From the journal of Ann Hasseltine

The following quotes are from the journal of Ann Hasseltine, who would later marry Adoniram Judson...

"Ever since I have had a comfortable hope in Christ, I have desired to devote myself to him in such a way as to be useful to my fellow-creatures. As Providence has placed me in a situation in life where I have an opportunity of getting as good an education as I desire, I feel it would be highly criminal in me not to improve it. I feel, also, that it would be equally criminal to desire to be well educated and accomplished, from selfish motives, with a view merely to gratify my taste and relish for improvement, or my pride in being qualified to shine. I therefore resolved last winter to attend the academy from no other motive than to improve the talents bestowed by God, so as to be more extensively devoted to his glory, and the benefit of my fellow-creatures."

"How much of heaven might Christians enjoy even here on earth in they would keep in view what ought to be their great object in life. If they would but make the enjoyment of God their main pursuit, how much more consistent their profession would be with their conduct, how much more useful their lives and how much more rapidly they would ripen for eternal glory."

Heidelberg Catechism Week 13

33. Q. Why is He called God's "only Son" when we also are God's children? A. Because Christ alone is the eternal, natural Son of God. We, however, are adopted children of God - adopted by grace through Christ.

34. Q. Why do you call Him "our Lord"? A. Because - not with gold or silver, but with His precious blood - he has set us free from sin and the tyranny of the devil, and has bought us, body and soul, to be His very own.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

Our natural condition in Adam is that we are "children of wrath and sons of disobedience" (Ephesians 2:2-3). But Galatians 4:4-5 explains our adoption in Christ: "When the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons." DeYoung summarizes this gospel truth: "The wrath of God has been turned away from sinners because of the death of Christ so that we might be reconciled to God and brought into His family."

DeYoung: "For Jesus to be called God's only Son means that He shares equally in divinity, glory, and honor with the Father."

Christ can claim lordship over our lives for four reasons:

• by right of creation (He made us)
• by right of redemption (He saved us)
• by reason of preservation (He keeps us)
• with respect to ordination and appointment (God has exalted Christ and placed all things in subjection under His feet)

A full heart

My dear one, 

My heart is full. I don't know that this letter can adequately convey what I'm feeling right now. Silent questions, whispered hopes, nagging doubts, imperceptible signs, crushing disappointments, guarded dreams, constant confusion...

I went to a recital wondering if someone in particular would be there. My heart skipped a beat when I spotted that person afar off. And I felt like I couldn't breathe when from my seat I turned my head to realize said person had sat down next to me.

I'm so afraid of where my heart is leading me. I've been pleading with the Lord to show me what to do. Obviously I can't really show my interest without clear indication from God that this someone is daring to notice me. And yet something tells me that this one would feel the same way, proceeding with extreme caution given the differences in our situations. Perhaps I'm speaking in riddles, but for good reason. One of the occasional themes of these letters applies right at this moment: specifically my dread that my position somehow disqualifies me from anyone's consideration.

May the Lord be tender with me and guide me safely through these confusing times. And may you be the one who is the recipient of a smile I hope to give at church tomorrow...

Waiting and praying,
Me

Learning to be alone, and how to not be alone

My dear one, 

It's been a while since I could sit down and catch my breath, but you are ever in my thoughts even when this site is silent. One of my brothers wed last weekend. I had a very small part in the ceremony, providing the music. (I was thankful to avoid bridesmaid duty!)

Still finding it very hard to accept, and feeling like I've lost a brother. Only 20 months apart in age, we were always somewhat close - and in recent years, separated by the miles, we grew even closer. But since his relationship with his now-bride blossomed, I have barely been able to keep up with him. I've grown accustomed to losing friends when they marry, but this hole left by my brother's marriage is a new sorrow to deal with.

I find myself depending less and less on friends, growing more and more jaded by their lack of loyalty, and becoming more and more impatient at their petty antics. Which of course puts me on a very lonely track. I do of course seek out opportunities to be an encouragement to others, my students and my church family in particular, but I hunger for deeper relationships. But how? I lack confidence in my ability to be friendly! I'm always doubting that people even want to be around me, and I fear being a nuisance!

