Back to work

My dear one, 

Do you ever feel like you're starved for a friendly hug? After a day of being the "strong one," I'm ready to crumble, or dissolve in a puddle of tears, or something like that! Today was my first day back to work after the holiday break. It was a 12-hour day that left me frustrated and left my email inbox overflowing. The first few days of EVERY semester are like this. Scheduling is one of my biggest nightmares. But life goes on. I will wake up tomorrow and face my day in the strength of the Lord. May you be able to do the same!

Alas, I had good intentions of writing you a letter of some substance this evening, but sleep calls. My thoughts and prayers will be full of you, my unknown one, as I surrender to slumber.

Waiting and praying, 
Me

All my tomorrows

Photo by John Farnan

Today I may not have a thing at all,
Except for just a dream or two;
But I've got lots of plans for tomorrow,
And all my tomorrows belong to you.

Right now it may not seem like spring at all;
We're drifting and the laughs are few.
But I've got rainbows planned for tomorrow,
And all my tomorrows belong to you.

No one knows better than I
That luck keeps passing me by, that's fate.
But with you there at my side,
I'll soon be turning the tide, just wait.

As long as I've got arms that cling at all,
It's you that I'll be clinging to.
And all the dreams I dream, beg, or borrow,
On some bright tomorrow they'll all come true.

And all my bright tomorrows belong to you. 

(sung by Frank Sinatra here)

Heidelberg Catechism Week 2

3. Q. How do you come to know your misery? A. The law of God tells me.

4. Q. What does God's law require of us? A. Christ teaches us this in summary in Matthew 22 - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

5. Q. Can you live up to all this perfectly? A. No. I have a natural tendency to hate God and my neighbor.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

Misery... law... depravity... Ah yes, such happy topics. Not.

But the joyful news of the gospel cannot begun to be grasped and enjoyed without an honest look at my sinful heart. Only by catching glimpses of God's blindingly holy character revealed in His law, and comprehending the gravity of my desperately hopeless sinful condition, can I begin to get past the misery and cling to the comfort and hope of the gospel. (This is the total opposite approach of those smooth-talking pseudo-preachers' "positive-thinking" motivational speeches they call sermons!)

Kevin DeYoung puts it bluntly:

Christianity is not a religion mainly about a moral code to keep. Christianity is about a God who saves people who don't keep the moral code. The law doesn't inspire me to be a better me or find the god within me. The law beats me down and shows me how miserable I am...

My own efforts to be a good person are, in comparison to what God requires of me, positively miserable. I'll be damned, discouraged, and dismayed if being a follower of Jesus means nothing but a new set of things I'm supposed to do for Him. Instead, my following Jesus should be, first of all, a declaration of all that He has done for me.

How thankful I am to have a Saviour who kept the Law in my place and dresses me in the spotless robes of His righteousness!

Psalm 63

Artist: David Gerhartz

Verse 7...

    For You have been my help,
        and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy.

This is such a precious psalm. It cries out in longing. I'm reminded yet again of C. S. Lewis and his writing on the idea of Sehnsucht (even if not by using the word itself): 

"...that unnameable something, desire for which pierces us like a rapier at the smell of bonfire, the sound of wild ducks flying overhead, the title of The Well at the World's End, the opening lines of 'Kubla Khan,' the morning cobwebs in late summer, or the noise of falling waves."

But to David it was not an "unnameable something" for which he craved; it was God Himself. And even amidst his cries I hear his sighs of contentment. God can and does satisfy the longing heart.

"If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." (C. S. Lewis)

May we sing for joy in the shadow of His wings today!

Rainy Saturday afternoon

My dear one,

It's hard to believe one of my brothers will be wed in a matter of weeks. I'm still wrestling with my feelings about this. Since the time he proposed last summer, there has been a strange distance in our relationship. Normal, I'm told by many, is such a change when a young man leaves his family to take a wife. But I somehow thought that my relationships with my immediate family members would never waver from what they have always been. I have taken it as a matter of course for friendships to dissolve when my friends have found their special someone, but it grieves my heart to see these close family bonds being loosened. I must confess I dread this wedding. Weddings are difficult for me anyway, but for it to be the one of my own younger brother makes it even harder. I breathed a small sigh of relief when I was requested to provide the music rather than fulfilling some kind of bridesmaid role. (After all, I do not really know the bride, having only met her for brief minutes!) My parents don't really know this girl either... which brings up an interesting point about you, my unknown sweetheart. I never want there to be unnecessary tension between you and my parents. I would hope you could get to know them as your relationship with me develops, so that they can grow to trust you as I grow to love you.

