Thoughts for a New Year's Eve

My dear one,

The new year is moments away, and thoughts of you fill my mind while I am serenaded by the tick-tock of a real grandfather clock which stands tall and imposing next to my cozy chair. Perhaps this clock will one day stand in our home.

Time is such a slippery fellow, racing fast when I'd like to stop and savor each second, and plodding along when I'd rather sprint through the undesirable parts. This year has been a hard one, and I will be glad to see it go. I am blessed to have a good job, but I long for more of a life outside of a "career." I hunger for relationship, family, home. I call out to God, "How long?" Sometimes I'm ready to say, "That's it, no more letters. God's plan for me is a life of loneliness." But then some small spark of hope rekindles the fire and I can almost see you standing there, waiting for the Lord to give His nod of approval before you walk toward me.


“Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed,
for I am your God.
I will strengthen you,
I will help you,
I will uphold you with
My victorious right hand.”

These words from Isaiah 41:10 popped up as my Bible app's "verse of the day," and how poignant these words are this evening! I can rest in God's presence promised for this new year. His comforting words bring a message of grace for my role as His handmaiden, and His words of strength give me courage in my vocation as His ambassador. Assured of His faithfulness, I look to the year ahead with confidence and expectant hope. Yes, there will be many difficult days, but His grace is sufficient.

What will 2014 hold? Will this be the year I finally meet you? Will this be the year in which you take my hand in yours for a stroll along the river path? Will it be the year in which I grow completely giddy over a bouquet of flowers from you? Will it be the year in which you teach me to ice skate? Will this be the year I whisper in your ear just to be close to you? Will this be the year that I finally put up with flirting because it has been saved for me all these years? 

Sweetheart, you will have to put up with a lot when you see for yourself that I'm what they call an "old soul." I was born too late - this 21st century is not where I belong. Please don't think me too old-fashioned! I find old churches inviting, suspenders and cuff links appealing, hand-written letters romantic, the aroma of freshly-baked bread intoxicating, the adventure of a camping trip invigorating, classic poetry captivating, fireside chats alluring, and sitting on the porch "for a spell" mandatory. Today I joined my family on an excursion to a historic hotel in the next town. We enjoyed its noontime buffet, with live piano music and plenteous Christmas decorations. As I listened to the strains of "As Time Goes By" and savored my slice of cheesecake, I found myself wishing you were seated next to me at the table. One day I will take you there.
 
My unknown darling, may this coming year be marked by joy, grace, and courage in our lives, as the Lord prepares us for one another! As the old year slips away into the darkness, imagine my hand reaching out to clasp yours as I lean in for a kiss. And remember you don't have to take down the Christmas tree yet -- after all,there are 12 days of Christmas, right?

Ever yours,
Me

In God's time

My dear one,

I thought I had might have met you once upon a time. There was a young man (a few years younger than I, to be honest), who was godly, intelligent, respectful... a diligent student, and a kind son and brother! I knew his family before I really knew him. The father hinted several times that I would be the "right kind of girl for his son," but nothing ever developed. I waited and prayed for several years, and I cried when I received his wedding announcement. But God makes no mistakes. He has us (you and me) in this prolonged time of waiting until the right time for our relationship to blossom. 

There are several single guys in my circle of friends right now, but none that I want pursuing me. Sometimes I'm afraid of being mean, especially when guys are genuinely respectable and mature. But I'm waiting for you to come into my life! I will know you when I see you, I'm sure of it. Your godly wisdom, confidence, and eloquence will no doubt make me feel unworthy of your attention. But your humility, sensitivity, and selflessness will reassure me and make me comfortable in your presence. I will be nervous but eager to introduce you to my friends and family. 

Tears spring to my eyes even now as I wonder if and when God will give me such a man. Yet I must never place you as an idol above the Lord. Only He can supply what my soul craves. Only He brings true satisfaction. Only He is worthy of my worship. May our love for one another and our gospel focus bring Him all the glory due to His Name! Soli Deo gloria!

I will continue in service to the King while I wait for you!

Sleep well, sweetheart.

Sunday afternoon greetings

My dear one, 

On this rainy Sunday afternoon, I send you my love. I trust you have been refreshed by gospel-saturated preaching today. I hope your brothers and sisters in Christ have been edifying and encouraging to you. 

I wonder if you have to spend the afternoon alone or if friends have opened their home to you for dinner and fellowship. One day you and I will be the ones exercising warm hospitality to others. 

