Intimidatingly independent?

My dear one, 

On more than one occasion, I've worried that you won't give me a second thought because I'm "too independent." That you won't give me the chance to share with you my heart regarding the role of a Christian wife. That you won't want someone who is highly educated, with a terminal degree and a career in academia, etc... 

Perhaps the reason I worry about all this is that most of the men I know are—as Shakespeare termed it—"lily-livered." If you are the kind of man I would hope you to be, you actually want a strong, capable, intelligent woman by your side for a companion through life's journey. Not some giggling, ditzy trophy-wife to stroke your ego. 

Strong doesn't have to mean stubborn; on the contrary, I believe it takes a greater strength to graciously submit to one's husband than it does to be an uncompromising shrew. Independent doesn't have to mean self-ruling or sovereign; rather, it can refer to a responsible individual who has learned to make hard decisions and "do hard things" rather than push them off on someone else. 

You will not complete me, and I cannot complete you. You and I are already both complete in Christ. But in God's time, by His will, and for His glory, He can unite our hearts and lives to accomplish together much more than we can on our own. 

Until then, I'll continue to be that "intimidatingly independent single girl," submitted to Christ and praying for you...

If you were here

My dear one, 

I imagine that if you were here, you'd accompany me on an evening run around the lake. Then you would sip a cup of tea and enjoy a bit of reading as I washed the supper dishes. In the background, this album would be serenading our evening. After I finished cleaning up the kitchen, perhaps you'd read a chapter of the Bible to me and we would pray together. 

You know what? All of that has still happened, just without you. I did go for a run, clean up the kitchen, drink a cup of tea, listen to music, read my Bible, and close the day in prayer. 

And perhaps if you had been here, none of that would have happened. 

But I'd still choose you over all the little special blessings of my current singleness. 

Still hoping, 

Your Evenstar

Hiking highs

My dear one,

On Friday I took my first truly solo hiking adventure, since my usual hiking buddy had a rehearsal. It was a wonderful time of meditation and prayer in God's beautiful creation! The fog was heavy as I started out on the first trail. Spring is just arriving at that altitude.

A beautiful little gazebo emerged from the fog. I must admit my first thought was: "This would be the perfect place for a marriage proposal."

I spied several different wildflowers, including dog-violet and trillium...

The second trail I began was quite rugged. Nervous about doing it on my own, I soon turned back.

The final trail took me through a balsam forest. The aroma of the balsams was intoxicating and the view at the summit exhilarating!

How much more exhilerating it would be to hike with you...!

Summer excitement

My dear one, 

As they say, the three best things about being a teacher are June, July, and August. 
(And for a college professor, that can be adjusted to May, June, and July.) 

I'm halfway through my first of 14 weeks of summer, and am already confident of it being a much more productive break than last summer. I've made a list of summer priorities, including goals for my spiritual life, music performance and professional development, health and fitness, finances, summer teaching, ministry opportunities, and traveling... and I'm officially excited! 

The only thing missing from that list is meeting you. Honestly, this summer would be a really good time if you want to show up... Look for me out on the hiking trails, in the concert halls, and exploring fun little restaurants downtown. 

All my love, 
Your Evenstar

Good hope through grace

My dear one, 

The exams are finished, the grades in, the regalia soon to be donned this afternoon. This time of year is a bittersweet mix of goodbyes, nostalgia, and relief. And I can't recall a year in which Commencement Day had more perfectly cool weather (given the fact that the southern sun and doctoral regalia typically conspire to overheat this exhausted professor).

I had a rather unsettling dream last night, in which I found renewed reason to hope. Why can't my subconscious let go of what my resolved heart has determined to forget? To be honest, the constant barrage of engagement announcements and wedding invitations isn't helping my frame of mind. I cried driving home last night as the weight of loneliness felt crushingly intense. 

What new experiences does this summer bring for you? Is your work wearisome? Are you praying for wisdom concerning hard decisions? Do you find yourself refreshed in the Lord? The words of 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 come to mind: 

Now our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, 

and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, 

and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, 

comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work.

I'm praying this for you, my dear one.

Your Evenstar

Now

My dear one, 

If ever I felt keenly your absence, 
wanted to share with you my hope and dreams, 
wondered what struggles you are facing, 
it is now. 

If ever I hoped that the traits you are known for 
are loyalty, 
humility, and courage, 
it is now.

If ever I wanted someone to cook for, 
snuggle with, 
and spoil in general, 
it is now.

If ever I sensed that you're praying for me, 
thinking about me, 
hoping to meet me, 
it is now.

Evening Prayer

Watch, O Lord, 

with those who wake, 

or watch or weep tonight, 

and give your angels charge 

over those who sleep. 

