Home with family

I wrote this last night, with no wifi to post it then...

My dear one,

All is quiet this evening (finally) as I say my goodnights to the family and retreat to the guest room. It is a welcome hideout after another day of nonstop activity and noise. The voice level often borders on shouting, partly due to opinions being asserted, and partly because several of the group are hard of hearing. Also, I am not used to having a television intruding my life, so its insistent messages of materialism and selfish pursuits have been a shock to my system (particularly my eardrums).

It truly is challenging for me to step back into the role of daughter-at-home during these family times, having changed significantly from how my parents and grandparents once knew me to be. It surprises even myself when I realize how differently I think, behave, and even eat, compared to 5, 10, 15 years ago. I've grown to develop certain views, interests, and beliefs that I never held while living at home. Though nothing rebellious or shockingly repulsive to my family, the changes in my habits distance me from my family to a small degree. Particulars, you may ask? Well, I tend to be more careful about food matters, limiting processed foods and seeking out organic produce and quality meat. I had to ask my mother to unplug her electric air freshener units because the chemical "fragrances" were causing me to develop a sore throat. And then there's the church issue -- my parents are quite understanding, though admittedly disappointed, that I am no longer a member of an "independent fundamental Baptist church." I never could have predicted my interest in theology, let alone my transition to reformed theology and Presbyterianism.

It's only been in the last few years that I've come to own my personality, style, and interests. Of course it was no surprise that my education and vocation focused on music, but beyond that I merely drifted along with the family flow for my first couple of decades. It took nine years to drum up the courage to call myself a Presbyterian. I am the first in my family to have a doctorate, let alone a master's degree. I didn't know what minimalism was until about five years ago, though now I can see that I've always gravitated towards it.

All this to say, I can recognize that being on my own and single has been good for my personal growth. I feel so much more ready to meet you, my dear one, than I would have been 10 years ago.

But I am still a sister, daughter, and granddaughter, and I love my family dearly, therefore I willingly come home and love on them as often as I can! I could not ask for a better family. Thank You, Lord.

I wonder when I'll be able to introduce you to my family!
Waiting for you, darling!
 
All my love,
Me

Merry Christmas, darling!

Greeting cards have all been sent,
The Christmas rush is through;
But I still have one wish to make,
A special one for you:

Merry Christmas, darling!
We’re apart, that’s true,
But I can dream and in my dreams
I’m Christmas-ing with you.

Holidays are joyful,
There’s always something new;
But every day’s a holiday
When I’m near to you.
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see,
I wish it every day.
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year too!
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve:
I wish I were with you!

 Merry Christmas, darling!

My dear one, 

Sometimes I feel like standing under some mistletoe and just waiting to see who notices. I long for the day when you and I share that first mistletoe kiss.

This Christmas Eve I am with my family. I miss the wintery regions where I grew up, where we could watch the snow falling and tromp around in snow boots to bring Christmas carols to our church's shut-ins. Instead, one of my brothers and I played our instruments for the residents of the assisted living facility where he and my mom work. 

We never had "real" Christmas traditions as a family. No family gift exchanges, no tree adorned with sentimental ornaments. Just a nice family dinner, with some Christmas music playing on the stereo system. Perhaps the lack of traditions is what has prompted me to be so enthusiastic about decorating my own apartment, sending Christmas cards, and similar activities characteristic of the Christmas season. But ironically, I have to leave that all behind and travel to the hot climate where the only trees decorated in the neighborhood are a few scraggly palm trees. It's either that or spend the holiday alone in another state, so I'll take family over solitude! My heart is still restless though, because something is missing. You are missing! Won't it be wonderful to establish our own special Christmas traditions?

Merry Christmas, darling. Look for me under the mistletoe...

Another favorite Christmas hymn

All my heart this night rejoices,
As I hear, far and near, sweetest angel voices;
"Christ is born," their choirs are singing,
Till the air, everywhere, now their joy is ringing.

Forth today the Conqueror goeth,
Who the foe, sin and woe, death and hell, o'erthroweth.
God is man, man to deliver;
His dear Son now is one with our blood forever.

