nothing but dig deeper into the Scriptures for comfort now, for it is through those Words of Life that the Holy Spirit can minister to my heart's anguish.

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; 

that I might learn thy statutes. 

(Psalm 119:71)

Perhaps you know sorrow in your heart right now, my dear one. I'm not there to wipe even one of your tears, but we both have the same loving Comforter. May you continue to rest in Him as I learn to do the same!

Praying for you, 

Your Evenstar

Only the Lord is faithful

My dear one,

I don't know if the words will come. The reality that I may never know you has been painfully present these past several months, and my heart aches to even verbalize this thought.

When I was with my family last month, keenly feeling my grandfather's absence now that he is with the Lord, I cautioned myself that there are very, very few men left like my grandfather. Or my father, for that matter.

I am on the Titanic, in just about every facet of life, and wondering how long it'll stay afloat. My church is seeing some dark days and our pastor has been called to another assembly. My place of employment has had some extreme budget cuts and layoffs, and my workload is to increase this fall. At both my job and my church, I am pretty much taken for granted, and no one knows how lonely I am.

I just keep whispering these words:
"Change and decay in all around I see,
O, Thou Who changest not, abide with me."

Only the Lord is faithful.

Perhaps you see this too. Maybe you are walking a dark or foggy path, not able to see where the Lord is leading you. Remember that His Word is a lamp for our feet on such a path. Maybe you feel, like Elijah, that "you alone are left." Remember that the Lord has His servants in the least expected places, though you may not know them yet. Keep trusting, keep praying, keep smiling. The Lord will use you in great ways.

I am praying for you, my dear one, even if I never meet you!
Your Evenstar

February catch-up

My dear one, 

A month has passed ever so quickly! The much anticipated snow I mentioned in my last letter did make a glorious, albeit brief, appearance. It is likely the only snow I will see this winter, so I savored every moment. As I walked down a quiet road in my neighborhood, with the snow yet untouched, I enjoyed a special time of morning prayer!

At the end of January, I and a University colleague gave a lecture recital at a out-of-state music convention -- another God-given opportunity! The event was held in Florida, so on Sunday morning before our return trip, we attending the morning worship service at Saint Andrew's Chapel. The music was most excellent and exquisite and it was very memorable to hear Dr. R.C. Sproul in person!

Also at the end of January, I finished my first Whole30 challenge and have been continuing to ride the momentum by beginning a second round! Very excited about improved health due to cutting out the foods that had been secretly sabotaging some of my energy...

Last week I received something special in the mail: my "Hike 100" challenge pin from Great Smoky Mountains National Park! It was so inspiring to complete the 100-mile challenge during the centennial celebration of the National Park Service. Here's to even more miles in 2017!

I continue to think about you with every breathtaking sunset I view. How lovely it would be to show you around this small city someday! Honestly, I haven't explored many of the restaurants and coffeeshops... but they are there in abundance, waiting for us.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend of God's continued blessings... wherever you are are, my dear one!

With much prayer and hope, 
Your Evenstar

Goodbye Christmas... Hello, snow

My dear one,

Rain has begun this afternoon, with snow close on its heels. I'm more excited than is warranted... Ever since my parents moved away from Western New York, I have been nostalgic at every snowflake that comes my way here in a more "southern" state.

I just finished storing away all my Christmas decorations. A bittersweet farewell to one season, and an expectant greeting to the next! January and February typically leave me feeling hollow and listless, but I've done much already to ward off those feelings this year. I have a lovely binder full of short-term and long-term projects and goals. And fear not, there is room for you in those plans. Truly, many of them are designed to prepare me for the bright future when at long last you will be in the picture.

My career goals are necessarily flexible; I don't want to become too tied down at this institution where I presently teach. And that means maintaining a vibrant performing schedule and building connections within my field: visiting colleges throughout the southeast to give master classes and solo recitals, publishing articles in certain relevant journals, performing/speaking at regional and national conferences and conventions, etc. Even if my heart is not always in it. All this so that if I ever move (or am terminated from my current position, perish the thought...), I will have a curriculum vitae worthy of consideration for another institution. Yet I don't yearn for fame in the normal sense of the word. If anything, I want to be known as a shining light for Christ. When I am gone, I want those who knew me to be able to say, "Yes, she was a wonderful musician and teacher, but even more importantly she was committed to Christ and living out the gospel before her neighbors. She was a dedicated teacher who loved her students and encouraged them to use their abilities for the Kingdom."

