As I was going through some old file folders in my ongoing project of decluttering, I ran across some journal pages of letters to you. Here I preserve them digitally...
November 26, 2006
This season of my life is a challenging one, and I am constantly having to look to Scripture for reminders of my goals.
"I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14). [The very same verse that I referenced in this morning's Psalm post!]
"...The woman who is unmarries, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit..." (1 Corinthians 7:34). It is my goal to be entirely devoted to God especially during this time in which I have relatively few distractions.
"That I may know Him..." (Philippians 3:10). That I may be fully acquainted with His nature, His character, His work, and with the salvation which He has wrought.
I want to choose that "good part" that Mary chose. My Christ teach me as I sit at His feet!
January 11, 2007
New semester of teaching, new worries! Since I returned to [place of teaching], I've been anxious about my obligation to get my doctorate, and the recent news of [a colleague's] plan to leave escalates those anxieties!
I don't think my parents realize how scared and vulnerable I feel living on my own. I can't help but wish I could have the comfort and security of marriage when I go back to school. Yet nobody I talk to seems to think that marriage and schooling mix well.
It's almost as if those little stories I wrote at the age of five were prophetic. The little fawn decided to go out "into the world" and got lost and no one could find him. The End. Slightly hopeless, wouldn't you say?
I shouldn't feel hopeless, because of my omniscient Heavenly Father. O for grace to trust Him more!
February 5, 2007
It has been good for me to have a roommate again. It shows me what a selfish person I can be! Speaking of selfishness, my entry on Jan. 11th was quite self-centered. A marriage is not about security, but about service and sacrifice. And I'm not even doing enough of that now, with the relationships God has placed in my life.
April 7, 2007
Nine ways to win my heart:
- Cook my favorite meal
- Share with me what the Lord teaches you
- Use good manners
- Speak a foreign language
- Share your favorite books and music with me
- Sing to me (how about Schumann's "Widmung"?)
- Say my name
- Be comfortable with silence at times
- Smile
July 11, 2007
From The Journals of Jim Elliot:
Genesis 39 -- Thrice in this chapter it is stated of Joseph that "Jehovah was with him." Not only so, but Potiphar saw that "Jehovah was with hime," for whatever this man put his hand to, prospered. Lord, I know Thou art with me, but I fear that because my life is barrent for Thee so much of the time, that You gain little glory from being with me. I pray Thee, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life might be an exhibit to the value of knowing God. Vindicate Thyself through me.When I read those words this evening, I echoed that prayer of Jim Elliot - for myself, and also for you. May God be with you and make your way prosper, for His honor and glory!
July 17, 2007
More convicting words from the pen of Jim Elliot:
Deuteronomy 8 -- I see this morning afresh my God's love for me in His earnest desire to see me prosper. As a father chasteneth his son, so He me. "He suffered thee to hunger that He might prove thee" (vv. 2, 3). His Word is given that I might live (1 Pet. 1:23), multiply (John 15:16), and possess (Heb. 10:34). Simply to have life is not all God purposes for me - but I know nothing of multiplication. I am still only a living soul. God make of me a quickening spirit.August 9, 2007
In my progress through the M'Cheyne Bible reading plan, one of the passages I'm currently reading is the Book of Ruth.
Ruth was serving her widowed mother-in-law when God blessed her. If she had chosen to wallow in self-pity about her circumstances, she would not have been out gleaning wheat, where Boaz took notice of her. Likewise Rebekah was going about her daily chores when Abraham's servant used her service as a guide to find Isaac a wife.
These women were found involved in their daily routines. It was while doing the mundane that God chose to bless them and give them the desire of their heart.
So instead of waiting for life to "start" at marriage, I should live God's plan for my present. Like Ruth and Rebekah, I must cheerfully go about doing what needs to be done and be an encouragement to those around me.
Some of my ongoing projects include:
- studying God's Word with the goal of being edified, instructed, and challenged.
- training in the discipline of prayer.
- clothing myself with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit.
- casting from myself any outside influence that is unprofitable and unedifying.
- endeavoring to do my future husband good and not evil, including the vow to remain pure (physically, emotionally, mentally).
- becoming more skillful in areas of homekeeping (such as cooking and budgeting)
August 11, 2007
God doesn't want me to know now what I will face in the future. He doesn't want me to know if this dream or that dream will come to fruition exactly as I expect. (It probably won't. I've already experienced several several disallusionments...)
Why? Is it because He takes delight in watching me suffer in uncertainty? No. He withholds future knowledge for my own good. For one thing, I probably wouldn't lead a very peaceful life if I knew every trial I'll ever face and had plenty of time to worry in advance. (Knowing me, I definitely would.) But more to the point, God wants my trust. He wants me to say, "Yes, Lord, I trust You. Even though I can't see how on earth You're going to fulfill this dream You've given me. Even though becoming like You seems impossible. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I trust You with it."
If some aspects of my future and of God's nature were not mysteries, where would exist the opportunity for faith? What function would it serve? It would be useless and unnecessary. But God has put such a high value on faith, saying that "without faith it is impossible to please Him." God made faith a vital element. Of course He isn't going to deny me the opportunity of using it!
The outcome of my life will be the sweeter for my lack of foreknowledge. In time current confusions will fade, and when my life is at an end, I will be able to look back and see the puzzle fully assembled.
