Holding hands with you in my dreams

My dear one, 

I have found a new favorite drink to fill the void left by my coffee abstinence -- I mix Tazo Decaf Chai Latte Concentrate with unsweetened almond milk and heat for a wonderfully comforting treat! I'm also loving Trader Joe's Harvest Blend tea (cinnamon, ginger, apple, orange, chamomile, hibiscus, etc.), and last autumn I stocked up with enough boxes to last me the year!

I had a dream last night that was so vivid that I weep now in recollection of it.

You and I were hiking with a group of mutual friends. At one boulder-scrambling spot, you turned back and offered me your hand to help me up. We spoke no words but the look between us communicated that we both felt the electric current of attraction. As the miles continued on, our hands met again and again -- for unnecessary reasons and increasing lengths -- until it was obvious to us both and to the entire party that this was something more, something real, something special.

You had a face, you had a name, but like in my real life, you say nothing.

I'm learning how to live with the silence, the wondering, the waiting, the hoping... I take it to the Lord in prayer and leave it in His hands. Your hand may never reach for mine, but He holds me in His hand forever, never to let go.

Psalm 139:7-10 
Whither shall I go from Thy spirit? 

or whither shall I flee from Thy presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there: 

if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there.
If I take the wings of the morning, 

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall Thy hand lead me, 

and Thy right hand shall hold me.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: 

be not dismayed; for I am thy God: 

I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; 

yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.

Isaiah 41:13
For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, 

saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

John 10:27-29

My sheep hear My voice, 

and I know them, 

and they follow Me:

And I give unto them eternal life; 

and they shall never perish, 

neither shall any man pluck them out of My hand.
My Father, which gave them Me, is greater than all; 

and no man is able to pluck them out of My Father's hand.

Rainy Tuesday ramblings

My dear one, 

One major reason I continue these letters is that they encourage me to articulate ideas swirling around in my mind. 

Today was one of those needed "unproductive days." I fulfilled my few Tuesday responsibilities at work, threw together a green smoothie, and collapsed on the couch for a four-hour "nap." When I awoke and scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed that a good friend had tagged me on her link to a scathingly profound article by philosopher Roger Scruton. Both she and I are very much saddened at the pronounced decline in the quality of music promoted in our Christian circles, and Scruton's article, which addresses the larger secular community, makes similar observations. Referring to the banality of pop music, he laments:

"...You are rightly prevented from polluting the air of a restaurant with smoke; but nothing prevents the owner from inflicting this far worse pollution on his customers - pollution that poisons not the body but the soul."

And towards the end of the article he gives the encouragement to exercise and teach judgment:

"...The belief that there is a difference between good and bad, meaningful and meaningless, profound and vapid, exciting and banal - this belief was once fundamental to musical education. But it offends against political correctness. Today there is only my taste and yours. The suggestion that my taste is better than yours is elitist, an offence against equality. But unless we teach children to judge, to discriminate, to recognise the difference between music of lasting value and mere ephemera, we give up on the task of education. Judgment is the precondition of true enjoyment, and the prelude to understanding art in all its forms."

As my friend rightly commented, wisdom and discernment come from God alone. "Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength" (Proverbs 8:14). The Lord demands our firstfruits (Proverbs 3:9-10), including the area of our musical choices (Psalm 33:3; Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16). Anything less is an affront to the beauty of His holiness (1 Chronicles 16:29; 2 Chronicles 20:21; Psalm 29:2; Psalm 96:9). There is no room for cheap, tawdry distraction in the life of the dedicated servant of Christ. "...Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things" (Philippians 4:8). My dear one, I can only hope and pray that you possess such discernment when it comes to your personal artistic preferences.