...So it follows that another one of my priorities is that of hospitality and friendship. I truly desire to be a better friend and encourager to those around me. Last night a friend came over and we chatted over a simple cup of tea. Slowly, my arsenal of tasty, nutritional, foolproof recipes is increasing. My latest adventure was making Whole30-compliant sausage patties with pork from a local farm. (Food tastes all the better when I know the quality of every ingredient!) I like to think that it's a recipe you'd ask for frequently... It's my goal to get more comfortable inviting folks over to my apartment; I've been unduly nervous about sounding pathetic in doing so. But if I were in another's shoes, wouldn't I jump at the chance at an invitation to a home-cooked meal and old-fashioned fellowship?

...The rain is now of the freezing variety. The ice creates a roar as it hit the hardy leaves of the magnolia outside my window. I'll not be venturing out for the rest of the day, so I've changed into my fuzzy robe and lit my wood-wick candle. Winter weather is made for cozy times like this (or is it the other way around?). Please tell me I'm not pathetic for making the best of my solitude, embracing it, enjoying edifying books and seasons of prayer...

Praying for you, my dear one...
Your Evenstar

Nothing but the empty air

And sometimes, at nighttime 

I dream that you are there-- 

But wake holding nothing but the empty air...

My dear one, 

Last night I dreamed of a conversation with you, though you did not have a face. I'm sorry for this constant doubt that you exist somewhere out there. For idolizing the idea of you while not having an inkling of what you are actually like. For not being patient for God's timing. For the mistakes I will make when I meet you. For the ways I will let you down or disappoint you. I'm sorry for your frustration in finding the right girl. For the times you've been hurt in the past. For the ways you will be misunderstood or falsely accused in the future. 

How can I wait? The nights alone are kind; 

They reach forth to a future day, and bring 

Sweet dreams of you to people all my mind; 

And time speeds by on light and airy wing. 

I feast upon your face, I no more sing, 

How can I wait? 

How can I wait? The morning breaks the spell 

A pitying night has flung upon my soul. 

You are not near me, and I know full well 

My heart has need of patience and control; 

Before we meet, hours, days, and weeks must roll, 

How can I wait? 

(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

...

On a happier note, some friends from church announced their upcoming adoption of a little boy from China. They have the sweetest story-- their fourth baby, whom I'll call "Michael," was born with a heart condition (which has been treated over a series of surgeries through the past few years), and they became burdened for other heart babies who have no one to invest in the necessary medical treatment. When Michael was two, they adopted a three-year-old girl from China ("Gabriela") and she has already had several surgeries and much improvement. Michael and Gabriela are now both in my Sunday School class. And very soon "Daniel," only 17 days younger than Michael, will be joining the family! I find myself wondering if you would ever consider the ministry of adoption for our family. It is certainly a subject I'd love to at least discuss with you... And when I say that, I'm not being pushy. Contrary to what many women hold, "discussion" does not mean winning a man over to the woman's view of things. But I digress! Ever since reading Russell Moore's book Adopted for Life I have been captivated by the beauty of adoption and its picture of the gospel.

I have three flute students lined up for afternoon lessons. Though I still have a week left of my Christmas break, they're back into their school schedules, so I'm perfectly willing to teach them anyway. The income that my home teaching brings in is a blessing!

Wherever this first Monday of the new year finds you, I wish you God's best and am praying for you!

Loving you, 
Your Evenstar

New Year's Eve

My dear one, 

You know I must be missing you if I write two letters in a single day... The hours and minutes left in this year 2016 are few, but my thoughts of you are many. Unlike most, I'm spending the evening quietly, at home, listening to the peaceful music of Ludovico Einaudi. I just finished preparing the Sunday School lesson I must teach tomorrow, after a brisk walk in the chilly evening, and now water for tea is heating on the stove. I have some pumpkin cranberry crackers and goat cheese as an accompanying evening snack... something of a "last celebration" before I begin a Whole30 month tomorrow (no grains, legumes, dairy, or sugar - fun!). January seems to be a good time for a dietary reboot! 