If you are discouraged, lonely, frustrated today, please know that you are in my prayers. May the Lord lead you to cool refreshing streams in His Word, may He equip you with weapons for your battles, may He provide you with comfort and peace today and always. And may He lead you to my waiting arms soon. 

Yours even now, 

Me

New year, new book

My dear one, 

The new year is almost upon us. I love new beginnings. As a child I always eagerly anticipated a new school year, with its new notebooks, new pencils, and new textbooks. As a teenager I would often rearrange the furniture in my bedroom for a fresh take on decorating. This past summer I was so happy to move into my new apartment where I could implement changes that were on my mind for quite some time. And looking ahead to the new calendar year, I find myself with fresh resolve as I consider my priorities, goals, and wishes.

In addition to a few health/fitness goals, I have also made some financial decisions and am giving myself the challenge of memorizing Ephesians. I'll recycle my yearly goal of reading 50 books (roughly one a week), one of which I'm particularly excited to begin! The Good News We Almost Forgot is a study of the Heidelberg Catechism.

My first exposure to this historic catechism came when I was studying the theology of J. S. Bach, in a book called "My Only Comfort," the title itself taken from the first catechism question. The catechism follows the pattern of salvation as laid out in the Letter to the Romans - man's misery (guilt), man's deliverance (grace), and man's response (gratitude) - and is structured around the church year with 52 weekly portions. So I'll read the book at that slow pace in which I can absorb the rich truths of this historic catechism.

DeYoung writes at the beginning of this commentary, "All of us - kids and adults - can have our faith strengthened, our knowledge broadened, and our love for Jesus deepened by devoting ourselves to reading rich truth like the kind found in the Heidelberg Catechism."

“I wrote this book,” he continues, "so that others might be drawn into the same gospel ocean that has refreshed me. The gospel summarized in the Heidelberg Catechism is glorious, its Christ gracious, its comfort rich, its Spirit strong, its God sovereign, and its truth timeless. You can meet Christ here, if you will simply come and see."

Will you join me on this journey through the Heidelberg Catechism in 2014?

Growing together, not apart

My dear one, 

I find it incredibly sad when a husband and wife divorce, claiming to have "grown apart." How can that be, unless they were never one in the first place? I view marriage as a sacred covenant before God, and also as a miraculous blessing given by God -- the two become one. To "grow apart" would be like an arm tearing itself away from the body, claiming it needed "space." Divorce is a word that should not be uttered or even thought by a husband and wife, any more than the ending of a life should be considered an option.

Yes, it is true that I have lived independently for some time now, but that does not mean that I would want that same independence or space within my marriage. I've always thought it to be a dangerous thing for a couple to have "his and hers" bank accounts, for instance. My darling, in our marriage, we must live as one, with unity of purpose and goals. There can be no competition of priorities, such as I see on these "house-hunting" TV shows where the husband and wife are looking for two completely different homes. As your wife, it would be my aim to support your decisions, goals, and ambitions, contributing my own assets to strengthen you but never to be in competition against you. 

I am not one to shy away from or diminish the words of Ephesians 5:22-23... "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church..." This may sound like a strange confession, but I long for someone to whom I can submit. I need someone I can trust, love, and yes, even spoil. If you have my trust, which is something I do not give hastily, you will have my loyalty. 

Sweetheart, I want to be valuable to you. I want you to need me and pray that you will never feel like I am pulling you down. If you are growing in a particular area, it would be my desire to grow with you, not apart from you. We must be students of each other, desiring to achieve unity of purpose. And most importantly, we must be students of Christ, for as we set Him before us and press on toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God, we can't help but grow closer together!

All my love, 

Me

Random thoughts

Last night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned and lay there composing this letter in my head...

My dear one,

I saw a commercial today for Match.com. Every now and then I half-consider those online dating sites, but being quite skeptical of the member profiles' truthfulness (not to mention worthiness), I'd never sign on to something like that. Desperate people are the ones who end up resorting to those sites, and I would never want to come across as desperate (even if I do feel so on occasion). And if a guy appears to be desperate I tend to run the other way. Also, I would not want to begin a relationship with someone when the only information I have to go on is what he chooses to reveal about himself. That's just kinda creepy... How do I know if there's something important he's not telling me? I want to know how he treats his family, how he is respected in his church and community, etc.

But let's just say I found the perfect guy online and wanted to introduce him to my family and friends. How on earth would I admit that I had fallen prey to a dating site? Embarrassing...