Eastern Coast of Iceland © 2012 Heather McGrath

I've been studying the book of Job. In addition to making my own notes in my new journaling Bible, I've been re-reading a Job commentary by Layton Talbert. One thought that has been running through my mind the past week is the insight Job makes in chapter 26, as he meditates on the glory of God as reflected in creation. Verse 14: "Lo, these are parts of His ways: but how little a portion is heard of Him? but the thunder of His power who can understand?" The ESV renders the first part of the verse, "Behold, these are but the outskirts of His ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of Him!" Talbert rewords Job's exclamation: "What we can discern of the infinite God from His works in nature and history are the mere coastlines of the continent of the mind and character of God." What a concept! My recent obsession with all things Icelandic has led me to some extraordinary landscape photography of the island (such as the coastline image in this post). When I meditate on the truth that the stunning revelations that God has given us in His Word and His creation are only the tip of the border of the magnificence of His glory and beauty, I can only fall on my face in worship as John did in Revelation 1:17. What a mighty God we serve! All we are and have is from His gracious hand. How can we give back to Him anything but our very best?

Only Christ can satisfy

My dear one,

I've come under conviction about holding you up, or even holding up the idea of you, as an idol without which I can't find true satisfaction. Though God has already picked you out for me (if you do exist), it will never not your job, nor is it in your power, to make me happy. Only the Lord Jesus Christ can satisfy the hungerings and thirstings and deepest longings of my soul.

Job 23:12
Neither have I gone back from the commandment of His lips; 

I have esteemed the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.

Psalm 34:8 

O taste and see that the Lord is good:

blessed is the man that trusteth in Him.

Psalm 36:7-9 

How excellent is Thy lovingkindness, O God!

therefore the children of men put their trust 

under the shadow of Thy wings.
They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of Thy house; 

and Thou shalt make them drink of the river of Thy pleasures.
For with Thee is the fountain of life: 

in Thy light shall we see light. 

Psalm 42:1-2
As the hart panteth after the water brooks,

so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: 

when shall I come and appear before God?

Psalm 63:1 

O God, Thou art my God;

early will I seek Thee: 

my soul thirsteth for Thee, my flesh longeth for Thee 

in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.

Psalm 119:20, 103, 131

My soul breaketh for the longing

that it hath unto Thy judgments at all times.

How sweet are Thy words unto my taste!

yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

I opened my mouth, and panted:

for I longed for Thy commandments.

Isaiah 55:1-2
Ho, every one that thirsteth, 

come ye to the waters, 

and he that hath no money; 

come ye, buy, and eat; 

yea, come, buy wine and milk 

without money and without price.
Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? 

and your labour for that which satisfieth not? 

hearken diligently unto Me, 

and eat ye that which is good, 

and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

Matthew 5:6 

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness:

for they shall be filled.

Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; 

and all these things shall be added unto you.

John 4:10
Jesus answered and said unto her, 

If thou knewest the gift of God, 

and who it is that saith to thee, 

Give Me to drink; 

thou wouldest have asked of Him, 

and He would have given thee living water.

John 4:13-14 

Jesus answered and said unto her, 

Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: 

but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him 

shall never thirst; 

but the water that I shall give him shall be in him 

a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

John 6:35
And Jesus said unto them, 

I am the bread of life: 

he that cometh to Me shall never hunger; 

and he that believeth on Me shall never thirst. 

John 7:37 

In the last day, that great day of the feast,

Jesus stood and cried, saying, 

If any man thirst, let him come unto Me, and drink. 

1 Peter 2:2-3 

As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, 

that ye may grow thereby:
if so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious.

Revelation 21:6 

And He said unto me, It is done.

I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. 

I will give unto him that is athirst 

of the fountain of the water of life freely. 

Revelation 22:17b 

...And let him that is athirst come. 

And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

O Christ, in Thee my soul hath found,

And found in Thee alone,

The peace, the joy I sought so long,

The bliss till now unknown.

Refrain:

Now none but Christ can satisfy,

None other name for me;

There's love, and life, and lasting joy,

Lord Jesus, found in Thee.

