Melancholic musings

My dear one, 

How thrilling it would have been to have you with me for the hike I undertook last Saturday. Pleasant conversation, perfect weather, panaromic views, personal records achieved!

I've gradually come to the sad realization that the one I had hoped to be you, my dear one, is not. It would be desperate and foolish of me to continue those hopes. It has been all too easy to become infatuated with someone of godly character who also happens to be a fine musician. Yet I need someone who is a strong leader, motivated, capable, articulate... Someone who not only demonstrates ability but also ambition... Someone who can be as comfortable on the hiking trail as he is in the concert hall... But could someone like that ever take notice of little ol' me?

A string of email declines to my requests for assistance within my organization have left me quite discouraged this week. Everyone claims to be "too busy to take on any more." And thus I find myself having to take on more and more.

My spring break is over, and I have five weeks remaining for the semester. April, for the past 15 years, has certainly been one of my busiest months. I want this April to be one in which I can find serenity within the eye of the storm.

My dear one, I've learned how to live without you. But that does not mean there is no place for you. I long to share in your joys and sorrows, be a helper to you in life, and strengthen your heart for the work God has for you to do. To that end I continue to pray for you, hard though it is to keep hoping against hope...

Your Evenstar

A fainting heart in need of courage

My dear one, 

A profitable Saturday... It started out with a short run around a lake before the sun warmed things up too much. Then I did some grocery shopping, sent out some emails regarding the statewide event I'm coordinating, and filed my tax return.

I end the day on a frustrated note, however, for I received a discouraging email from the VP of the organization I'm in. She basically notified me that she's bowing out of her responsibilities now, before her term is up, citing that she'd "rather focus on her business and spend time with her family... thanks for understanding." I confess I started to cry as I read those words, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I can't use family for an excuse for anything in life, and it's a punch to the gut when others use that excuse with me. And secondly, I've put so much time into this organization during my term as president, with little help and much agonizing. I literally made myself ill last month with the stress of planning this upcoming event. If I had any inkling that it was acceptable to bow out of one's duties prematurely, I would have thrown in the towel after year one. But here I am in the thick of my second year, counting the days until September when this is over.

Am I being selfish? I only took on this responsibility because I needed the experience for my professional curriculum vitae. I shouldn't be throwing this pity party. I just need someone to put an arm around me and offer some word of encouragement! I feel so, so alone.

At the lake this morning, I sat on a bench after my run and read through some treasured psalms. The Lord knew I'd need those words for today...

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

and my portion for ever.

Psalm 27:13-14
I had fainted, 

unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord: 

be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen thine heart: 

wait, I say, on the Lord.

My silence is my self-defense

My dear one, 

Why is it that there are so many small-minded, vain, insolent, deceitful, untrustworthy people, even in the supposedly Christian community? So much of the time I feel so very alone. I find myself wondering if you, the one I haven't met yet, could ever truly be as wise, prudent, honest, ambitious, and selfless as I would imagine you to be... and as I would need you to be.

It started out as a feeling, 

Which then grew into a hope, 

Which then turned into a quiet thought, 

Which then turned into a quiet word...

~~~

I spoke to you in cautious tones, 

You answered me with no pretense; 

And still I feel I said too much--

My silence is my self-defense...

~~~

All you can do is try to know who your friends are 

As you head off to the war...

So thankful that Christ is my Shepherd, Rock, and Light. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never let go of my hand or turn His back on me. 

Loved with everlasting love, 

Led by grace that love to know; 

Spirit, breathing from above, 

Thou hast taught me it is so! 

Oh, this full and perfect peace! 

Oh, this transport all divine! 

In a love which cannot cease, 

I am His, and He is mine. 

~~~

O Love that wilt not let me go, 

I rest my weary soul in Thee; 

I give Thee back the life I owe, 

That in Thine ocean depths its flow 

May richer, fuller be.

I would hope...

My dear one, 

When I work over in my mind the pros and cons of my singleness, it worries me to realize that my personality is very much suited to the unmarried life. 

With my need for solitude to recharge, could I get used to having you (and children) around all the time, or would you get on my nerves? I would hope that our marriage could be one in which you give me my needed space, while also helping me to overcome my selfishness.

With my tendency to carefully plan each day, would I be able to take in stride the arising needs that I am called to meet? I would hope that I could agree, with a smile on my face, to the hosting of unexpected dinner guests you brought home -- for if you shared with me your vision for our home being one of ready hospitality, I would learn to make provision in advance for unplanned opportunities.

With my love of performing and teaching, how successfully would I adjust to putting family first before personal/musical opportunities? I would hope that the quiet routines of homekeeping remain the desire of my heart, as they do even now amidst the busyness of my career responsibilities.

I see my own selfishness particularly clearly when it comes to matters of time -- the minutes and hours of my day. When a friend texts to inform me that a previously agreed-upon meeting time will not work and asks for an extra half-hour, hour, or two, my first response is to think to myself, "Well, if I had known that earlier, I could have slept in longer, or run three more errands, or cleaned the kitchen, or done a load of laundry!!!"

The longer we're apart, my dear one, the more difficult the adjustment to married life may be. It will be a process of ongoing sanctification, to be sure! But I value the leadership and wisdom you would bring to our marriage, and I pray for your growth in godly maturity even now.

Always, 
Your Evenstar

A weary teacher's musings

My dear one,

Thankful to be feeling back to normal after a very rough Sunday (either food poisoning or a stomach bug). Good friends stopped by after church to supply me with Jello, ginger ale, and apple juice. By some miracle, I had regained enough strength by Monday morning to fulfill my teaching responsibilities! And on this first day of March I enjoyed a beautiful morning walk before work.

I had a certain opera tune on repeat in my head (the tutti finale from Act I of Rossini's La Cenerentola) this evening, so I turned on FoxNews on my computer (I don't own a TV) to see what Super Tuesday election results were in yet. The news proved discouraging enough to turn off the news and turn to my Bach Brandenburg Concerto playlist. That will "cleanse the palate" of opera tunes and political harangue...

I've been worrying about one of my students lately. She refuses to show any emotion in her countenance, conversation, or musical performance. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, keeping everyone except her sisters at arms' length. She treats me like I'm poison... or maybe just dirt... no matter how much extra care and support and encouragement I give her. And I'm with her for an average of 6 hours a week, so it's taking a lot of special grace from the Lord to keep my heart in the right place! Most of all, I'm concerned for her spiritual condition. She professes to know Christ as Saviour, but she and her family show many symptoms of a certain cultish segment of fundamentalism known for its hypocrisy, fraud, abuse and misogyny. I've asked counsel from several of my colleagues, but most of all I need the same wisdom that Solomon found from the Lord! "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5). [And honestly, one very clear sign of the Lord's help came the very moment I found myself distracted from the writing of this paragraph -- when I drifted over to my Facebook newsfeed, a friend had just posted a very pertinent article from a wise pastor!]

Other than that, my main focus these days is a major statewide event coming up in five weeks. I will be so thankful when my term as president of this organization is completed this summer! I don't think I have an administrative bone in my body... But this is my second year at this, so hopefully I've learned something that can help make this event even more successful than the last!

I could only wish you were here to chat with me, share a smile, and learn how much I've prayed for you.

Until then, my dear one... 
Your Evenstar