Shall we still dread God's displeasure,
Who, to save, freely gave His most cherished Treasure?
To redeem us, He hath given
His own Son from the throne of His might in Heaven.

Should He who Himself imparted
Aught withhold from the fold, leave us broken hearted?
Should the Son of God not love us,
Who, to cheer sufferers here, left His throne above us?

If our blessed Lord and Maker
Hated men, would He then be of flesh partaker?
If He in our woe delighted,
Would He bear all the care of our race benighted?

He becomes the Lamb that taketh
Sin away and for aye full atonement maketh.
For our life His own He tenders
And our race, by His grace, meet for glory renders.

For it dawns, the promised morrow
Of His birth, Who the earth rescues from her sorrow.
God to wear our form descendeth;
Of His grace to our race here His Son He sendeth.

Hark! a voice from yonder manger,
Soft and sweet, doth entreat, "Flee from woe and danger;
Brethren, come; from all that grieves you
You are freed; all you need I will surely give you."

Come, then, let us hasten yonder;
Here let all, great and small, kneel in awe and wonder,
Love Him Who with love is yearning;
Hail the star that from far bright with hope is burning.

Blessed Savior, let me find Thee!
Keep Thou me close to Thee, cast me not behind Thee!
Life of life, my heart Thou stillest,
Calm I rest on Thy breast, all this void Thou fillest.

Thee, dear Lord, with heed I'll cherish;
Live to Thee and with Thee, dying, shall not perish;
But shall dwell with Thee for ever,
Far on high, in the joy that can alter never.

Written in 1653 by Paul Gerhardt (1607-1676)
Translated by Catherine Winkworth (1827-1878)

Christmastime is Here...

My dear one, 

This first day of Christmas break began with an uncomfortable headache for which I was resolved to avoid taking my customary ibuprofen. My attempts to combat the pain with peppermint essential oil and drinking lots of water were unsuccessful, and by the time I gave up and took some pills I was so nauseated that I couldn't even keep them down. By eveningtime, though still with no appetite, I was feeling well enough to attend a concert featuring a local professional choral group. Afterwards I strolled through the beautifully decorated Main St. downtown, enjoying the lights strung in the trees and the festive storefront windows. I now relax here back at home with a warm afghan wrapped around my shoulders. My steaming mug of spiced cider sits beside me and the strains of John Rutter Christmas carols fill my apartment. I have written up my to-do list for tomorrow's last-minute chores and errands, for this weekend I leave town to visit family for the holidays. Could this be my last holiday season alone without you? Oh that it could be true!

Missing you terribly,
Me

One of my favorite Christmas hymns

Thou Who Wast Rich
by Frank Houghton (1894-1972)

Thou who wast rich beyond all splendor,
All for love's sake becamest poor;
Thrones for a manger didst surrender,
Sapphire-paved courts for stable floor.
Thou who wast rich beyond all splendor,
All for love's sake becamest poor.

Thou who art God beyond all praising,
All for love's sake becamest Man;
Stooping so low, but sinners raising
Heavenward by Thine eternal plan.
Thou who art God beyond all praising,
All for love's sake becamest Man.

Thou who art love beyond all telling,
Saviour and King, we worship Thee.
Emmanuel, within us dwelling,
Make us what Thou wouldst have us be.
Thou who art love beyond all telling
Saviour and King, we worship Thee. 

(Read the history behind this hymn here.)

The Wish That I Wish Tonight

My dear one,
Last night I watched a delightful old comedy from 1945 ("Christmas in Connecticut"). Here's a clip to give you a taste...

It would have been perfect if I was watching it snuggled up next to you. But then again, maybe you have no use for cheesy little films such as this. Oh well, one can dream...

I'm wishing that I may,

I'm wishing that I might

Have the wish that I wish tonight.

I've told my lucky star

The wish that I made,

And every time so far,

She's come to my aid.

It may not be today,

It may not be tonight,

But I'm sure it will be alright.

And maybe by tomorrow,

If I wish with all my might,

I might have the wish I wish tonight.