I sighed for rest and happiness,

I yearned for them, not Thee;

But while I passed my Saviour by,

His love laid hold on me.

I tried the broken cisterns, Lord,

But ah! the waters failed!

E'en as I stooped to drink they'd fled,

And mocked me as I wailed.

The pleasures lost I sadly mourned,

But never wept for Thee,

Till grace the sightless eyes received,

Thy loveliness to see.

(B.E., 19th cent.)

Conduct in singleness

My dear one,

As I was leisurely getting ready for church this morning (Sunday School having been canceled due to morning road conditions), I found myself thinking yet again about a particular gentleman whose presence never fails to brighten my day. And though I continue to hope that, in God's providence, this young man could be you, I also found myself considering a scenario in which I tell you about him. And I would be able to do so without embarrassment or shame, for there is nothing unwholesome about my secret admiration for him. He is godly, thoughtful, smart, responsible, and gifted -- and it is those very qualities that cause me to notice him. Were you to know him, I feel sure that you would have already sought his friendship.

I would hope and pray that if you are currently pursuing another young lady, or have in the past, or will before you find me, that your conduct and regard for her would be wholesome and worthy of a Christian gentleman. And when you tell me about her qualities, I will respect you all the more for having looked for them in her, and I will strive all the more to cultivate those same qualities.

And yes, my dear one, I seek to cultivate those godly fruits even now ... and even if you never find me -- kindness, selflessness, modesty, holiness, joy, patience, faithfulness, "the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" (I Peter 3:4). I do this ultimately for the Lord, not for you.

May we both walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which we have been called!
Your Evenstar

Winter Wonderland

My dear one, 

Once again I find myself in an "unusual-for-the-South" winter wonderland. The snow fell silently all night after a Friday of freezing rain and sleet (or are they the same?). I woke to a brilliantly cold Saturday morning and a heart full of joy at the prospect of a long walk to savor the stillness and capture a few images. The snow coating the broad magnolia tree by my window is an especially beautiful anomaly!

Yesterday's icy conditions gave rise to the cancelation of classes, and I used the unexpected and precious gift of time to clean my apartment and write some needed emails for an event my organization is hosting in April. So now I'm enjoying this Saturday to the fullest -- baking cranberry orange muffins, drinking my favorite tea, Skyping with a far-away friend, browsing Instagram for inspiring Icelandic landscapes, and doing my best to ignore your absence. I'm chipping away at my 2016 book list, which includes such diversity as Massad Ayoob's Deadly Force: Understanding Your Right to Self Defense and the poetry of William Cowper.

If only I could invite you and your friends over for a bowl of hot soup and a muffin! Here's hoping that by the next snowfall I have found you...

Until then, 
Your Evenstar

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, my dear one!

Sleep evades me so I sit with a cup of tea, gazing at the lights of my Christmas tree. All my decorations are still up, and I'm in no hurry to take them down. Since arriving back home following time with my family, most of my time has been spent reading, writing, and prepping the course I'll be teaching this semester.

I have mixed feelings about the arrival of 2016. It has the potential to be a very good year, but I go into the year with some heavy responsibilities weighing me down. (If I make it to May in one piece, I'll be doing well.) What worries you the most about this new year?

My phrase for 2015 was "rich toward God," and this year I'm following that up with the word "stewardship." I need to cultivate disciplined intentionality in all areas of my life. Perhaps I'll expound on that later with some Scripture passages I'm claiming for 2016...

I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with friends, watching the new Cinderella movie and drinking sparkling cider. I didn't feel too much like the fifth wheel, but of course it would have been better if you were there with me.

Will this be the year we find one another? 
I still hope... 
Your Evenstar

Christmas Eve

My dear one,

Thinking of you on this balmy Christmas Eve. I enjoyed the annual tradition of watching the webcast of Tenth Presbyterian's Lessons and Carols with my parents, and am now sitting with the full moon in view. (Who knows, you could be looking at the moon right now too...)