I do often wonder if you, my dear one, will one day read these words before knowing me in real life, and want to get to know me based solely on these letters. I don't consider that to be outside the realm of possibility, and would cross that bridge if I ever came to it. But for now these letters remain a hidden little piece of the blogosphere and I'm okay with that. I think letters are sadly dying element of romance, and of culture in general, and I like to imagine that you and I two old souls, corresponding simultaneously and keeping the art alive.

If my someone is out there, what would I want him to know about me?

Foremost, I am a sinner saved by God's grace through faith in Christ, who is my Righteousness, my Refuge, my reason for living. I grew up in a Christian home and placed my faith in Christ at a very early age, but for many years had a warped view of my role as God's child. I felt that my outward behavior, my "performance" as a moral person, would earn me God's approval, favor, and blessings. My shortcomings constantly made me believe that I had to "work harder" at being a better Christian, and unfortunately these ideas were reinforced by well-meaning preachers and teachers who too misunderstood (and underestimated) God's grace. While in grad school, I sat under the preaching of a humble, intelligent man who ignited in me a hunger for deeper study of God's Word, and I came to embrace the doctrines of grace through his ministry of the Word.

My early musical training from my mother, and then with private teachers, blossomed into a undergraduate degree in music education, master's degree in performance, and finally a job as a university professor. Most recently, the completion of a doctorate in my field, while gaining additional orchestral experience, sealed my fate, so to speak. Yet I still cringe when people, attempting to ingratiate themselves to me, bestow the title of "doctor" on me at the most awkward times. (Just this morning, while jogging around the area where my parents and grandparents live, some well-meaning couple who apparently know who I am, joked loudly, "We'd better watch out, the doctor is on her run." I'm sorry, but I find that completely unnecessary. Here I am a daughter, not a doctor.)

I am a thinker, quiet and introspective (sometimes to a fault). I am a true introvert but hide it well enough that my acquaintances have no idea. As a musician I am completely comfortable being on stage, save for the adrenaline (aka "nerves") common to all performers. I communicate most easily in written word, but love a deep one-on-one conversation with a trusted friend. I'm more comfortable in a cozy little coffee shop where I can actually hear myself think than in a noisy  restaurant where everyone is yelling to be heard.

I have a constant desire to please everyone around me, which can sometimes backfire or bring frustration. I'm always wondering what people are thinking, and would hate for them to feel uncomfortable or think ill of me, and thus I hesitate to push myself into social situations without being asked or invited. But yet I love to have people in my home, though I know I'm no Martha-Stewart "perfect hostess." It's so much more fulfilling to cook for others than merely preparing enough food to fill my single plate! Several times a month I contribute a couple of dishes for the weekly Sunday evening college student dinner at my church. Who knows, maybe I'll meet you at one of those dinners.

I surprise most people when they find out what an enthusiastic football fan I am. It just so happened that I chose a big SEC school for my doctoral degree, and it was then that I caught the college football fever. But I grew up rooting for a local NFL team, and now occasionally catch RedZone on my computer on a lazy Sunday afternoon. (According to my dad, who has met the parents of Scott Hanson, the RedZone host, Scott is a Christian ... and single, never having found the right girl. Hmmm...)

My dream home would include a fireplace, porch, plenty of space for hosting parties, a big kitchen, and ample space for children. I am not one for a lot of clutter and knick-knacks, but I do have a weakness for books. I'd love to have a library with built-in bookshelves from floor to ceiling! I'm confident that you and I could provide a much higher quality education for our children by allowing them to study at home rather than "going to school." I have recently come to admire and appreciate the classical approach to education, and could see myself implementing such a system in our family. I have a tender place in my heart for adoption, and have often wondered if the Lord would call me to such a ministry if I were married.

Enough for now. Someday you will find out even more about me. But for the present, just know that I am waiting for you, praying for you every day. I thank the Lord that you are being faithful to me even now as you wait for me to come in to your life. Stay strong, my sweetheart.

Waiting, 
Me

Home with family

I wrote this last night, with no wifi to post it then...

My dear one,

All is quiet this evening (finally) as I say my goodnights to the family and retreat to the guest room. It is a welcome hideout after another day of nonstop activity and noise. The voice level often borders on shouting, partly due to opinions being asserted, and partly because several of the group are hard of hearing. Also, I am not used to having a television intruding my life, so its insistent messages of materialism and selfish pursuits have been a shock to my system (particularly my eardrums).