Tend your sick ones,

O Lord Jesus Christ; 

rest your weary ones; 

bless your dying ones; 

soothe your suffering ones; 

pity your afflicted ones; 

shield your joyous ones; 

and all for your love’s sake. 

Amen.

--St. Augustine (354–430)

I would live in your love...

I would live in your love as the sea-grasses live in the sea, 
Borne up by each wave as it passes, drawn down by each wave that recedes; 

I would empty my soul of the dreams that have gathered in me, 

I would beat with your heart as it beats, I would follow your soul as it leads. 

(Sarah Teasdale)

The confession of an honest soul

I'm crying over this aria today...

English translation of Onegin's first-act aria from Eugene Onegin: 

You wrote to me 

Do not deny it, I have read 

The confession of an honest soul, 

The claim of an innocent love 

Your sincerity is dear to me 

For it, I shall repay you 

By also telling the truth 

Straight as it is 

So accept this confession I submit myself to your judgement. 

Had I wished to limit my life with a burden of family, 

Had I been granted a good fortune to be a father or a husband, 

Then, having met you, I would look no further 

But I was not created for such indulgences 

My soul is not open to them, 

Your great qualities are wasted on me 

For I am not worthy of them, 

Believe me, in all honesty 

The marital life would be a torture for you, 

No matter how much love I had for you, 

The moment it becomes a habit, 

I would love you no more 

Then judge for yourself, then, what kind of roses 

Would Hymen have in store for us, 

And for how many long days. 

 

The dreams and years have fled away, and shall not return, 

I love you like a brother, yes a brother, 

And, perhaps, somewhat more tenderly than a brother would. 

 

So listen to me and have no angst 

Many times would a young maiden trade one passing dream 

For another one. 

(Translation by Stephen Ettinger)

A thankless job

My dear one, 

What a weekend it has been (the event I headed up for a statewide music organization). Without a doubt, the most challenging few days of my entire life... 

I don't even have the emotional strength to write about it all. Suffice it to say, I'm ready to get back into my "normal busy schedule." 

There's a saying: "If you want it done right, do it yourself." But in my experience this weekend, the saying should truly be: "If you want it done at all, you'll have to do it yourself, because no one is even remotely interested in helping you."

If you were here, I think I'd just bury my head in your shoulder and sob.

If you're out there, please pray for me. 

I feel more alone than ever.

Your Evenstar

Melancholic musings

My dear one, 

How thrilling it would have been to have you with me for the hike I undertook last Saturday. Pleasant conversation, perfect weather, panaromic views, personal records achieved!

I've gradually come to the sad realization that the one I had hoped to be you, my dear one, is not. It would be desperate and foolish of me to continue those hopes. It has been all too easy to become infatuated with someone of godly character who also happens to be a fine musician. Yet I need someone who is a strong leader, motivated, capable, articulate... Someone who not only demonstrates ability but also ambition... Someone who can be as comfortable on the hiking trail as he is in the concert hall... But could someone like that ever take notice of little ol' me?

A string of email declines to my requests for assistance within my organization have left me quite discouraged this week. Everyone claims to be "too busy to take on any more." And thus I find myself having to take on more and more.

My spring break is over, and I have five weeks remaining for the semester. April, for the past 15 years, has certainly been one of my busiest months. I want this April to be one in which I can find serenity within the eye of the storm.

My dear one, I've learned how to live without you. But that does not mean there is no place for you. I long to share in your joys and sorrows, be a helper to you in life, and strengthen your heart for the work God has for you to do. To that end I continue to pray for you, hard though it is to keep hoping against hope...

Your Evenstar

A fainting heart in need of courage

My dear one, 

A profitable Saturday... It started out with a short run around a lake before the sun warmed things up too much. Then I did some grocery shopping, sent out some emails regarding the statewide event I'm coordinating, and filed my tax return.

I end the day on a frustrated note, however, for I received a discouraging email from the VP of the organization I'm in. She basically notified me that she's bowing out of her responsibilities now, before her term is up, citing that she'd "rather focus on her business and spend time with her family... thanks for understanding." I confess I started to cry as I read those words, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I can't use family for an excuse for anything in life, and it's a punch to the gut when others use that excuse with me. And secondly, I've put so much time into this organization during my term as president, with little help and much agonizing. I literally made myself ill last month with the stress of planning this upcoming event. If I had any inkling that it was acceptable to bow out of one's duties prematurely, I would have thrown in the towel after year one. But here I am in the thick of my second year, counting the days until September when this is over.

Am I being selfish? I only took on this responsibility because I needed the experience for my professional curriculum vitae. I shouldn't be throwing this pity party. I just need someone to put an arm around me and offer some word of encouragement! I feel so, so alone.

At the lake this morning, I sat on a bench after my run and read through some treasured psalms. The Lord knew I'd need those words for today...

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

and my portion for ever.