Christmas Day will be quite low-key with my family this year, as always. One of my brothers arrives tomorrow after another Amazon shift, and a nice afternoon meal to share with my grandparents next door is in the works. Saturday may hold some family fun at the shooting range.

What traditions might you and I create together? Somehow I picture you wanting quiet and cozy -- nothing super-commercialized or materialistic. Perhaps with your family or mine, or maybe even off on our own.

But for this year, the mistletoe still awaits us... Pray for me, my dear one, as I do for you.

Waiting,
Your Evenstar

Social media: random current thoughts

My dear one, 

I've been quite tight-lipped on social media lately, feeling more and more that I don't fit the "mold," even in my Christian circles. I'm weary of being judged for my convictions, my decisions, my expectations. 


Just yesterday I "bit my virtual tongue" when one professional colleague posted a rant against holiday cards labeling her as her husband's property: 'To Mr. & Mrs. [John Smith].'" She claims to be a Christian and yet considers it "bad taste" and "gender-biased" to accept her husband's name. What I wanted to say was, "Dear [friend], may I offer you the traditional Christian view of this practice? The custom of taking the husband's name originated much earlier than English common law. In fact, God Himself initiated this pattern when He instituted marriage. 'Male and female created He them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created' (Genesis 5:2). It is not a statement about the wife being the husband's property, but rather an acknowledgement of the husband's headship within the marriage covenant. And furthermore, since a Christian marriage is a spiritual and physical union in the eyes of God, why should there be two names for one flesh?" I didn't say any of that... but perhaps I should have. It saddens me that, as a single person, I may be assumed to be a feminist who does not value or uphold the sanctity of marriage. Does my silence on the liberal views that cross my newsfeed imply my acceptance? Dear one, please know that for me to be your wife, will be to joyfully submit to your headship and honor your name. I'm eager for the day that I can show my friends that I accept and love this God-ordained order.

On the other end of the spectrum, another friend recently posted a tribute to his wife on their six-year anniversary, recounting the events leading to their marriage: "I was 31 years old, still single, and I felt like most of the ladies my age were already 'spoken for' or not interested in me. I earnestly desired to be married and had prayed many times for the Lord’s provision, but that door had been providentially closed different times in different ways. When [Jane] and I first started dating, my mother remarked a number of times, 'Here's this beautiful, godly, young lady who's been in school for a number of years. In all that time, how on earth did she not get snatched up by those guys over there?' My consistent response was, 'That's not hard to figure out, Mom. God had her saved for me.' Although I may have said that half-jokingly, I do believe that in God's perfect timing, He allowed [Jane] and me to minister in our single state for many years, but when the time was right, blessed us with the opportunity to minister together as one. I realize that God's long-term plan for some may be singleness (and in His plan, that can be a perfect path), but I would encourage the many single folks out there to be patient and wait on the Lord. His plan is perfect and His arm truly mighty to accomplish the desires of our hearts!" I sat there and cried for quite a while after reading that one, which proves that a resignation to God's will and the persistent yearnings for companionship are still doing battle in my heart. The Lord is continuing to teach me the lesson of "contentment in all things." I don't claim to have achieved that state as the Apostle Paul did ("I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content"), yet I'm growing in this journey of singleness as I uncover little by little what it means to "wait only upon God" (Psalm 62:5).

My prayers are ever for your strength, protection, and wisdom, my dear one. 
-- Your Evenstar

And the Lord will continually guide you,

And satisfy your desire in scorched places,

And give strength to your bones;

And you will be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

(Isaiah 58:11 NASB)

Restlessness

My dear one,

I'm feeling quite restless and confused these days. It would be a sweet mercy if I could just turn off my emotions and just productively plug away at my responsibilities. But no... my head and heart continue to battle -- so I am striving to cling to the verse that says, "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth." 

I pray that the Lord would enable you to make wise choices, enjoy edifying friendships, and follow in the narrow way that leads to life.

