Shootings and protests, justice and righteousness

My dear one, 

I don't consider myself to be an activist of any sort, and I typically shy away from making political statements on social media. But I've been mulling over in my mind what I might be able to share regarding these horrendous shootings and protests against those who seek to protect us. In true INTJ fashion, I'm still wrestling with words, attempting to corral the swirling thoughts in my head and make some sense of them. Perhaps one day I'll have something witty to say. But for now, some of my thoughts for you to peek in on (for I see safety in confiding even confused ramblings to you)...

I'm proud to be an American, and I never cease to thrill at the sight of our flag. I'm thankful for those serving in our military. I respect the police and am grateful for their vigilance. I also exercise my right to carry self-defense weapons for protection of myself and my fellow-citizens. But I am first and foremost a citizen of a heavenly kingdom, and as such, I recognize that Christ is the only answer to the problems plaguing our world. Yes, we may grieve the ongoing issues of terrorism, abortion, racial prejudice, moral corruption, etc., but we must also admit that these are not new developments in our world. From the time of the Fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam's race (and no, there are not multiple races) has been hopelessly bound in sin -- sins of pride, sins of rebellion against God and the institutions He ordained. 

As the Westminster Confession of Faith so succinctly summarizes Christ's work for His people, "It pleased God, in His eternal purpose, to choose and ordain the Lord Jesus, His only begotten Son, to be the Mediator between God and man, the Prophet, Priest, and King, the Head and Savior of His Church, the Heir of all things, and Judge of the world: unto whom He did from all eternity give a people, to be His seed, and to be by Him in time redeemed, called, justified, sanctified, and glorified." Christ is the Victor, and in Him I place my trust and rejoice in my union to Him. Adam is no longer my representative; the Second Adam has kept God's Law perfectly and advocates for me before the throne of God. I am now dressed in Christ's robes of righteousness. Injustice against and suffering by God's people will one day be abolished. Sin will be judged, and righteousness will be established. 

...So what can I do in these "last days"? I must love God and love my neighbor. In loving God I must reflect His holiness in my attitudes and actions. In loving my neighbor I must exercise selflessness, pursue his good, and share the gospel of Christ.

Let love be genuine. 
Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 
Love one another with brotherly affection. 
Outdo one another in showing honor. 
Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 
Live in harmony with one another. 
Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. 
Never be wise in your own sight. 
Repay no one evil for evil, 
but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, 
but leave it to the wrath of God, 
for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 
To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; 
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; 
for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
(Romans 12:9-21)

Gentle rhythms of summer

My dear one, 

Recent circumstances and conversations give me hope that although I have yet to meet you, good single men – you among them – are still out there somewhere. I still maintain my mental list of what kind of man you should be, but at the same time I have a growing feeling that you will be nothing like what I could envision. So how do I dare write to such an unknown gentleman? Am I better off ceasing to write in this space, choosing instead to focus all my energies on self-improvement and godly pursuits? Or dare I share more of my heart? 

The gentle rhythms of the summer season have done my heart good. My soul has been refreshed by time spent in the Word and in the books of godly men and women. My body has been invigorated through hiking adventures, strength training at the gym, and the nutrition of seasonal produce. 

I enjoyed a bit of time with my parents this past week. Because I live 600+ miles away from them, my visits are few. They live in a 600-sq-ft apartment, so it's definitely "cozy" when I'm staying with them! My grandparents, two doors down, are no longer in a position to offer me sleeping quarters, but Mom and Dad's living room has a reclining chair which was sufficient for a good night's sleep. I was definitely lazy during my time there, watching Wimbledon tennis with Mom, sharing mint chocolate chip ice cream with Dad...


I brought home some lovely fine china pieces that belonged to my great-grandmother, and while carefully washing them this afternoon, my mind wandered to think of the conversations that those delicate English teacups might have heard over the years. My great-grandmother was a very smart and accomplished lady who served as a dietician during WWI. It was during the war that she met and fell in love with the man who would become her husband. Though she came from a wealthy English family, she married that young American soldier for love, likely falling short of her parents' expectations for her. But they both loved the Lord first and foremost. That lady's son is my grandfather, now 90 years old. My grandfather showed me a note he keeps in his Bible, something his mother had written to him when he went off to serve in the Army during WWII. "My son, I do not worry about you. You know the Lord and He will go with you. Always love Him and look to Him in all you do. Your father and I love you very much."