But enough about that...

I slept in late this morning and was wakened with weather alerts on my phone regarding severe thunderstorms and tornado warnings. So then and there I pretty much determined that I would stay home in pajamas all day, enjoying my cozy little apartment! I lit my candles, turned on some Ella Fitzgerald on Pandora, made breakfast (eggs, coffee, and a clementine), spent some time reading and praying through Ephesians, phoned my grandmother, replied to a few emails from my students regarding the new semester, and pulled out some repertoire I need to practice for a March performance. Were you able to relax at all today, my dear one? Were your hours spent in solitude as mine were?

Every time it rains I think of you,

And that's the time I feel so blue.

The rain starts to fall

Across my window's pane,

But it's raining teardrops from my eyes.

Every single cloud would disappear,

I'd wear a smile, if you were here.

So, baby, won't you hurry?

Because I love you so,

And it's raining teardrops from my eyes.

(sung by Ella Fitzgerald here)

Obedience and Joy

My dear one,

What comes first—obedience or joy? Have you ever given this question some thought? Obedience can give us joy, and joy can prompt us to obey, but ultimately both obedience and joy are results of something else: thinking on Christ! I was recently reading a tremendous commentary on Romans 8 by Octavius Winslow, entitled No Condemnation in Christ Jesus, and the following excerpt jump-started my recent thinking on this topic:

“I stand in the Divine presence as Joshua stood before the Lord, or as the woman stood before the Saviour, charged, accused, guilty; but I am in the presence of Him who, though now He sits upon the throne as my Judge, once hung upon the cross as my Saviour. And, investing me with His own spotless robe, he proceeds to pronounce the sentence—‘No Condemnation!’ ‘These things write I unto you that your joy may be full.’ While this subject, as we thus see, lays the basis of the deepest joy, it is equally promotive of the highest holiness” (p. 320).

We’ve perhaps been told that we “don’t find happiness looking for it,” that we instead “stumble across it on the path of duty.” And this may be somewhat true—we do indeed find delight in obeying our Heavenly Father. But even in that statement, we must recognize that we cannot usually remain in the path of duty for very long in our own strength! It simply does not work to say to myself: “Look, I’m a Christian. I’d better make sure I’m living like it.” I need something else first! I need the joy that comes from meditating on the gospel!

Once or twice I’ve been asked frankly, “Why are you so interested in theology anyway?” I explain it this way…

In Romans 12:1, Paul commences his argument for holy living only after first presenting many, many truths about the “mercies of God” – the beauty of the gospel of grace, presented in the previous doctrinal material of his epistle. Unless I have a firm grasp on the gospel, it does me little good to attempt a transformation of my conduct, let alone of my heart. Richard Sibbes writes along these same lines: “When we feel ourselves cold in affection and duty, the best way is to warm ourselves at this fire of His love and mercy in giving Himself for us” (The Bruised Reed, p. 81). Studying the doctrines of Scripture is not a dry academic exercise (or at least it shouldn’t be)! The gospel is so much more than something I needed for conversion. Right thinking about the gospel produces right living in the gospel. Delight in the things of God—the wonder of the gospel and the blessings of our union in Christ—is what fuels my obedience to God. It is when I understand more of what Christ has done for me, and all I have in Him, that I grow in love for Him and delight to obey.

Paul encourages believers with these words: “Continue in the faith firmly established and steadfast, and not moved away from the hope of the gospel that you have heard” (Col. 1:23). The benefits of the gospel are to encourage and strengthen us each day of our lives as the children of God!

I’ll end with these words from Octavius Winslow: “Look not within for sanctification; look for it from Christ. He is as much our ‘sanctification,’ as He is our ‘righteousness.’ Your evidences, your comfort, your hope, do not spring from your fruitfulness, your mortification, or anything within you; but solely and entirely from the Lord Jesus Christ” (No Condemnation, p. 156).

Solus Christus! Christ alone!

