Random thoughts

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and lay there composing this letter in my head...

My dear one,

I saw a commercial today for Match.com. Every now and then I half-consider those online dating sites, but being quite skeptical of the member profiles' truthfulness (not to mention worthiness), I'd never sign on to something like that. Desperate people are the ones who end up resorting to those sites, and I would never want to come across as desperate (even if I do feel so on occasion). And if a guy appears to be desperate I tend to run the other way. Also, I would not want to begin a relationship with someone when the only information I have to go on is what he chooses to reveal about himself. That's just kinda creepy... How do I know if there's something important he's not telling me? I want to know how he treats his family, how he is respected in his church and community, etc.

But let's just say I found the perfect guy online and wanted to introduce him to my family and friends. How on earth would I admit that I had fallen prey to a dating site? Embarrassing...

I do often wonder if you, my dear one, will one day read these words before knowing me in real life, and want to get to know me based solely on these letters. I don't consider that to be outside the realm of possibility, and would cross that bridge if I ever came to it. But for now these letters remain a hidden little piece of the blogosphere and I'm okay with that. I think letters are sadly dying element of romance, and of culture in general, and I like to imagine that you and I two old souls, corresponding simultaneously and keeping the art alive.

If my someone is out there, what would I want him to know about me?

Foremost, I am a sinner saved by God's grace through faith in Christ, who is my Righteousness, my Refuge, my reason for living. I grew up in a Christian home and placed my faith in Christ at a very early age, but for many years had a warped view of my role as God's child. I felt that my outward behavior, my "performance" as a moral person, would earn me God's approval, favor, and blessings. My shortcomings constantly made me believe that I had to "work harder" at being a better Christian, and unfortunately these ideas were reinforced by well-meaning preachers and teachers who too misunderstood (and underestimated) God's grace. While in grad school, I sat under the preaching of a humble, intelligent man who ignited in me a hunger for deeper study of God's Word, and I came to embrace the doctrines of grace through his ministry of the Word.

My early musical training from my mother, and then with private teachers, blossomed into a undergraduate degree in music education, master's degree in performance, and finally a job as a university professor. Most recently, the completion of a doctorate in my field, while gaining additional orchestral experience, sealed my fate, so to speak. Yet I still cringe when people, attempting to ingratiate themselves to me, bestow the title of "doctor" on me at the most awkward times. (Just this morning, while jogging around the area where my parents and grandparents live, some well-meaning couple who apparently know who I am, joked loudly, "We'd better watch out, the doctor is on her run." I'm sorry, but I find that completely unnecessary. Here I am a daughter, not a doctor.)

I am a thinker, quiet and introspective (sometimes to a fault). I am a true introvert but hide it well enough that my acquaintances have no idea. As a musician I am completely comfortable being on stage, save for the adrenaline (aka "nerves") common to all performers. I communicate most easily in written word, but love a deep one-on-one conversation with a trusted friend. I'm more comfortable in a cozy little coffee shop where I can actually hear myself think than in a noisy  restaurant where everyone is yelling to be heard.

I have a constant desire to please everyone around me, which can sometimes backfire or bring frustration. I'm always wondering what people are thinking, and would hate for them to feel uncomfortable or think ill of me, and thus I hesitate to push myself into social situations without being asked or invited. But yet I love to have people in my home, though I know I'm no Martha-Stewart "perfect hostess." It's so much more fulfilling to cook for others than merely preparing enough food to fill my single plate! Several times a month I contribute a couple of dishes for the weekly Sunday evening college student dinner at my church. Who knows, maybe I'll meet you at one of those dinners.

I surprise most people when they find out what an enthusiastic football fan I am. It just so happened that I chose a big SEC school for my doctoral degree, and it was then that I caught the college football fever. But I grew up rooting for a local NFL team, and now occasionally catch RedZone on my computer on a lazy Sunday afternoon. (According to my dad, who has met the parents of Scott Hanson, the RedZone host, Scott is a Christian ... and single, never having found the right girl. Hmmm...)

My dream home would include a fireplace, porch, plenty of space for hosting parties, a big kitchen, and ample space for children. I am not one for a lot of clutter and knick-knacks, but I do have a weakness for books. I'd love to have a library with built-in bookshelves from floor to ceiling! I'm confident that you and I could provide a much higher quality education for our children by allowing them to study at home rather than "going to school." I have recently come to admire and appreciate the classical approach to education, and could see myself implementing such a system in our family. I have a tender place in my heart for adoption, and have often wondered if the Lord would call me to such a ministry if I were married.

Enough for now. Someday you will find out even more about me. But for the present, just know that I am waiting for you, praying for you every day. I thank the Lord that you are being faithful to me even now as you wait for me to come in to your life. Stay strong, my sweetheart.

Waiting, 
Me