It truly is challenging for me to step back into the role of daughter-at-home during these family times, having changed significantly from how my parents and grandparents once knew me to be. It surprises even myself when I realize how differently I think, behave, and even eat, compared to 5, 10, 15 years ago. I've grown to develop certain views, interests, and beliefs that I never held while living at home. Though nothing rebellious or shockingly repulsive to my family, the changes in my habits distance me from my family to a small degree. Particulars, you may ask? Well, I tend to be more careful about food matters, limiting processed foods and seeking out organic produce and quality meat. I had to ask my mother to unplug her electric air freshener units because the chemical "fragrances" were causing me to develop a sore throat. And then there's the church issue -- my parents are quite understanding, though admittedly disappointed, that I am no longer a member of an "independent fundamental Baptist church." I never could have predicted my interest in theology, let alone my transition to reformed theology and Presbyterianism.

It's only been in the last few years that I've come to own my personality, style, and interests. Of course it was no surprise that my education and vocation focused on music, but beyond that I merely drifted along with the family flow for my first couple of decades. It took nine years to drum up the courage to call myself a Presbyterian. I am the first in my family to have a doctorate, let alone a master's degree. I didn't know what minimalism was until about five years ago, though now I can see that I've always gravitated towards it.

All this to say, I can recognize that being on my own and single has been good for my personal growth. I feel so much more ready to meet you, my dear one, than I would have been 10 years ago.

But I am still a sister, daughter, and granddaughter, and I love my family dearly, therefore I willingly come home and love on them as often as I can! I could not ask for a better family. Thank You, Lord.

I wonder when I'll be able to introduce you to my family!
Waiting for you, darling!
 
All my love,
Me

Merry Christmas, darling!

Greeting cards have all been sent,
The Christmas rush is through;
But I still have one wish to make,
A special one for you:

Merry Christmas, darling!
We’re apart, that’s true,
But I can dream and in my dreams
I’m Christmas-ing with you.

Holidays are joyful,
There’s always something new;
But every day’s a holiday
When I’m near to you.
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see,
I wish it every day.
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year too!
I’ve just one wish
On this Christmas Eve:
I wish I were with you!

 Merry Christmas, darling!

My dear one, 

Sometimes I feel like standing under some mistletoe and just waiting to see who notices. I long for the day when you and I share that first mistletoe kiss.

This Christmas Eve I am with my family. I miss the wintery regions where I grew up, where we could watch the snow falling and tromp around in snow boots to bring Christmas carols to our church's shut-ins. Instead, one of my brothers and I played our instruments for the residents of the assisted living facility where he and my mom work. 

We never had "real" Christmas traditions as a family. No family gift exchanges, no tree adorned with sentimental ornaments. Just a nice family dinner, with some Christmas music playing on the stereo system. Perhaps the lack of traditions is what has prompted me to be so enthusiastic about decorating my own apartment, sending Christmas cards, and similar activities characteristic of the Christmas season. But ironically, I have to leave that all behind and travel to the hot climate where the only trees decorated in the neighborhood are a few scraggly palm trees. It's either that or spend the holiday alone in another state, so I'll take family over solitude! My heart is still restless though, because something is missing. You are missing! Won't it be wonderful to establish our own special Christmas traditions?

Merry Christmas, darling. Look for me under the mistletoe...

Another favorite Christmas hymn

All my heart this night rejoices,
As I hear, far and near, sweetest angel voices;
"Christ is born," their choirs are singing,
Till the air, everywhere, now their joy is ringing.

Forth today the Conqueror goeth,
Who the foe, sin and woe, death and hell, o'erthroweth.
God is man, man to deliver;
His dear Son now is one with our blood forever.

Shall we still dread God's displeasure,
Who, to save, freely gave His most cherished Treasure?
To redeem us, He hath given
His own Son from the throne of His might in Heaven.

Should He who Himself imparted
Aught withhold from the fold, leave us broken hearted?
Should the Son of God not love us,
Who, to cheer sufferers here, left His throne above us?

If our blessed Lord and Maker
Hated men, would He then be of flesh partaker?
If He in our woe delighted,
Would He bear all the care of our race benighted?

He becomes the Lamb that taketh
Sin away and for aye full atonement maketh.
For our life His own He tenders
And our race, by His grace, meet for glory renders.

For it dawns, the promised morrow
Of His birth, Who the earth rescues from her sorrow.
God to wear our form descendeth;
Of His grace to our race here His Son He sendeth.