Thoughts on a clear, cold night

My dear one, 

The stars were so bright when I walked out of the church building after prayer meeting. Despite the cold, I stood there in the parking lot, gazing up at the night sky and wondering if you can see the same stars tonight.

I witnessed a car back up into another car and hurry away from the IHOP parking lot this morning when I was meeting friends for breakfast. I found the damaged car's owner inside the restaurant and gave her the plate number and vehicle description. She went on to report it to the police. That was my good citizen deed-of-the-day, I suppose.

I filled up my gas tank at $2.99/gallon... I'm thankful not only for the decent gas prices in my state, but also for "fuel-perks" issued by a local grocery chain, earning me $0.25 off the per-gallon price today, bringing it down to $2.74/gallon!!

I used a nifty grout product on my bathroom floor this afternoon. It was a project I've been meaning to do ever since moving into this apartment. The floor was acceptably clean by my standards after an initial disinfecting mop job when I moved in, but the grout between the tiles was just not as snowy-white as I would like, so I picked up some "Polyblend Grout Renew" at Home Depot and today's results were fantastic!

For supper I concocted a chicken dish that is a pretty good imitation of the burrito bowl I always order at Chipotle. I even made cilantro lime rice!

So that was my day - profitable and pleasant. Here's hoping yours was too.
Sleep well, sweetheart.

Psalm 64

Verse 10... 
    Let the righteous one rejoice in the LORD
        and take refuge in him!
    Let all the upright in heart exult!

I desire for this year to be one of rejoicing. All may not be smooth sailing, but my sovereign God is on the throne and He is my refuge. My heart can be full of joy even if circumstances are bleak. My speech can be full of thanksgiving even if I have no earthly friend I trust enough to confide in. My life must be full of joy because I serve a risen Saviour!

It's a cold one!

My dear one, 

It's an unusually cold day - in fact, the last time I experienced these single digits was my last northern Christmas, in December 2009. When I carried out the trash this morning, memories of my childhood came flooding to me... building snowmen, trudging up a snowy driveway to my weekly [instrument] lesson, hurrying home from orchestra rehearsal, through the snowdrifts, to catch the end of the Monday Night Football game, turning on the backyard floodlight to illuminate the silently falling snow at night. How is it that the simple sensation of COLD can bring back so many warm feelings and memories?

Yes, I had a pleasant childhood. My brothers and I were educated at home. We were taught responsibility and selflessness, we visited the housebound and those dying in the hospital, we learned principles of financial stewardship and economics, we took October camping trips to the mountains of NY and June camping trips to the coast of Maine, we memorized Scripture and poetry and hymns and the Gettysburg Address. While other children were writing letters to Santa, we were making muffins and fudge to give to everyone at church. While other children were hunting for Easter eggs, we were passing out donuts at our church's sunrise service. My parents invested greatly in my musical pursuits, and helped me get through college debt-free.They diligently pray for me and God's leading in my life, and are always willing to give me wise counsel. That's not to say that I do not make any decisions on my own; on the contrary, I have certain views that go directly against certain particulars of how I was raised. I hope to be a godly mother someday and raise a new generation of servant-leaders for the Kingdom! But until that day comes, I have my wonderful students who are pursuing God's will in their education, and so I will pour my energy into helping them become vessels God can use!

I wonder what kind of childhood you had, my dear one, and how it affects how you live today. Did you have godly parents, and will I like them? Were you raised in a faithful church, and do you know what you believe? What are your views on child discipline, and are you prepared to be a leader in your home?

My dear one, we can use these days while we are still without one another to prepare ourselves for what God has in store for our future family. So what am I doing now with my life? Am I idly twirling my thumbs until God brings you into my life? I'm afraid not...

• I stay busy as a musician and teacher, using my talents "for the glory of God and the recreation of the soul" (to quote the great master J. S. Bach). I fully acknowledge that I couldn't keep up this kind of career were I to be a wife and mother, but I would be able to develop a prosperous music studio from my home were that to be needful for our family's income!