And it is that godly heritage that I think about as I sip a cup of tea from her china teacup. The Lord knows my heart's desire is to have a daughter who will reflect God's faithfulness to her own generation and beyond.

What would we talk about if you were sitting with me now? I could share my growing interest in visiting Iceland someday. Wouldn't that make a picturesque honeymoon destination? You'd be sure to get an earful about firearms – my trips to the shooting range, my research on concealable semiautomatic handguns, my thoughts on the government's liberal agenda. We might compare our upbringings and discuss how we would hope to raise our own children. Would you trust me to educate our children and help me to do so? I might tell you about my burden for orphans and my enthusiasm over adoptions's portrayal of glorious gospel realities.

Wherever you are, my dear one, stay strong. I pray for you every day and I look for you in every smile. 

Always, 
Your Evenstar

Intimidatingly independent?

My dear one, 

On more than one occasion, I've worried that you won't give me a second thought because I'm "too independent." That you won't give me the chance to share with you my heart regarding the role of a Christian wife. That you won't want someone who is highly educated, with a terminal degree and a career in academia, etc... 

Perhaps the reason I worry about all this is that most of the men I know are—as Shakespeare termed it—"lily-livered." If you are the kind of man I would hope you to be, you actually want a strong, capable, intelligent woman by your side for a companion through life's journey. Not some giggling, ditzy trophy-wife to stroke your ego. 

Strong doesn't have to mean stubborn; on the contrary, I believe it takes a greater strength to graciously submit to one's husband than it does to be an uncompromising shrew. Independent doesn't have to mean self-ruling or sovereign; rather, it can refer to a responsible individual who has learned to make hard decisions and "do hard things" rather than push them off on someone else. 

You will not complete me, and I cannot complete you. You and I are already both complete in Christ. But in God's time, by His will, and for His glory, He can unite our hearts and lives to accomplish together much more than we can on our own. 

Until then, I'll continue to be that "intimidatingly independent single girl," submitted to Christ and praying for you...

If you were here

My dear one, 

I imagine that if you were here, you'd accompany me on an evening run around the lake. Then you would sip a cup of tea and enjoy a bit of reading as I washed the supper dishes. In the background, this album would be serenading our evening. After I finished cleaning up the kitchen, perhaps you'd read a chapter of the Bible to me and we would pray together. 

You know what? All of that has still happened, just without you. I did go for a run, clean up the kitchen, drink a cup of tea, listen to music, read my Bible, and close the day in prayer. 

And perhaps if you had been here, none of that would have happened. 

But I'd still choose you over all the little special blessings of my current singleness. 

Still hoping, 

Your Evenstar

Hiking highs

My dear one,

On Friday I took my first truly solo hiking adventure, since my usual hiking buddy had a rehearsal. It was a wonderful time of meditation and prayer in God's beautiful creation! The fog was heavy as I started out on the first trail. Spring is just arriving at that altitude.

A beautiful little gazebo emerged from the fog. I must admit my first thought was: "This would be the perfect place for a marriage proposal."

I spied several different wildflowers, including dog-violet and trillium...

The second trail I began was quite rugged. Nervous about doing it on my own, I soon turned back.

The final trail took me through a balsam forest. The aroma of the balsams was intoxicating and the view at the summit exhilarating!

How much more exhilerating it would be to hike with you...!

Summer excitement

My dear one, 

As they say, the three best things about being a teacher are June, July, and August. 
(And for a college professor, that can be adjusted to May, June, and July.) 

I'm halfway through my first of 14 weeks of summer, and am already confident of it being a much more productive break than last summer. I've made a list of summer priorities, including goals for my spiritual life, music performance and professional development, health and fitness, finances, summer teaching, ministry opportunities, and traveling... and I'm officially excited! 