Hark! a voice from yonder manger,
Soft and sweet, doth entreat, "Flee from woe and danger;
Brethren, come; from all that grieves you
You are freed; all you need I will surely give you."

Come, then, let us hasten yonder;
Here let all, great and small, kneel in awe and wonder,
Love Him Who with love is yearning;
Hail the star that from far bright with hope is burning.

Blessed Savior, let me find Thee!
Keep Thou me close to Thee, cast me not behind Thee!
Life of life, my heart Thou stillest,
Calm I rest on Thy breast, all this void Thou fillest.

Thee, dear Lord, with heed I'll cherish;
Live to Thee and with Thee, dying, shall not perish;
But shall dwell with Thee for ever,
Far on high, in the joy that can alter never.

Written in 1653 by Paul Gerhardt (1607-1676)
Translated by Catherine Winkworth (1827-1878)

Christmastime is Here...

My dear one, 

This first day of Christmas break began with an uncomfortable headache for which I was resolved to avoid taking my customary ibuprofen. My attempts to combat the pain with peppermint essential oil and drinking lots of water were unsuccessful, and by the time I gave up and took some pills I was so nauseated that I couldn't even keep them down. By eveningtime, though still with no appetite, I was feeling well enough to attend a concert featuring a local professional choral group. Afterwards I strolled through the beautifully decorated Main St. downtown, enjoying the lights strung in the trees and the festive storefront windows. I now relax here back at home with a warm afghan wrapped around my shoulders. My steaming mug of spiced cider sits beside me and the strains of John Rutter Christmas carols fill my apartment. I have written up my to-do list for tomorrow's last-minute chores and errands, for this weekend I leave town to visit family for the holidays. Could this be my last holiday season alone without you? Oh that it could be true!

Missing you terribly,
Me

One of my favorite Christmas hymns

Thou Who Wast Rich
by Frank Houghton (1894-1972)

Thou who wast rich beyond all splendor,
All for love's sake becamest poor;
Thrones for a manger didst surrender,
Sapphire-paved courts for stable floor.
Thou who wast rich beyond all splendor,
All for love's sake becamest poor.

Thou who art God beyond all praising,
All for love's sake becamest Man;
Stooping so low, but sinners raising
Heavenward by Thine eternal plan.
Thou who art God beyond all praising,
All for love's sake becamest Man.

Thou who art love beyond all telling,
Saviour and King, we worship Thee.
Emmanuel, within us dwelling,
Make us what Thou wouldst have us be.
Thou who art love beyond all telling
Saviour and King, we worship Thee. 

(Read the history behind this hymn here.)

The Wish That I Wish Tonight

My dear one,
Last night I watched a delightful old comedy from 1945 ("Christmas in Connecticut"). Here's a clip to give you a taste...

It would have been perfect if I was watching it snuggled up next to you. But then again, maybe you have no use for cheesy little films such as this. Oh well, one can dream...

I'm wishing that I may,

I'm wishing that I might

Have the wish that I wish tonight.

I've told my lucky star

The wish that I made,

And every time so far,

She's come to my aid.

It may not be today,

It may not be tonight,

But I'm sure it will be alright.

And maybe by tomorrow,

If I wish with all my might,

I might have the wish I wish tonight.

(by M. K. Jerome and Jack Scholl, 

as sung in "Christmas in Connecticut")

Created for eternity

Excerpt from A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken:

If, indeed, we all have a kind of appetite for eternity, we have allowed ourselves to be caught up in a society that frustrates our longing at every turn. Half our inventions are advertised to save time—the washing machine, the fast car, the jet flight—but for what? Never were people more harried by time: by watches, by buzzers, by time clocks, by precise schedules, by the beginning of the programme. There is, in fact, some truth in ‘the good old days’: no other civilisation of the past was ever so harried by time.

And yet, why not? Time is our natural environment. We live in time as we live in the air we breathe. And we love the air—who has not taken deep breaths of pure, fresh country air, just for the pleasure of it? How strange that we cannot love time. It spoils our loveliest moments. Nothing quite comes up to expecta­tions because of it. We alone: animals, so far as we can see, are unaware of time, untroubled. Time is their natural environment. Why do we sense that it is not ours?

C. S. Lewis, in his second letter to me at Oxford, asked how it was that I, as a product of a materialistic universe, was not at home there. ‘Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always been, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures?’ Then, if we complain of time and take such joy in the seemingly timeless moment, what does that suggest?