As ever, 

Your Evenstar

Whate’er pursuits my time employ,

One thought shall fill my soul with joy;

That silent, secret hope shall be,

That all my hopes are fixed on Thee.

(Jean-Frédéric Oberlin, trans. Lucy L. Wilson)

Autumn contemplations

My dear one, 

It's my favorite time of year. I love the bright blue skies of October, the leaden skies of November. I love the colors, smell, and crunch of the leaves. I love a steaming mug of spiced cider in my hands and a warm sweater wrapped around me.

Monday saw the deadline of a big project. I turned in my 427-page digital portfolio. Crossing my fingers that it passes the approval of my dean and the academic committee that is tasked with reviewing these kind of things. Approval would mean an advancement in rank and a pay increase. Someone asked me the other day if I was basking in my title of "Dr." Heavens, no! I still don't like using it. Still afraid it might keep you away from me, perhaps...

I am still fighting the battle for contentment in my singleness. Though my heart continues to whisper hope concerning one acquaintance, my head is becoming more insistent in its warnings of No. 

Why is it that men are generally either spineless or self-important? (And sometimes both!) I acknowledge the fact that there are outliers -- those rare instances of a gentleman who is walking with the Lord and humbly serving those around him -- and I ask the Lord in such weak faith whether I could ever be worthy of such a one. Worthy of you, my dear one.

O let my trembling soul be still, 

While darkness veils this mortal eye, 

And wait Thy wise and holy will, 

Though wrapped in fears and mystery: 

I cannot, Lord, Thy purpose see; 

Yet all is well since ruled by Thee! 

When, mounted on Thy clouded car, 

Thou send’st Thy darker spirits down, 

I can discern Thy light afar, 

Thy light sweet beaming through their frown; 

And, should I faint a moment, then 

I think of Thee, and smile again. 

So, trusting in Thy love, I tread 

The narrow path of duty on; 

What though some cherished joys are fled? 

What though some flattering dreams are gone? 

Yet purer, nobler joys remain, 

And peace is won through conquered pain. 

(John Bowring)

Taken from a moonroof before the camera could properly focus,
but I'm liking the impressionistic effect...

Tears for you

My dear one, 

A few tears are falling down my cheeks as I think about you and pray for you this evening. I don't know how long I will have to wait for you ... but this I know: it will be worth it. Some may think the reason I am waiting so long is that my expectations are too high. That can't be the reason, for I have known two acquaintances that fit those "expectations." It's simple, really -- act justly ... love faithfulness ... walk humbly with your God.

And if you are praying for me, I would ask that you pray for my heart, because I desperately need to keep my focus on the Lord in this season of loneliness.

As I drove through my favorite mountains this afternoon, I thought of how lovely it would be to be enjoying those views with you. What would our conversations be like if we were riding together along that beautiful stretch of road? Someday, my dear one...

With prayers and tears, 
Your Evenstar

Thoughts for you on a Friday night

My dear one, 

Did I really expect to find you sometime during that long Psalm series I just finished? Something in me says yes, that's why I stretched it out for so long. But then another part of me chides such foolishness, realizing that there are fewer and fewer good men in my generation. It makes me sick to think that many of the supposedly respectable leaders and "family men" out there are deceptive hypocrites, as the news media seems delighted to report on a regular basis. All I can do is pray the harder for you, darling. May you seek the mind of Christ in all aspects of your life -- your relationships, your responsibilities, your recreation.

On a lighter note, I'm excited that the weekend is here. This was my first week "back at the salt mines," but it was a productive one. My alarm was set for 4:30am every day -- giving me time to get to the gym and have a time of Bible reading and prayer before work. The only thing that has been missing in my morning routine is my coffee, for I quit recently. Alas, it leaves such a hole in my life...! But I don't miss the dependence, nor the headache if I skipped a day, nor the pressure on my budget caused by my preference for "organic/free-trade."