The only thing missing from that list is meeting you. Honestly, this summer would be a really good time if you want to show up... Look for me out on the hiking trails, in the concert halls, and exploring fun little restaurants downtown. 

All my love, 
Your Evenstar

Good hope through grace

My dear one, 

The exams are finished, the grades in, the regalia soon to be donned this afternoon. This time of year is a bittersweet mix of goodbyes, nostalgia, and relief. And I can't recall a year in which Commencement Day had more perfectly cool weather (given the fact that the southern sun and doctoral regalia typically conspire to overheat this exhausted professor).

I had a rather unsettling dream last night, in which I found renewed reason to hope. Why can't my subconscious let go of what my resolved heart has determined to forget? To be honest, the constant barrage of engagement announcements and wedding invitations isn't helping my frame of mind. I cried driving home last night as the weight of loneliness felt crushingly intense. 

What new experiences does this summer bring for you? Is your work wearisome? Are you praying for wisdom concerning hard decisions? Do you find yourself refreshed in the Lord? The words of 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 come to mind: 

Now our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, 

and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, 

and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, 

comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work.

I'm praying this for you, my dear one.

Your Evenstar

Now

My dear one, 

If ever I felt keenly your absence, 
wanted to share with you my hope and dreams, 
wondered what struggles you are facing, 
it is now. 

If ever I hoped that the traits you are known for 
are loyalty, 
humility, and courage, 
it is now.

If ever I wanted someone to cook for, 
snuggle with, 
and spoil in general, 
it is now.

If ever I sensed that you're praying for me, 
thinking about me, 
hoping to meet me, 
it is now.

Evening Prayer

Watch, O Lord, 

with those who wake, 

or watch or weep tonight, 

and give your angels charge 

over those who sleep. 

Tend your sick ones,

O Lord Jesus Christ; 

rest your weary ones; 

bless your dying ones; 

soothe your suffering ones; 

pity your afflicted ones; 

shield your joyous ones; 

and all for your love’s sake. 

Amen.

--St. Augustine (354–430)

I would live in your love...

I would live in your love as the sea-grasses live in the sea, 
Borne up by each wave as it passes, drawn down by each wave that recedes; 

I would empty my soul of the dreams that have gathered in me, 

I would beat with your heart as it beats, I would follow your soul as it leads. 

(Sarah Teasdale)

The confession of an honest soul

I'm crying over this aria today...

English translation of Onegin's first-act aria from Eugene Onegin: 

You wrote to me 

Do not deny it, I have read 

The confession of an honest soul, 

The claim of an innocent love 

Your sincerity is dear to me 

For it, I shall repay you 

By also telling the truth 

Straight as it is 

So accept this confession I submit myself to your judgement. 

Had I wished to limit my life with a burden of family, 

Had I been granted a good fortune to be a father or a husband, 

Then, having met you, I would look no further 

But I was not created for such indulgences 

My soul is not open to them, 

Your great qualities are wasted on me 

For I am not worthy of them, 

Believe me, in all honesty 

The marital life would be a torture for you, 

No matter how much love I had for you, 

The moment it becomes a habit, 

I would love you no more 

Then judge for yourself, then, what kind of roses 

Would Hymen have in store for us, 

And for how many long days. 

 

The dreams and years have fled away, and shall not return, 

I love you like a brother, yes a brother, 

And, perhaps, somewhat more tenderly than a brother would. 

 

So listen to me and have no angst 

Many times would a young maiden trade one passing dream 

For another one. 

(Translation by Stephen Ettinger)

A thankless job

My dear one, 

What a weekend it has been (the event I headed up for a statewide music organization). Without a doubt, the most challenging few days of my entire life... 

I don't even have the emotional strength to write about it all. Suffice it to say, I'm ready to get back into my "normal busy schedule." 

There's a saying: "If you want it done right, do it yourself." But in my experience this weekend, the saying should truly be: "If you want it done at all, you'll have to do it yourself, because no one is even remotely interested in helping you."