Eager for my parents to visit next month, I'm attempting to set up the "second bedroom" in my apartment, which up to this point has been the catch-all room. Buying a mattress set is next on the agenda! Once I have that room put together, I'll be able to think about the possibility of more hospitality opportunities, especially this summer.

There's a strange tension between enjoying the freedom of living alone and the hollow loneliness that is constantly hovering over me like a dark cloud. Am I creating irreparable damage by this solitary lifestyle? 

In the back of my mind is always the thought of how you, my dear one, would fit into my current life. In fact, there is one in my church/music/school sphere that I feel would fit right in quite comfortably. But I was reminding myself just this morning that I must not let my heart get ahead of God. I'd like to be able to just ignore this one and turn off that area of my thoughts completely. But part of me keeps asking God, "Maybe him, maybe soon, please?" All I am able to do is smile and stand still while God shows me His will. And continue praying for contentment, of course!

Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the spring weather, savoring the last bits of cool before the savage summer heat rolls in. The downtown area is particularly lovely this time of year, and I'd love to explore it more with you...

Waiting until such a day, 
Me :)

Heidelberg Catechism Week 12

31. Q. Why is He called "Christ," meaning "Anointed"? A. Because He has been ordained by God the Father and has been anointed with the Holy Spirit to be our chief prophet and teacher who perfectly reveals to us the secret counsel and will of God for our deliverance; our only high priest who has set us free by the one sacrifice of His body and who continually pleads our cause with the Father; and our eternal king who governs us by His Word and Spirit, and who guards us and keeps us in the freedom He has won for us.

32. Q. But why are you called a Christian? A. Because by faith I am a member of Christ and so I share in His anointing. I am anointed to confess His name, to present myself to Him as a living sacrifice of thanks, to strive with a good conscience against sin and the devil in this life, and afterward to reign with Christ over all creation for all eternity.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

Christ was anointed to three offices, those of prophet, priest, and king. 

Prophet... 

"[Christ] is the one and only who makes known the Father (John 1:18) and revels the exact nature of God. As a prophet Christ came to show us the way and declare the will of God... [and] to fulfill it, and He laid down His life, not just an example of the way of God but as the way to God."

Priest...

"The only priest we need is Jesus Christ because His sacrifice on the cross was the end of the sacrificial system. High priests served two related functions - making atonement and making intercession for the people - both of which are accomplished for us in Christ. Christ died for us (once for all, never to die again), and Christ prays for us (continually and repeatedly)."

King... 

"As a king, Christ does two things: He governs and guards... Christ governs us by Word, to give us a propositional revelation of His will and an objective set of external truths, and by Spirit, to give us a subjective experience of His presence and the inner power to obey... He will not let us fall to the Devil (not ultimately), and He will not let us offer ourselves again to the world's bondage (not finally). He loves us and the freedom He purchased on our behalf."

The 32nd question/answer uses the same language to describe our role as Christians: "As little Christs, ordained by the same Father and anointed by the same Spirit, we are to fulfill, in a lesser way, the same offices as our namesake. We confess His name like good prophets, present ourselves as living sacrifices like good priests, and fight our mutual enemies and reign in joint dominion like good kings."

Psalm 60

Photo by Jean Guichard

Verses 1 & 4 -- 
    O God, you have rejected us, broken our defenses;
        you have been angry; oh, restore us...
   You have set up a banner for those who fear you,
        that they may flee to it from the bow. Selah

The Lord's people experience the full gamut of emotions, from desperation to hope. It is right for us to call out, "O, restore us!" when we feel that God has rejected us, broken us down, turned away from us in anger. Those times are a wake-up call for us to realize that in our own "strength," we are weak, sinful, foolish. But with Christ as our banner, our battle standard, our refuge from the ongoing conflict between flesh and spirit.


...Just my reflections for a Tuesday morning!


"In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus!"

Chameleons

My dear one, 

It's a cold, rainy Monday, yet my spirits are inexplicably high, "against all hope, believing in hope." And I can't stop listening to this exuberant anthem. It has been stuck in my head all weekend.

