Wrestlings

My dear one,

Ten years ago, I was entering my first year of teaching at the university level. In those ten years, I taught four years at the university, moved away for three years to earn a doctorate at a different university, and returned to teach three more years.

Ten years ago, I felt sure that I would meet you, that you would "notice me," that I would be married before too long. I regret many hours wasted in dreams of those who will never be you.

The other day, a friend asked me about you (or rather, about the one I still secretly pray could be you). I attempted to avoid blushing as I nonchalantly answered my friend's questions about "that young man." Should I be praying for "that young man" (i.e., "you") as my friend suggested? I have been trying to wean myself away from these heart hopes that still cling despite the head warnings. I feel so silly, so stupid, so shallow for continuing to want a husband and family when that is obviously not the direction my life has taken. How can I keep praying and hoping when the Lord is nothing but silent on the matter? I don't want to fight His will if His answer is a clear "NO"... but how would I know if He actually wants me to keep praying about this?

These wrestlings are not unique to me and my situation, I am sure. But they are real, and they keep me awake at night.

Here's hoping you meet me in your dreams tonight...
Your Evenstar