Tallying up the books I read in 2016, Goodreads reports that I completed 34 books, which was 4 more than my goal of 30. Only 4 of the 34 were categorized as fiction. Perhaps I'll set my goal for 2017 as 36 books (3 books per month).

Here's a list of the ones I rated as 5 stars (out of 5) in 2016:

1. Sound in Motion: A Performer's Guide to Greater Musical Expression (David McGill)
2. The Next to Last Word: Service, Hope, and Revival in the Postexilic Prophets (Michael P. V. Barrett)
3. Intelligent Music Teaching: Essays on the Core Principles of Effective Instruction (Robert A. Duke)
4. A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble (Paul David Tripp)
5. The Magnolia Story (Chip and Joanna Gaines)

I wish I could find "book club friends" who are not only interested in insipid fiction. I prefer books that make me think -- either inspiring me or challenging my thinking. I read with pencil in hand, underlining as I go. A friend who borrowed a book from me a few weeks ago no doubt is shaking his head at all my underlined passages. (Or maybe he finds them helpful... One can hope...) When I am in someone's home, my eye always wanders to the bookshelves. I find it intriguing to observe someone's choice in books, which is usually quite revealing of personality, values, and interests. I wonder how many books you and I have in common?

...

Standing at the portal

Of the opening year,

Words of comfort meet us,

Hushing every fear;

Spoken thru the silence

By our Savior’s voice,

Tender, strong and faithful,

Making us rejoice.

Refrain:

Onward, then, and fear not,

Children of the day;

For His Word shall never,

Never pass away.

“I, the Lord, am with thee,

Be thou not afraid;

I will help and strengthen

Be thou not dismayed.

Yea, I will uphold thee

With My own right hand;

Thou art called and chosen

In My sight to stand.”

For the year before us,

O what rich supplies!

For the poor and needy

Living streams shall rise;

For the sad and sinful

Shall His grace abound;

For the faint and feeble

Perfect strength be found.

He will never fail us,

He will not forsake;

For His eternal covenant

He will never break.

Resting on the promise,

What have we to fear?

God is all sufficient

For the coming year.

(Frances Ridley Havergal)

I'm looking forward to being back at my church tomorrow... to singing the timeless hymns and psalms with fellow-saints young and old, to hearing my pastor bring the Word, to dedicating the new year unto the Lord!

A verse for you for 2017: 

"It is the Lord who goes before you. 

He will be with you; 

He will not leave you or forsake you. 

Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deut. 31:8)

Walk with Him, my sweetheart. Trust Him. That is the most important thing you can do. (And it can only bring you closer towards finding me!)

Love always, 

Your Evenstar

Looking forward...

My dear one,

I'm back home from my travels, just in time to see in the new year. I restocked my refrigerator and pantry and washed my car this morning. My Christmas tree lights are lit, and I plan to leave the tree up until Friday. The "12 days of Christmas" give me some extra time to savor the beauty of this season. I actually have some other white lights strung up in my apartment that remain year-round and add to the cozyiness factor... like the Danish concept of hygge. 

My time with family went fairly smoothly. It's heartbreaking to see how much my grandfather's health and strength has deteriorated since I last visited. He couldn't be getting any better care though -- my grandmother and parents are lovingly meeting all his needs at home. My grandparents have been married for 63 years and are truly an example of a loving, godly couple. I was thrilled that that one of my brothers was there for a part of the time; we had fun shooting and cleaning our guns together. When we video-chatted with my other brother and his wife, they shared the news that they're expecting their first little one in August. The Lord blessed them with a new house, and now this... To be honest, I just want to cry when I see God's goodness in the lives of my family and friends and yet feel such a lack in that area of my own life. 

True confession: Throughout November and December I surreptitiously experimented with an online dating website... but quickly learned that it's not for me. And in some ways that is a very discouraging realization, for I must acknowledge that it will take a true miracle for you to find me. It would be all too easy for me to lower my standards out of desperation if I continued to participate on a dating site, and that would be a lack of faith in God's sovereignty... like Abraham doubting God's promise of a son and agreeing to Sarah's suggestion of Hagar. I am called to "lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge the Lord in all my ways" -- which I have to pray for daily strength to do! 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, 

But trust Him for His grace; 

Behind a frowning providence 

He hides a smiling face.