August 24, 2007
I'm curled up on the couch, enjoying some hazelnut-creme decaf and a warm chocolate cherry muffin, listening to "A Quiet Heart." My heart is far from quiet though. As if my loneliness wasn't enough, I'm now agonizing over the fact that the new semester is here. To say I'm excited about the year couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't think of one thing I'm looking forward to. Is life always going to be like this for me? What's wrong with my relationship with the Lord, that I should experience such discontent? I certainly don't deserve any kind of earthly relationship.
In Jim Elliot's journal he included the following quote:
And shouldst Thou ask me to resignSeptember 14, 2007
What most I prize -- it ne'er was mine,
I only give Thee what is Thine --
Thy will be done.
I want so dearly to be worthy of you! Whenever I stop to consider someone I esteem and regard highly, I can't help but think... "Oh, but I am not the least bit worthy of his consideration!" Will I ever experience the awe at being chosen, the disbelief at being pursued, the thrill of being cherished?
September 17, 2007
I've been praying for you this evening. Searching for the right words... Ephesians 3 jumped out as a model: "That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."
September 29, 2007
When I came to Psalm 80:17 in my Bible reading this morning, I thought to myself, "Yes! This is what I have been praying for 'my dear one'!" Now... I do know that in the context Asaph is referring to a Deliverer, the Messiah, but cannot I ask the Lord's blessing on you? "Let Your hand be upon the man of Your right hand, upon the son of man whom You made strong for Yourself." May God strengthen you in the work He has for you!
November 24, 2007
I have been enjoying a leisurely Thanksgiving break. The solitude does get monotonous at times, but it also offers uninterrupted seasons of Bible study and prayer. Ever since my getaway two weeks ago, I have sensed a spiritual refreshment that I've long needed. It's wonderful how God uses His servants to edify one another. I want that ministry of encouragement to characterize my life always!
May 3, 2008
I hear music when I look at you;
A beautiful theme of every dream I ever knew.
Down deep in my heart I hear it play.
I feel it start, then melt away.
I alone have heard this lovely strain,
I alone have heard this glad refrain.
Must it be forever inside of me?
Why can't I let it go?
Why can't I let you know?
Why can't I let you know the song my heart would sing?
That beautiful rhapsody of love and youth and spring,
The music is sweet, the words are true,
The song is you.
(Oscar Hammerstein)
June 23, 2008
Last week I found a Psalm that has stuck with me constantly since - I think of you when I read it...
Praise ye the LORD.
Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD,
That delighteth greatly in His commandments.
His seed shall be mighty upon the earth:
The generation of the upright shall be blessed.
Wealth and riches shall be in his house:
And his righteousness endureth for ever.
Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness:
He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.
A good man sheweth favour, and lendeth:
He will guide his affairs with discretion.
Surely he shall not be moved for ever:
The righteous shall be in everlasting remembrance.
He shall not be afraid of evil tidngs:
His heart is fixed, trusting in the LORD.
His heart is established, he shall not be afraid,
Until he sees his desire upon his enemies.
He hath dispersed, he hath given to the poor;
His righeousness endureth for ever;
His horn shall be exalted with honour.
The wicked shall see it, and be grieved;
He shall gnash with his teeth, and melt away:
The desire of the wicked shall perish.
(Psalm 112)
Those words remind me too of verses I read yesterday in Deuteronomy 28: "The LORD shall establish thee an holy people unto Himself, as He hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of theh LORD thy God, and walk in His ways. And all the peoples of the earth shall see that thou art called by the name of the LORD; and they shall be afraid of thee."
May we live in such a way so as to do nothing to detract from the honor due the Lord!
July 5, 2008
I really needed to read what I did in A. W. Pink's The Life of David this morning (chapter 14). It reminded me that God so orders His providences as to try our hearts and make manifest what is in them.
When events transpire which seem to show that it is God's will for me to take a certain step, and things appear to point plainly in that direction, it may only be God trying my heart. When my desires are really set upon a particular object or course, it is a simple thing for me to misinterpret the events of Providence and jump to a wrong conclusion.
So what am I supposed to do?? It is essential that I have an accurate knowledge of God's Word, a holy state of heart (wherein self is judged, and its natural longings mortified), a broken will -- so I can more clearly discern the path of duty. I must deny all suggestions of ambition and impatience.
I have myself a current trial of faith and patience, and must treat it as an occasion to practice self-denial. "He that believeth shall not make haste" (Isaiah 28:16). "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass... Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him" Psalm 37:5,7). O for grace to do so; but such grace has to be definitely, diligently, and daily sought for.
August 22, 2008
I observed a tender scene this evening that really warmed my heart. In fact, it was so touching that it brought tears to my eyes. Maybe this scene will one day be replayed in our home... a little on of your own in your arms...
September 21, 2008
In church today, I wrote on the back of my sermon notes page:
Lord, I can't imagine how this desire could not be from You. If it is not, please remove it from me. And if it is, teach me what to do with it!
October 16, 2008
The Lord has confirmed to me who you are not. I feel so empty of hope. I feel ashamed for ever assuming I knew you.
July 9, 2009
A thought: could it possibly be that you, even now, write thoughts for me to read someday, as I write these letters to you? I love the written word -- I feel I can use it more fluently than spoken word. Please never judge my intelligence by my speech.
July 18, 2009
I so long for regular opportunities for meaningful, stimulating conversation such as I enjoyed tonight! I have always been a quiet person, but I pray that God would give me a mate to whome I can really talk! Not just meaningless chatter, which quickly tires me.
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