• I am working on developing my skills in the home. I've always had a "shoeless home," and am happy to have had wonderful coaching from my mother on keeping a clean house. I'm currently making a slow switch over to all-natural cleaners. Little by little, I'm accumulating some "tried-and-true" recipes that I feel comfortable making, and am becoming more adventurous in attempting new recipes. Several times a month, I prepare a main dish for my the college students' supper after the evening service at my church. As I new build friendships in the community, it is my desire to open up my home for fellowship and discipleship. Additionally, I have been reading a few books about healthful and/or organic food choices and am making changes in what I buy at the grocery store. I like Michael Pollan's food rules:

1. Don't eat anything your great grandmother wouldn't recognize as food.
2. Don’t eat anything with more than five ingredients, or ingredients you can't pronounce.
3. Stay out of the middle of the supermarket; shop on the perimeter of the store.
4. Don't eat anything that won't eventually rot.
5. Don't buy food where you buy your gasoline.

• I am striving to cultivate wise financial habits ... sticking to a conservative budget, tithing to my church, and contributing to my retirement plan. I have no loans or debt, and I drive a rather well-used car (from 2000, to be precise).

• I am always reading, learning, growing. Last year I finished 38 books (and that's outside of the reading I did while writing my dissertation). I attend a small weekly breakfast with other 20-/30-somethings from my church to discuss a chapter or two from a book we're all reading (we just finished John Bunyan's Holy War before Christmas). I'm challenging myself personally with books outside my most familiar topics this year ... right now it's Stephen Meyer's Signature in the Cell.

I have just about a week left before the spring semester commences. Looking forward to these last few days of leisure before the busyness resumes! Praying for you, my dear one. Don't lose hope. God has not forgotten us. He is working behind the scenes even today.

All my love,
Me

Sunday evening greetings

My dear one,

I woke feeling rested, despite yesterday's 4:00am rising. Plenty of time for coffee and Bible reading before church. I was pleasantly surprised that so many folks welcomed me back from my vacation (knowing I'd been away from the last two weeks of services). Smiles and hellos go a long way with me! I was even invited to dinner with one family next Sunday.

I had a bit of a headache when I got home at noon. After a quick lunch of shrimp pasta and salad greens, I took a nap while the sounds of a football game webcast on my computer provided the lullaby. The nap zapped my headache in time for the evening service. Pastor's sermons today (Daniel 11:32 and Hosea 6:3) were a blessing ... convicting yet encouraging!

Praying that your upcoming week is filled with knowledge of the Lord's faithfulness and power!
Sending you my love,
Me

Heidelberg Catechism Week 1

1. Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death? A. That I am not my own, but belong - body and soul, in life and in death - to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ. He has fully paid for all my sins with His precious blood, and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil. He also watches over me in such a way that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven: in fact, all things must work together for my salvation. Because I belong to Him, Christ, by His Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for Him.

2. Q. What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort? A. Three things: first, how great my sin and misery are; second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery; third, how I am to thank God for such deliverance.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

My only comfort... This term gets at the heart of my only real security and solace in life. Neither possessions nor position can bring this security -- only the truth that I am not my own. I can endure suffering and disappointment in life, and face death and the life to come without fear, all because I belong to Christ. He is my righteousness, my wisdom, my peace with God. Yes, my sin is great, but he is a greater Savior. My life is not to be one of misery, worry, guilt, and fear, but rather one of gratitude, hope, peace, and joy.

That horrible post-vacation feeling

My dear one, 

I just arrived home from being with family for two weeks. It's the strangest feeling to walk into my cold yet homey apartment still bearing the fragrance of Christmas candles. The tree is still up, and I plugged in the lights because I needed company. And shall I confess that I turned on some Christmas music? I had made up my mind that my Christmas season would last through January 5th, which means I still have over 24 hours of "festivity." But at the same time I'm fighting a deep sadness that threatens to completely overwhelm me. The loneliness is always acute after family times. And I'm not ready to face the new semester! Thankfully I still have 10 days or so to drum up the obligatory enthusiasm (which may be fake for a while at that).

I'd really like to watch this evening's NFL wild-card playoffs, which leaves me with a few hours this afternoon for the chores of being back in town. I just popped a frozen pizza in the oven, since I don't have much else by way of food until a grocery trip. My suitcase is sitting impatiently by my bedroom door, begging to be unpacked. But I need (both physically and emotionally) to take a bit of time before starting it all.

So pull up a chair and have a slice of pizza with me, why don't you?
All my love, 
Me

Psalm 65

Verse 4...
   Blessed is the one you choose and bring near, 

       to dwell in your courts!
   We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house,
       the holiness of your temple!