(by M. K. Jerome and Jack Scholl, 

as sung in "Christmas in Connecticut")

Created for eternity

Excerpt from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken:

If, indeed, we all have a kind of appetite for eternity, we have allowed ourselves to be caught up in a society that frustrates our longing at every turn. Half our inventions are advertised to save time—the washing machine, the fast car, the jet flight—but for what? Never were people more harried by time: by watches, by buzzers, by time clocks, by precise schedules, by the beginning of the programme. There is, in fact, some truth in ‘the good old days’: no other civilisation of the past was ever so harried by time.

And yet, why not? Time is our natural environment. We live in time as we live in the air we breathe. And we love the air—who has not taken deep breaths of pure, fresh country air, just for the pleasure of it? How strange that we cannot love time. It spoils our loveliest moments. Nothing quite comes up to expecta­tions because of it. We alone: animals, so far as we can see, are unaware of time, untroubled. Time is their natural environment. Why do we sense that it is not ours?

C. S. Lewis, in his second letter to me at Oxford, asked how it was that I, as a product of a materialistic universe, was not at home there. ‘Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures?’ Then, if we complain of time and take such joy in the seemingly timeless moment, what does that suggest?

It suggests that we have not always been or will not always be purely temporal creatures. It suggests that we were created for eternity. Not only are we harried by time, we seem unable, despite a thousand generations, even to get used to it. We are always amazed at it—how fast it goes, how slowly it goes, how much of it is gone. Where, we cry, has the time gone? We aren’t adapted to it, not at home in it. If that is so, it may appear as a proof, or at least a powerful suggestion, that eternity exists and is our home.

The Holdfast, by George Herbert

"The Holdfast" by George Herbert, from The Temple (1633):

I threatened to observe the strict decree
          Of my deare God with all my power & might.
          But I was told by one, it could not be;
Yet I might trust in God to be my light.

Then will I trust, said I, in him alone.
          Nay, ev’n to trust in him, was also his:
          We must confesse that nothing is our own.
Then I confesse that he my succour is:

But to have nought is ours, not to confesse
          That we have nought. I stood amaz’d at this,
          Much troubled, till I heard a friend expresse,
That all things were more ours by being his.
          What Adam had, and forfeited for all,
          Christ keepeth now, who cannot fail or fall.

If I should venture all for God...

John Bunyan:

If I should venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concerns; but if I forsook Him in His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concerns were not so sure if left at God's feet while I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God.

God is in the middle of my circumstances

Paul David Tripp: 

God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to. When you begin to get on God's paradigm page, life not only makes sense (the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools) but immediately becomes more hopeful. There is hope for you because God is in the middle of your circumstances, and he is using them to mold you into what he created you to be.

Psalm 66

Verses 8-12, 16, 20...
    Bless our God, O peoples;
        let the sound of His praise be heard,
    who has kept our soul among the living
        and has not let our feet slip.
    For You, O God, have tested us;
        You have tried us as silver is tried.
    You brought us into the net;
        You laid a crushing burden on our backs;
    You let men ride over our heads;
        we went through fire and through water;
    yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.
    Come and hear, all you who fear God,
        and I will tell what He has done for my soul.
    Blessed be God,
        because He has not rejected my prayer
        or removed His steadfast love from me!

Psalms like this one are somewhat bittersweet for me, for I wish I could sing them honestly. But right now these words seem like a distant promise to which I'm striving furtively to cling and believe.

Is it true that He has kept my soul and has not let my feet slip? Can I testify that He has brought me out to a place of abundance despite the trials and burdens He has ordained for me? Do I have a song of praise for what He has done for my soul?

Or has He rejected my prayer and removed His steadfast love for me? 

I would do anything to catch a glimpse of what He is doing with my life! O Lord, illumine my eyes that I may learn to see my circumstances not with the eye of the flesh but the vision of faith.
  
    Let him who walks in darkness
        and has no light
    trust in the name of the LORD
        and rely on his God. (Isaiah 50:10)

When we cannot see our way

When we cannot see our way,

Let us trust and still obey;

He who bids us forward go,

Cannot fail the way to show.