But on the whole it's a good thing for me to have refined my mental list of "non-negotiables." Perhaps it's not only a mental list, for here it is for anyone to see:

• Demonstrates a clear articulation of the gospel and has a strong personal testimony.
• Possesses spiritual maturity and discernment.
• Affirms the doctrines of grace.
• Serves at and attends faithfully a conservative, Christ-proclaiming local church.
• Challenges me to a deeper relationship with the Lord.
• Chooses friends wisely.
• Does not play around with worldly pursuits (e.g.,, alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling, public dancing, movie theaters, rock music).
• Is committed to moral purity (both his and mine) and holds the marriage covenant as sacred.
• Possesses good communication skills (both written and spoken).
• Evidences responsibility and a good work ethic.
• Has a vision for his life and is actively pursuing his goals for God's glory.

Is that so unreasonable?? I separate those "non-negotiables" from my preferred "wants," knowing that you, my dear one, will meet the above criteria. But here are the "wants" that I still pray about, not knowing what you might be like beyond those qualities...

• Is quiet and serious most of the time (not flippantly giddy and silly).
• Is self-sufficient (not clingy/needy).
• Possesses above-average musical talents (pleasing voice, piano skills).
• Is physically fit/healthy.
• Enjoys hiking and other outdoor activities.
• Dresses himself smartly yet unostentatiously.

...

I feel ready -- excited even -- for the new year. This past year I received a promotion to associate professor, had some wonderful performance opportunities, and learned more about myself. It has always been my prayer that music would not consume my entire life to the point where I stop enjoying music "because it's what I have to do for a living." At times that has been a challenge: being in academia circles, I often find myself reluctantly agreeing to more and more responsibilities "because I need them for my professional CV and annual review." But by and large, I've been able to keep some sort of balance, carving out time for other ministry opportunities (teaching a 4/5-year-old Sunday School class, volunteering at a juvenile detention group home, cooking meals for college students...). And when I'm able to slip away on a Saturday to hit a hiking trail, I always return recharged and reinvigorated for the next busy week of practicing, teaching, and pouring into the lives of "my kids." I hiked over 100 miles this year!

What will this next year hold? Will I find you? I pray for you and wish God's best for you wherever you are...
All my love, 
Your Evenstar

...

O Lord of the oceans,

My little bark sails on a restless sea,

Grant that Jesus may sit at the helm and steer me safely.

Suffer no adverse currents to divert my heavenward course;

Let not my faith be wrecked amid storms and shoals;

Bring me to harbor with flying pennants,

hull unbreached, cargo unspoiled.

I ask great things,

expect great things,

shall receive great things.

I venture on thee wholly, fully,

my wind, sunshine, anchor, defense.

The voyage is long, the waves high, the storms pitiless,

but my helm is held steady,

thy Word secures safe passage,

thy grace wafts me onward,

my haven is guaranteed.

This day will bring me nearer home.

Grant me holy consistency in every transaction,

my peace flowing as a running tide,

my righteousness as every chasing wave.

Help me to live circumspectly,

with skill to convert every care to prayer.

Halo my path with gentleness and love,

smooth every asperity of temper;

let me not forget how easy it is to occasion grief;

may I strive to bind up every wound,

and pour oil on all troubled waters.

May the world this day be happier and better because I live.

Let my mast before me be the Saviour’s cross,

and every oncoming wave the fountain of his side.

Help me, protect me in the moving sea

until I reach the shore of unceasing praise.

Amen.

(From The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions)

Christmas preparations and prayers

My dear one, 

I'm preparing for a trip to see family for Christmas. I am looking forward to Thursday's ten-hour drive, and my podcast/sermon/audiobook playlists are all queued up. Yet part of me would rather stay in my own little apartment for the holiday. After all, this is home now. My parents live at (and work for) a retirement community that leaves me feeling somewhat depressed. The town where I grew up and the house where I have so many childhood memories are no longer a part of my Christmastime. I love my parents and grandparents dearly, but there are inevitable conflicts that arise over unexpected misunderstandings. I feel like there's no way for them to really understand who I have become. How can I explain my insecurities, frustrations, failures, and unspoken longings? How do I begin to tell them about my goals, challenges, and dreams? And if even my own family doesn't know the real me, how can I ever expect the Lord to give me a soulmate who can read my heart, understand my vision, and sing the same melody along with me? I desperately want this visit to be different. Oh that it could be a proving ground of my abilities to maintain trusting, loving relationships! Occasionally I have daydreamed about what it would be like to introduce you, my dear one, to my family. Certainly there would be some initial awkwardness, but on the whole I would be so eager and excited for them to see and know the treasure God had brought me. I'm praying fervently that you would know the joys of the Christmas season, wherever you are!
...Your Evenstar

