A worm named Selfishness

My dear one, 

Selfishness is a sneaky fellow. He worms his way into my wishes and motives, not to mention my daily routines. Because I live alone, it is all too easy to forget how selfish I am as I go about my day. There is no one to complain about my strange and infinitely long music playlists. There is no one to question my preparing and eating an identical menu for days on end. There is no one to prevent me from napping at 6pm after teaching all day. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is merely selfishness at the root of my longing for you. I would hope that if the Lord brings you into my life, my thoughts would be focused not upon how you can make me happy, but rather upon how we can do the work of the Kingdom better together than we can apart. Though you would make me happy, you would no doubt also bring an aspect of hardship to my world, for no relationship is without heartache. Perhaps there will be physical suffering, needy family members, workplace conflict, or spiritual battles that I must help you bear. That will call for a selflessness and self-sacrifice of which I can know but little right now. My current life is a comparatively simple affair – teaching classes and music lessons, serving in church ministries, participating in community volunteer opportunities, performing in and attending concerts, hiking area mountain trails, training at the gym, and hiding in the corners of my favorite coffee shops… Will I ever look back wistfully at these days of singleness? 

“Even when the cloud continued over the tabernacle many days, the people of Israel kept the charge of the Lord and did not set out… Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time, that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out” (Numbers 9:19, 22). God has lessons to teach me while I am in this place (even if I think I could learn them better with a companion at my side!). I must not worry about how long He intends to keep me in my present situation. I must not try to predict how or when change may come. I just need to keep my eyes resting on the signs of His presence, and trust His leading! 

The weather finally broke today after an unusually hot and humid string of October days. I sat outside enjoying the nip of the night air, wrapped in a cozy cardigan and sipping a hot chai latte. The words favorite hymns brought renewed spiritual resolution: 

May the love of Jesus fill me 

As the waters fill the sea; 

Him exalting, self abasing,

This is victory.

(Kate B. Wilkinson) 

With mercy and with judgment 

My web of time He wove, 

And aye the dews of sorrow 

Were lustered by His love; 

I’ll bless the hand that guided, 

I’ll bless the heart that planned, 

When throned where glory dwelleth 

In Immanuel’s land. 

(Anne Ross Cousin)