My alarm is set even earlier for tomorrow morning, because I have hiking/biking plans in my favorite local national park!! I call it my "backyard." Someday I'd love to have you along to explore with me -- oh how I long to hike with you, to know that your strong hand is there to help me up those steep cliffs, to enjoy the beautiful mountain vistas with you...

So with those most pleasant thoughts to take the place of bitter recent ruminations, I bid you good-night, my dear one.

Praying for you, 
Your Evenstar

The gospel according to the Psalms

The Psalms are full of gospel truth! In these songs written by Old Testament believers, we see--

• Confession of sin: "There is none righteous, no, not one" (14:1).
• Conviction of guilt and demerit: "If Thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquity, O Lord, who shall stand?" (130:4,7).
• Fear of God's righteous judgment: "Rebuke me not in Thine anger, neither chasten me in Thy hot displeasure" (6:1).
• A sense of inevitable condemnation on the ground of God's Law: "Enter not into judgment with Thy servant, for in Thy sight shall no man living be justified" (143:2).
• The earnest cry for undeserved mercy: "Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy loving-kindness; according unto the multitude of Thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions" (51:1).
• Faith in His revealed character as the just God and the Saviour: "Good and upright is the LORD; therefore will He teach sinners in the way" (25:8).
• Hope of pardon, resting on a propitiation; for "with the LORD there is mercy, and with Him is plenteous redemption" (130:7).
• The pleading of God's name, or the glory of all His perfections: "For Thy name's sake, O LORD, pardon mine iniquity, for it is great" (25:11).
• Joy and peace in believing; for "blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of Thy countenance; in Thy name shall they rejoice all the day" (89:15-16).
• A trust in God and the faithfulness of His promises: "I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever; with my mouth will I make known Thy faithfulness to all generations; for mercy shall be built up for ever, Thy faithfulness shalt Thou establish in the very heavens" (89:1-2).
• A trust in the Saviour of sinners: "Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and ye perish from the way: blessed are all they that put their trust in Him" (2:12).
• A confidence in another righteousness than their own: "Behold, O God our shield, and look upon the face of Thine Anointed" (84:9).
• Patient, persevering, hopeful waiting upon God: "My soul, wait thou only upon God, for my expectation is from Him; He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us" (62:5-8).

(These points are taken from James Buchanan, The Doctrine of Justification.)

Psalm 1

Verses 1-3...

Blessed is the man 

   who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, 

nor stands in the way of sinners,
   nor sits in the seat of scoffers; 

but his delight is in the law of the LORD, 

   and on His law he meditates day and night. 

He is like a tree 

   planted by streams of water 

that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither. 

In all that he does, he prospers.

And thus I reach the end of what ended up being more of a drawn-out series than I anticipated. Countdown of the 150 psalms over the course of 2.5 years... 

On 3/11/13, I wrote to "my dear one":

I know of several couples who have read through the 150 psalms backwards as a countdown as they anticipate their wedding. But what if I used the psalms as a countdown right now, starting with Psalm 150 and believing that the Lord would bring you into my life before I reach Psalm 1?

Well, here I am, having finally reached Psalm 1 -- wondering when I'll meet you, my dear one. In my prayers I continue to hope, but still find no answers from the Lord.

The Lord bless you and keep you! 

Ever hoping, 

Your Evenstar

Psalm 2

Verses 2, 4, 12b...

The kings of the earth set themselves,
   and the rulers take counsel together,
   against the Lord, and against His Anointed...
[but] He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh:
   the Lord shall have them in derision...
Blessed are all they that put their trust in Him.

Thankful that we have a King whose victory over sin, death, and evil is certain and unassailable. "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness!"

Did we in our own strength confide,

Our striving would be losing;

Were not the right Man on our side,

The Man of God's own choosing.

Dost ask who that may be?

Christ Jesus, it is He;

Lord Sabaoth, His name,

From age to age the same,

And He must win the battle.

(Martin Luther)