The Lord's Day was a great refreshment and encouragement to me spiritually. I spent Sunday afternoon in the kitchen, preparing for the evening college dinner a casserole and the pumpkin muffins that invariably disappear almost as soon as I set them out on the food tables. I sat down to join some of the others that had brought food for the young people. In the ensuing conversation, I observed in myself the phenomenon that occurs perhaps too frequently -- that of showing others only a part of who I am. With some professional colleagues I hide my quiet, simple, domestic bent. With certain friends I attempt to dismiss my doctorate and career track altogether. And with others, I inadvertently put on a super-cheery act to try to win them over. Which is the real me? Why do I wish myself to be younger when with some people, and attempt to be more mature with others? Even with my own immediate family, I don't bare my heart and soul. I feel like only the Lord can really know and accept me for who I am. But I think this is a fault I need to correct. My fear of being vulnerable must be replaced by a love for others. My chameleon-like behavior reveals the tendency I have to think too often and too much of myself. And that is, simply put, pride. I must take the words of C. S. Lewis to heart: "True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less."

Sweetheart, you'll have to be patient with me. It may take me a while to truly be open with you about who I am deep down. These letters are a good exercise for me in the meantime.

Waiting for you, 
Me

Psalm 61

My dear one,

So, it's been pretty slow going with this Psalms project. Perhaps part of me is being a little bit superstitious - after all, I did say upon commencing this series, "What if I used the psalms as a countdown right now, starting with Psalm 150 and believing that the Lord would bring you into my life before I reach Psalm 1?" (...As if by procrastinating through the countdown I can "give you more time"?!) I really should let that idea go, by the way. But the series shall continue. Tonight I read the beautiful 61st Psalm.

Verses 1-3...
    Hear my cry, O God,
        listen to my prayer;
    from the end of the earth I call to You
        when my heart is faint.
    Lead me to the Rock
        that is higher than I,
    for You have been my refuge,
        a strong tower against the enemy.

When I was in college, we used to sing these verses in Sunday School. I've never been able to find the source of the version we sang, until running across a rendition on YouTube. We didn't sing with nearly as much "soul," let alone for 13 entire minutes, ha! But the text really stuck with me because of the melody to which we set the words. I'm happy to be in a church now that regularly sings from the psalter section in the back of our hymnal to help me become better acquainted with even more psalms.

Heidelberg Catechism Week 11

29. Q. Why is the Son of God called "Jesus," meaning "Savior"? A. Because He saves us from our sins. Salvation cannot be found in anyone else; it is futile to look for any salvation elsewhere.

30. Q. Do those who look for their salvation and security in saints, in themselves, or elsewhere really believe in the only Savior Jesus? A. No. Although they boast of being His, be their deeds they deny the only Savior and deliverer, Jesus. Either Jesus is not a perfect Savior, or those who in true faith accept their Savior have in Him all they need for their salvation.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

Jesus - what richness in that name. He and He alone saves His people from their sins (Matt. 1:21)! Why would anyone consider turning elsewhere? I shed tears over the persistence of my friend in relying on her prayers to the saints, believing that they can help her in a way that Jesus can't. She cannot see Jesus as the one true Savior. She doesn't see the need for a Savior, for that matter, since in her version of religion everyone is going to heaven.

Kevin DeYoung: "You cannot trust Christ truly unless you trust Christ alone. No matter how much you boast of Christ or talk of your love for Christ or passion for Christ, if you add anything to Christ, your boasting and love and passion are all in vain. There is no 'both-and' with Jesus, only 'either-or.' Either Jesus is the only Savior, the perfect Savior, and your only comfort in life and in death, or Jesus is for you no Savior at all."

Psalm 62

Verse 5...
    For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
        for my hope is from Him.

I take the following thoughts from a sermon by C. H. Spurgeon, preached at the age of 23:

"My soul, make God thine only object of life - the summit of thy desires and the object of thine exertions. Have no care but to please God. Make God thine only dependence, and never trust in anything else. Make God thine only guide and confidence. Wait thou only upon God for protection in times of danger." 

"The Psalmist charges his soul to wait only upon God, because he had no expectation anywhere else but there."

Do I make these same exhortations to my soul on a regular basis? Or do I place my expectations in other, inferior sources, forsaking the spring of living water for a broken cistern that can hold no water? 

Important and timely thoughts for me...
 