If you were here, I think I'd just bury my head in your shoulder and sob.

If you're out there, please pray for me. 

I feel more alone than ever.

Your Evenstar

Melancholic musings

My dear one, 

How thrilling it would have been to have you with me for the hike I undertook last Saturday. Pleasant conversation, perfect weather, panaromic views, personal records achieved!

I've gradually come to the sad realization that the one I had hoped to be you, my dear one, is not. It would be desperate and foolish of me to continue those hopes. It has been all too easy to become infatuated with someone of godly character who also happens to be a fine musician. Yet I need someone who is a strong leader, motivated, capable, articulate... Someone who not only demonstrates ability but also ambition... Someone who can be as comfortable on the hiking trail as he is in the concert hall... But could someone like that ever take notice of little ol' me?

A string of email declines to my requests for assistance within my organization have left me quite discouraged this week. Everyone claims to be "too busy to take on any more." And thus I find myself having to take on more and more.

My spring break is over, and I have five weeks remaining for the semester. April, for the past 15 years, has certainly been one of my busiest months. I want this April to be one in which I can find serenity within the eye of the storm.

My dear one, I've learned how to live without you. But that does not mean there is no place for you. I long to share in your joys and sorrows, be a helper to you in life, and strengthen your heart for the work God has for you to do. To that end I continue to pray for you, hard though it is to keep hoping against hope...

Your Evenstar

A fainting heart in need of courage

My dear one, 

A profitable Saturday... It started out with a short run around a lake before the sun warmed things up too much. Then I did some grocery shopping, sent out some emails regarding the statewide event I'm coordinating, and filed my tax return.

I end the day on a frustrated note, however, for I received a discouraging email from the VP of the organization I'm in. She basically notified me that she's bowing out of her responsibilities now, before her term is up, citing that she'd "rather focus on her business and spend time with her family... thanks for understanding." I confess I started to cry as I read those words, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I can't use family for an excuse for anything in life, and it's a punch to the gut when others use that excuse with me. And secondly, I've put so much time into this organization during my term as president, with little help and much agonizing. I literally made myself ill last month with the stress of planning this upcoming event. If I had any inkling that it was acceptable to bow out of one's duties prematurely, I would have thrown in the towel after year one. But here I am in the thick of my second year, counting the days until September when this is over.

Am I being selfish? I only took on this responsibility because I needed the experience for my professional curriculum vitae. I shouldn't be throwing this pity party. I just need someone to put an arm around me and offer some word of encouragement! I feel so, so alone.

At the lake this morning, I sat on a bench after my run and read through some treasured psalms. The Lord knew I'd need those words for today...

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

and my portion for ever.

Psalm 27:13-14
I had fainted, 

unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord: 

be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen thine heart: 

wait, I say, on the Lord.

My silence is my self-defense

My dear one, 

Why is it that there are so many small-minded, vain, insolent, deceitful, untrustworthy people, even in the supposedly Christian community? So much of the time I feel so very alone. I find myself wondering if you, the one I haven't met yet, could ever truly be as wise, prudent, honest, ambitious, and selfless as I would imagine you to be... and as I would need you to be.

It started out as a feeling, 

Which then grew into a hope, 

Which then turned into a quiet thought, 

Which then turned into a quiet word...

~~~

I spoke to you in cautious tones, 

You answered me with no pretense; 

And still I feel I said too much--

My silence is my self-defense...

~~~

All you can do is try to know who your friends are 

As you head off to the war...

So thankful that Christ is my Shepherd, Rock, and Light. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never let go of my hand or turn His back on me. 

Loved with everlasting love, 

Led by grace that love to know; 

Spirit, breathing from above, 

Thou hast taught me it is so! 

Oh, this full and perfect peace! 

Oh, this transport all divine! 

In a love which cannot cease, 

I am His, and He is mine. 

~~~

O Love that wilt not let me go, 

I rest my weary soul in Thee; 

I give Thee back the life I owe, 

That in Thine ocean depths its flow 

May richer, fuller be.