Learning to be alone, and how to not be alone

My dear one, 

It's been a while since I could sit down and catch my breath, but you are ever in my thoughts even when this site is silent. One of my brothers wed last weekend. I had a very small part in the ceremony, providing the music. (I was thankful to avoid bridesmaid duty!)

Still finding it very hard to accept, and feeling like I've lost a brother. Only 20 months apart in age, we were always somewhat close - and in recent years, separated by the miles, we grew even closer. But since his relationship with his now-bride blossomed, I have barely been able to keep up with him. I've grown accustomed to losing friends when they marry, but this hole left by my brother's marriage is a new sorrow to deal with.

I find myself depending less and less on friends, growing more and more jaded by their lack of loyalty, and becoming more and more impatient at their petty antics. Which of course puts me on a very lonely track. I do of course seek out opportunities to be an encouragement to others, my students and my church family in particular, but I hunger for deeper relationships. But how? I lack confidence in my ability to be friendly! I'm always doubting that people even want to be around me, and I fear being a nuisance!

Eager for my parents to visit next month, I'm attempting to set up the "second bedroom" in my apartment, which up to this point has been the catch-all room. Buying a mattress set is next on the agenda! Once I have that room put together, I'll be able to think about the possibility of more hospitality opportunities, especially this summer.

There's a strange tension between enjoying the freedom of living alone and the hollow loneliness that is constantly hovering over me like a dark cloud. Am I creating irreparable damage by this solitary lifestyle? 

In the back of my mind is always the thought of how you, my dear one, would fit into my current life. In fact, there is one in my church/music/school sphere that I feel would fit right in quite comfortably. But I was reminding myself just this morning that I must not let my heart get ahead of God. I'd like to be able to just ignore this one and turn off that area of my thoughts completely. But part of me keeps asking God, "Maybe him, maybe soon, please?" All I am able to do is smile and stand still while God shows me His will. And continue praying for contentment, of course!

Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the spring weather, savoring the last bits of cool before the savage summer heat rolls in. The downtown area is particularly lovely this time of year, and I'd love to explore it more with you...

Waiting until such a day, 
Me :)