Spurgeon preaching at the Music Hall
at the Royal Surrey Gardens

Thoughts about my thoughts

My dear one, 

It was so good to come home early today, the final lesson of the day being canceled. To step into my clean apartment, kick off my shoes (note, you'll never find me wearing shoes inside my home), turn on some Rachmaninoff, and make some tea was a needed "breather." The beautiful flowers from my student still sit on my table, bringing some extra cheeriness to my small living room.

Lately I have been striving to fill my mind with thoughts of Christ, especially as I find myself unwittingly and increasingly attracted to a particular individual. Instead of "hoping against hope," I keep reminding myself that only Christ can truly satisfy. My stewings, schemings, pinings, and daydreamings will never give me contentment or resolve the deepest problems I face. Only my dear Saviour can still my heart, comfort my loneliness, quench my thirst, and grant peace to my soul. I sing the words to myself, over and over, "In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus. And when I am alone, give me Jesus. And when I come to die, give me Jesus. You may have all this world, give me Jesus" (two of my favorite renditions here and here).

I am re-reading a precious, precious book that I would strongly recommend to any Christian: Octavius Winslow's The Fullness of Christ. If I attempted to select a few favorite quotes from this work, I'd end up copying practically the entirety, but here is just one tiny gem for this afternoon:

"I believe that no individual knows what true happiness or real joy is until he knows Christ; and that no individual really enjoys God's temporal blessings, the beauties of creation, the marvelous works of His hands, until his spiritual eye has been opened; and then that new-created soul sees more glory in the works of God, more beauty in nature, more wonder in the marvelous operations of God's hands, than the most profound philosopher with the film of spiritual darkness still on his mental eye. The man who has not an eye, a spiritual eye, to see the beauties of revelation, the glory of Christ, and the kingdom of God, has a veil on his soul, and cannot trace, admire, and adore the wisdom and power, goodness and beauty of God, even in nature."

And so as I listen to beautiful piano music serenading my humble abode, smile at the gift of blooming flowers on my table, close my eyes and sip the soothing hot tea from my mug, I am reminded that God's greatest gift to me is Christ. That will always be a constant, no matter what other comforts, hopes, and enjoyments are removed or denied from my earthly life.

If my heart skips a beat when a certain someone smiles at me, how much more should I be affected by the knowledge that Christ looks at me with infinite tenderness and love! I may thrill to hear the musicality of a talented pianist, but more glorious is the sound of the Lord "rejoicing over me with singing" (Zeph. 3:17). I perhaps look for opportunities to talk to someone and get to know that person, but do I do the same with my Father who delights to show me more about Himself in His Word and who delights to hear my voice in earnest prayer to Him?

My dear one, don't look to me to satisfy your deepest needs. We both need Christ above all, and by seeking Him we both, separate yet together, will be pursuing the best He has to offer.

O Christ, in Thee my soul hath found,
And found in Thee alone,
The peace, the joy I sought so long,
The bliss till now unknown.

Refrain:
Now none but Christ can satisfy,
None other name for me;
There's love, and life, and lasting joy,
Lord Jesus, found in Thee.

I sighed for rest and happiness,
I yearned for them, not Thee;
But while I passed my Saviour by,
His love laid hold on me.

I tried the broken cisterns, Lord,
But ah! the waters failed!
E'en as I stooped to drink they'd fled,
And mocked me as I wailed.

The pleasures lost I sadly mourned,
But never wept for Thee,
Till grace the sightless eyes received,
Thy loveliness to see. 

(Frances Bevan)

Whew...

My dear one, 

The days and weeks seem to be flying by so fast as to be treacherous, not unlike some of those events in the recent Winter Olympics. The recent two-week period was an especially hectic time, for I had to juggle not only a recital of student chamber ensembles but also a concert for which an out-of-town colleague flew in to collaborate with me. I do wish you could have been there for our concert. I was a bit flattered by some of the comments I received, but none could be as welcome as yours.

Just week ago, I was welcomed into the membership of the church I have called home since July of last year. I couldn't ask for a better "family," and am becoming more and more involved in the various aspects of church life. Often I whisper the prayer that I might find you there. More than once I have wondered if I have. I can say no more, for it is not up to me, and the odds are stacked against me.

