Psalm 126

Verse 5...
"Those who sow in tears

shall reap with shouts of joy!"

It was three years ago, April 2010, that my decision to accept this doctoral teaching assistantship was made official. A decision accompanied by secret tears. A journey marked by many more tears. Almost three whole years of loneliness watered by tears. And now this final paper written through tears.

I don't know what sort of joyful harvest there could ever be to reap from these tears. I have never really wanted this degree. And the closer I draw to completing it, the more scared I become of what it will mean for my future. I'm so frightened that it will keep you, my dear one, away from me. That you will see me from a distance and note my achievements coolly, convinced that I am a career-driven feminist. That you will never get to know me well enough to learn that I want to be a godly wife. I want someone who will hold me in his arms, protect me, make me feel cherished, be someone for me to look up to and follow.

So why is God leading me down this path of loneliness and a professional career? What lesson am I missing that God is trying to teach me through this?

Jesus, draw me ever nearer as I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing, with Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus, guide me through the tempest; keep my spirit staid and sure.

When the midnight meets the morning, let me love You even more.

May the treasures of the trial form within me as I go.
And at the end of this long passage, let me leave them at Your throne.

-- Margaret Becker & Keith Getty