Sweeter sounds than music knows 

Charm me in Immanuel's name; 

All her hopes my spirit owes 

To His birth, and cross, and shame.

When He came, the angels sung, 

"Glory be to God on high;" 

Lord, unloose my stamm'ring tongue, 

Who should louder sing than I?

Did the Lord a man become, 

That He might the law fulfil, 

Bleed and suffer in my room, 

And canst thou, my tongue, be still?

No, I must my praises bring, 

Though they worthless are and weak; 

For should I refuse to sing, 

Sure the very stones would speak.

O my Saviour, Shield, and Sun, 

Shepherd, Brother, Husband, Friend, 

Ev'ry precious name in one, 

I will love Thee without end.

– John Newton

Marriage and melancholy

Today a dear friend from my college days married her special someone, and I watched the livestreaming video from afar... in tears. I almost turned it off several times just because it hurts so much to see the blessings and joys that the Lord grants to others while denying me. Like Job, I must learn not to question Why? but rather, What can I learn about my God?

This evening as I was preparing my Sunday School lesson, I came to the precious words at the end of 1 Samuel 1:19 - "...and the Lord remembered her." Hannah had poured out her heart's grief to the Lord. Like Hannah, I must cast my cares and burdens at His feet... including this grief of loneliness in my singleness.

I may never understand what the Lord is doing with me. I can only cling to the truth that He hasn't forgotten me, no matter how loud Satan shouts that lie in my ear.

December thoughts

My dear one,

How can we be halfway through December already? October, November, and December are my three favorite months, and as I drove to prayer meeting with the bright orange supermoon on the horizon and tears trickling down my cheeks, I grieved the fact that another year is almost past without me knowing your smile, your voice, your companionship.

I sit in the warm glow of the delicate white lights on my Christmas tree, and sip a peppermint mocha in celebration of turning in the semester's grades. If you were here I'd have you pick a Christmas playlist to serenade us, but as it is I'm once again defaulting to my favorite John Rutter carol settings.

This past Sunday evening I played for the Lessons and Carols Service at a beautiful church downtown where the people are truly my brothers and sisters in Christ. If my own church did not exists, that is where I would be worshipping week by week. The Lessons and Carols program was executed at a superior level to what my church will offer this coming Sunday evening, but of course that is not my sole criterion for liking or disliking, or choosing or rejecting, a church. Unlike the treacherous behavior of many in even my own church lately, I refuse to break my covenant of membership and loyalty for petty reasons.

After playing in that Lessons and Carols Service, I found myself strolling around the downtown area, admiring the festive window displays, scanning the variety of menus posted in the restaurant doors, gazing wistfully at the small ice skating rink set up for the season, and walking along our beloved bridge that spans a waterfall. Small delights... which I'm able to enjoy alone... but would treasure all the more with you beside me.

"O Little Town of Bethlehem" is playing right now on my Christmas playlist, which reminds me of God's covenant promises. How so? Well, I recently finished taking my Sunday School class through the story of Ruth, tying it into the promise of the Messiah that would be born in the very same town centuries later, in the genealogical line of that poor Moabite widow who was welcomed into the people of God. "The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee [Bethlehem] tonight... How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift is giv'n! So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His heav'n. No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin, where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in... O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel."

I pray that you will know the comforting presence of Emmanuel ("God with us") in what can be a very lonely time of year for those of us still waiting for a fellow-pilgrim to come alongside us as we travel this long journey. I don't know if you're ahead of me on the road, or waiting for me to stop so you can come up to join me, but I pray that the Lord will unite us soon.

Your Evenstar

November's end...

My dear one,

What perfect autumn weather I've been able to enjoy! Allow me to share some of the delightful views I captured (on my phone) through the past two months...