O Lord, protect my heart... 

And my dear one, please reveal yourself to me soon. Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the intensity of my heart's cries.

Feeling so foolish these days. Pardon my silence. Still praying for you, my love.

Heidelberg Catechism Week 10

27. Q. What do you understand by the providence of God? A. Providence is the almighty and ever present power of God by which He upholds, as with His hand, heaven and earth and all creatures, and so rules them that leaf and blade, rain and drought, fruitful and lean years, food and drink, health and sickness, prosperity and poverty - all things, in fact, come to us not by chance but from His fatherly hand.

28. Q. How does the knowledge of God's creation and providence help us? A. We can be patient when things go against us, thankful when things go well, and for the future we can have good confidence in our faithful God and Father that nothing will separate us from His love. All creatures are so completely in His hand that without His will they can neither move nor be moved.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

This chapter is one I will definitely be marking to return to again and again.

"If God is the creator of all things and truly almighty, then He must continue to be almighty over all that He has created. And if God is a Father, then surely He exercises His authority over His creation and creatures for the good of His beloved children... There are no accidents in your life. Every economic downturn, every phone call in the middle of the night, every oncology report has been sent to us from the God who sees all things, plans all things, and loves us more than we know."

I cry over these words tonight, for I am struggling in a new yet familiar way. I pray to my Heavenly Father, pleading for wisdom and grace, longing to believe that His will for my life is indeed better than anything I could attempt to devise.

Heidelberg Catechism Week 9

26. Q. What do you believe when you say, "I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth"? A. That the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who out of nothing created heaven and earth and everything in them, who still upholds and rules them by His eternal counsel and providence, is my God and Father because of Christ His Son. I trust Him so much that I do not doubt He will provide whatever I need for body and soul, and He will turn to my good whatever adversity He sends me in this sad world. He is able to do this because He is almighty God; He desires to do this because He is a faithful Father.

My reflections on the reading from the book...

Kevin DeYoung highlights seven "theological points" connected to this portion of the Apostles' Creed:

1. Our heavenly Father is the eternal Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
2. God created the world ex nihilo, which is Latin for "out of nothing."
3. The same God who created the universe out of nothing still upholds and rules His creation by His counsel and providence.
4. This creator of the universe is my God and Father.
5. God is my Father because of Christ, His Son.
6. Therefore, we do not doubt His provision.
7. He will turn to good whatever adversity He sends me.

In a recent conversation with a friend, the topic of "the universal fatherhood of God" arose. This friend believes that everyone on the face of the earth is a child of God and has God living in him or her. But if that were true, what need have we for Christ??? DeYoung brings up the truth of Romans 8:15 ... it is only by virtue of Christ's death and resurrection we can receive "the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, 'Abba! Father!'"

Trusting where I cannot understand

From the Streams in the Desert devotional reading for March 1...

"Consider the work of God: for who can make that straight, which He hath made crooked?" (Eccl. 7:13)

Often God seems to place His children in positions of profound difficulty, leading them into a wedge from which there is no escape; contriving a situation which no human judgment would have permitted, had it been previously consulted. The very cloud conducts them thither. You may be thus at this very hour.

It does seem perplexing and very serious to the last degree, but it is perfectly right. The issue will more than justify Him who has brought you hither. It is a platform for the display of His almighty grace and power.

He will not only deliver you; but in doing so, He will give you a lesson that you will never forget, and to which, in many a psalm and song in after days, you will revert. You will never be able to thank God enough for having done just as He has. --Selected

"We may wait till He explains,
Because we know that Jesus reigns."

It puzzles me; but, Lord, Thou understandest,
And wilt one day explain this crooked thing.
Meanwhile, I know that it has worked out Thy best--
Its very crookedness taught me to cling.

Thou hast fenced up my ways, made my paths crooked,
To keep my wand'ring eyes fixed on Thee;
To make me what I was not, humble, patient;
To draw my heart from earthly love to Thee.

So I will thank and praise Thee for this puzzle,
And trust where I cannot understand.
Rejoicing Thou dost hold me worth such testing,
I cling the closer to Thy guiding hand.
--F. E. M. I.