Psalm 27:13-14
I had fainted, 

unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord: 

be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen thine heart: 

wait, I say, on the Lord.

My silence is my self-defense

My dear one, 

Why is it that there are so many small-minded, vain, insolent, deceitful, untrustworthy people, even in the supposedly Christian community? So much of the time I feel so very alone. I find myself wondering if you, the one I haven't met yet, could ever truly be as wise, prudent, honest, ambitious, and selfless as I would imagine you to be... and as I would need you to be.

It started out as a feeling, 

Which then grew into a hope, 

Which then turned into a quiet thought, 

Which then turned into a quiet word...

~~~

I spoke to you in cautious tones, 

You answered me with no pretense; 

And still I feel I said too much--

My silence is my self-defense...

~~~

All you can do is try to know who your friends are 

As you head off to the war...

So thankful that Christ is my Shepherd, Rock, and Light. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never let go of my hand or turn His back on me. 

Loved with everlasting love, 

Led by grace that love to know; 

Spirit, breathing from above, 

Thou hast taught me it is so! 

Oh, this full and perfect peace! 

Oh, this transport all divine! 

In a love which cannot cease, 

I am His, and He is mine. 

~~~

O Love that wilt not let me go, 

I rest my weary soul in Thee; 

I give Thee back the life I owe, 

That in Thine ocean depths its flow 

May richer, fuller be.

I would hope...

My dear one, 

When I work over in my mind the pros and cons of my singleness, it worries me to realize that my personality is very much suited to the unmarried life. 

With my need for solitude to recharge, could I get used to having you (and children) around all the time, or would you get on my nerves? I would hope that our marriage could be one in which you give me my needed space, while also helping me to overcome my selfishness.

With my tendency to carefully plan each day, would I be able to take in stride the arising needs that I am called to meet? I would hope that I could agree, with a smile on my face, to the hosting of unexpected dinner guests you brought home -- for if you shared with me your vision for our home being one of ready hospitality, I would learn to make provision in advance for unplanned opportunities.

With my love of performing and teaching, how successfully would I adjust to putting family first before personal/musical opportunities? I would hope that the quiet routines of homekeeping remain the desire of my heart, as they do even now amidst the busyness of my career responsibilities.

I see my own selfishness particularly clearly when it comes to matters of time -- the minutes and hours of my day. When a friend texts to inform me that a previously agreed-upon meeting time will not work and asks for an extra half-hour, hour, or two, my first response is to think to myself, "Well, if I had known that earlier, I could have slept in longer, or run three more errands, or cleaned the kitchen, or done a load of laundry!!!"

The longer we're apart, my dear one, the more difficult the adjustment to married life may be. It will be a process of ongoing sanctification, to be sure! But I value the leadership and wisdom you would bring to our marriage, and I pray for your growth in godly maturity even now.

Always, 
Your Evenstar

A weary teacher's musings

My dear one,

Thankful to be feeling back to normal after a very rough Sunday (either food poisoning or a stomach bug). Good friends stopped by after church to supply me with Jello, ginger ale, and apple juice. By some miracle, I had regained enough strength by Monday morning to fulfill my teaching responsibilities! And on this first day of March I enjoyed a beautiful morning walk before work.

I had a certain opera tune on repeat in my head (the tutti finale from Act I of Rossini's La Cenerentola) this evening, so I turned on FoxNews on my computer (I don't own a TV) to see what Super Tuesday election results were in yet. The news proved discouraging enough to turn off the news and turn to my Bach Brandenburg Concerto playlist. That will "cleanse the palate" of opera tunes and political harangue...

I've been worrying about one of my students lately. She refuses to show any emotion in her countenance, conversation, or musical performance. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, keeping everyone except her sisters at arms' length. She treats me like I'm poison... or maybe just dirt... no matter how much extra care and support and encouragement I give her. And I'm with her for an average of 6 hours a week, so it's taking a lot of special grace from the Lord to keep my heart in the right place! Most of all, I'm concerned for her spiritual condition. She professes to know Christ as Saviour, but she and her family show many symptoms of a certain cultish segment of fundamentalism known for its hypocrisy, fraud, abuse and misogyny. I've asked counsel from several of my colleagues, but most of all I need the same wisdom that Solomon found from the Lord! "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5). [And honestly, one very clear sign of the Lord's help came the very moment I found myself distracted from the writing of this paragraph -- when I drifted over to my Facebook newsfeed, a friend had just posted a very pertinent article from a wise pastor!]

Other than that, my main focus these days is a major statewide event coming up in five weeks. I will be so thankful when my term as president of this organization is completed this summer! I don't think I have an administrative bone in my body... But this is my second year at this, so hopefully I've learned something that can help make this event even more successful than the last!

I could only wish you were here to chat with me, share a smile, and learn how much I've prayed for you.

Until then, my dear one... 
Your Evenstar