Treasury of David (C. H. Spurgeon): 

First, we are chosen of God, according to the good pleasure of his will, and this alone is blessedness.

Then, since we cannot and will not come to God of ourselves, he works graciously in us, and attracts us powerfully; he subdues our unwillingness, and removes our inability by the almighty workings of his transforming grace. This also is no slight blessedness.

Furthermore, we, by his divine drawings, are made nigh by the blood of his Son, and brought near by his spirit, into intimate fellowship; so that we have access with boldness, and are no longer as those who are afar off by wicked works: here also is unrivalled blessedness.

To crown all, we do not come nigh in peril of dire destruction, as Nadab and Abihu did, but we approach as chosen and accepted ones, to become dwellers in the divine household: this is heaped up blessedness, vast beyond conception. But dwelling in the house we are treated as sons, for the servant abideth not in the house for ever, but the son abideth ever. Behold what manner of love and blessedness the Father has bestowed upon us that we may dwell in his house, and go no more out for ever. Happy men who dwell at home with God.

 Still making my way through this Psalm series, albeit more slowly than anticipated! See this page for the introduction.

Links that make me think: Part 5

Don't Waste Your Weaknesses in 2014 (John Piper)

This year, don’t focus too much on finding your strengths. Give attention to identify and exploit your weaknesses. God has not given them to you in vain. Identify them. Accept them. Exploit them. Magnify the power of Christ with them. Don’t waste your weaknesses.

20 Things Every Twentysomething Should Know How To Do (Tyler Huckabee)

1. Make a great breakfast
2. Argue kindly
3. Hold a conversation with someone of any age
4. Parallel park
5. Defend your media choices
6. Limit your online life
7. Approach a stranger
8. Stand up for yourself
9. Say "I was wrong"
10. Brew a great cup of coffee or tea
11. Tip generously
12. Maintain a mentor
13. Bite your tongue
14. Stay well rested
15. Respond to criticism
16. Write a cover letter
17. Be alone
18. Recommend a book, movie, or album
19. Prioritize the important over the urgent
20. Hold on to a good friend

The Fear of Being Alone (Leo Babauta)

We tend to see aloneness as bleak, depressing, scary. But it can be seen as freeing, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to get to know yourself.

Am I Waiting for a Guy Who Doesn't Exist? (Leslie Ludy)

Don’t ask the question, “am I compatible with this guy?” but rather, “does this guy put Jesus Christ first above all else, and does he lead me closer and closer to my true Prince?”

...Focus on your intimate love-relationship with Jesus Christ, and He will be more than faithful to bring a Christ-built man into your life in His own perfect time and way. It’s amazing how God brings like-minded men and women together when we actually step back and give Him the chance to work.

Finding Comfort During Waiting (Beverly Chao Berrus)

Above all, be comforted that all your longings will be fulfilled in God’s promises through Christ, in whom we are given an everlasting family, secured an inheritance that will never fade, built a home that cannot be destroyed, and provided eternal job security, praising our Triune God for endless days in the fullness of joy in His presence!

...We have a God who keeps all His promises in Jesus and whose timing is impeccable. We may feel abandoned and cursed, but be encouraged that though we live in a world cursed by sin, we are not waiting because we are cursed. Singleness and infertility are not curses upon us. The process of waiting can be the means by which God produces steadfastness so that we would be complete, lacking nothing (James 1:4). Our waiting, especially in trials and suffering, is our faith in action.

Running my prayers

My dear one,

This morning as I jogged my 4-mile route through the neighborhood, I took the opportunity to pray, rather than indulging in my typical scattered mental ramblings. Why is it that my prayers always seem more substantive when I'm alone? Is it merely because I think more clearly with my eyes open? Or... is it because I can pause and find the right word without worrying about those listening in on my prayer? Perhaps the root reason is that when I am alone in prayer I have no prideful self-consciousness! Moreover, in my case, running gives a sense of relaxation in an unhurried season of prayer, because I don't have thoughts of "I should be doing something else." Running and praying fit well together, and I shall do my best to cultivate both in this new year.

And I resolve to continue my prayers for you, my dear one, "hoping against hope." May you continue to grow in grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ!

All my love,
Me