Though the sea be deep and wide,

Though a passage seem denied,

Fearless, let us still proceed,

Since the Lord vouchsafes to lead.

Though it be the gloom of night,

Though we see no ray of light,

Since the Lord Himself is there,

'Tis not meet that we should fear.

Night with Him is never night,

Where He is, there all is light;

When He calls us, why delay?

They are happy who obey.

Be it ours, then, while we're here,

Him to follow without fear;

Where He calls us, there to go;

What He bids us, that to do.

Thomas Kelly (1818)

[Listen to a beautiful setting here.]

Dry Brooks & Divine Blessings

From The Life of Elijah, by A. W. Pink...

"The brook dried up" (I Kings 17:7). To outward appearance that would have seemed a real misfortune, to carnal reason an actual calamity. Let us endeavor to visualize Elijah there at Cherith. The drought was everywhere, the famine throughout the whole land: and now his own brook began to dry up. Day by day its waters gradually lessened unto soon there was barely a trickle, and then it entirely ceased. Had he grown increasingly anxious and gloomy? Did he say, "What shall I do? Must I stay here and perish? Has God forgotten me? Did I take a wrong step, and after all, in coming here?" It all depended upon how steadily his faith remained in exercise. If faith was active, then he admired the goodness of God in causing that supply of water to last so long. How much better for our souls, if instead of mourning over our losses, we praise God for continuing His mercies to us so long—especially when we bear in mind they are only lent to us, and that we deserve not the least of them.

Though dwelling in the place of God's appointing, yet Elijah is not exempted from those deep exercises of soul which are ever the necessary discipline of a life of faith. True, the ravens had, in obedience to the Divine command, paid him their daily visits, supplying him with food morning and evening, and the brook had flowed on its tranquil course. But faith must be tested—and developed. The servant of God must not settle down on his lees, but pass from form to form in the school of the Lord; and having learned (through grace) the difficult lessons of one, he must now go forward to grapple with others yet more difficult. Perhaps the reader may now be facing the drying brook of popularity, of failing health, of diminishing business, of decreasing friendships. Ah, a drying brook is a real trouble.

Why does God suffer the brook to dry up? To teach us to trust in Himself, and not in His gifts. As a general rule He does not for long provide for His people in the same way and by the same means, lest they should rest in them and expect help from them. Sooner or later God shows us how dependent we are upon Himself even for supplies of every-day mercies. But the heart of the prophet must be tested, to show whether his trust was in Cherith or in the living God. So it is in His dealings with us. How often we think we are trusting in the Lord, when really we are resting on comfortable circumstances; and when they become uncomfortable, how much faith have we?

The God of Elijah still lives, and fails none who count upon His faithfulness!

Psalm 67

Verses 1-2...
    May God be gracious to us and bless us
        and make His face to shine upon us (Selah),
    that Your way may be known on earth,
        Your saving power among all nations.

This psalm begins with an adaptation of the blessing found in Numbers 6:24-26 ("The Lord bless you and keep you..."), followed by a purpose clause in verse 2, namely, that God's saving power might be known among all nations. I must not pray for God's blessing for my own selfish reasons, but that His name might be magnified through His dealings with me. And this reminds me that in my prayers to the Lord concerning my future, my true motivation must be His glory. Soli Deo gloria!

Stay strong, sweetheart

My dear one,

Can it be that you are out there...
praying for me... 
hoping to find me... 
waiting patiently for the Lord's perfect timing?

I am here... 
praying for you... 
hoping to find you... 
striving to wait patiently for the Lord's perfect timing.

You look wistfully at the happy couples flaunting Facebook relationship status updates, engagement announcements, wedding photos, and you whisper a silent prayer for strength.

You are weary of getting your hopes up, only to have them dashed as you turn away in disappointment and frustration.

You are looking for a kind, compassionate woman who will encourage you, cherish you, build you up, speak grace into your life, stand beside you as you face the world.
 
Stay strong, sweetheart. I love you for this. One day all of our longings and tears will be replaced by smiles and kisses and sweet caresses.

All my love,
Me