It suggests that we have not always been or will not always be purely temporal creatures. It suggests that we were created for eternity. Not only are we harried by time, we seem unable, despite a thousand generations, even to get used to it. We are always amazed at it—how fast it goes, how slowly it goes, how much of it is gone. Where, we cry, has the time gone? We aren’t adapted to it, not at home in it. If that is so, it may appear as a proof, or at least a powerful suggestion, that eternity exists and is our home.

The Holdfast, by George Herbert

"The Holdfast" by George Herbert, from The Temple (1633):

I threatened to observe the strict decree
          Of my deare God with all my power & might.
          But I was told by one, it could not be;
Yet I might trust in God to be my light.

Then will I trust, said I, in him alone.
          Nay, ev’n to trust in him, was also his:
          We must confesse that nothing is our own.
Then I confesse that he my succour is:

But to have nought is ours, not to confesse
          That we have nought. I stood amaz’d at this,
          Much troubled, till I heard a friend expresse,
That all things were more ours by being his.
          What Adam had, and forfeited for all,
          Christ keepeth now, who cannot fail or fall.

If I should venture all for God...

John Bunyan:

If I should venture all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concerns; but if I forsook Him in His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concerns were not so sure if left at God's feet while I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of God.

God is in the middle of my circumstances

Paul David Tripp: 

God is using the difficulties of the here and now to transform you, that is, to rescue you from you. And because he loves you, he will willingly interrupt or compromise your momentary happiness in order to accomplish one more step in the process of rescue and transformation, which he is unshakably committed to. When you begin to get on God's paradigm page, life not only makes sense (the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools) but immediately becomes more hopeful. There is hope for you because God is in the middle of your circumstances, and he is using them to mold you into what he created you to be.

Psalm 66

Verses 8-12, 16, 20...
    Bless our God, O peoples;
        let the sound of His praise be heard,
    who has kept our soul among the living
        and has not let our feet slip.
    For You, O God, have tested us;
        You have tried us as silver is tried.
    You brought us into the net;
        You laid a crushing burden on our backs;
    You let men ride over our heads;
        we went through fire and through water;
    yet You have brought us out to a place of abundance.
    Come and hear, all you who fear God,
        and I will tell what He has done for my soul.
    Blessed be God,
        because He has not rejected my prayer
        or removed His steadfast love from me!

Psalms like this one are somewhat bittersweet for me, for I wish I could sing them honestly. But right now these words seem like a distant promise to which I'm striving furtively to cling and believe.

Is it true that He has kept my soul and has not let my feet slip? Can I testify that He has brought me out to a place of abundance despite the trials and burdens He has ordained for me? Do I have a song of praise for what He has done for my soul?

Or has He rejected my prayer and removed His steadfast love for me? 

I would do anything to catch a glimpse of what He is doing with my life! O Lord, illumine my eyes that I may learn to see my circumstances not with the eye of the flesh but the vision of faith.
  
    Let him who walks in darkness
        and has no light
    trust in the name of the LORD
        and rely on his God. (Isaiah 50:10)

When we cannot see our way

When we cannot see our way,

Let us trust and still obey;

He who bids us forward go,

Cannot fail the way to show.

Though the sea be deep and wide,

Though a passage seem denied,

Fearless, let us still proceed,

Since the Lord vouchsafes to lead.

Though it be the gloom of night,

Though we see no ray of light,

Since the Lord Himself is there,

'Tis not meet that we should fear.

Night with Him is never night,

Where He is, there all is light;

When He calls us, why delay?

They are happy who obey.

Be it ours, then, while we're here,

Him to follow without fear;

Where He calls us, there to go;

What He bids us, that to do.

Thomas Kelly (1818)

[Listen to a beautiful setting here.]

Dry Brooks & Divine Blessings

From The Life of Elijah, by A. W. Pink...

"The brook dried up" (I Kings 17:7). To outward appearance that would have seemed a real misfortune, to carnal reason an actual calamity. Let us endeavor to visualize Elijah there at Cherith. The drought was everywhere, the famine throughout the whole land: and now his own brook began to dry up. Day by day its waters gradually lessened unto soon there was barely a trickle, and then it entirely ceased. Had he grown increasingly anxious and gloomy? Did he say, "What shall I do? Must I stay here and perish? Has God forgotten me? Did I take a wrong step, and after all, in coming here?" It all depended upon how steadily his faith remained in exercise. If faith was active, then he admired the goodness of God in causing that supply of water to last so long. How much better for our souls, if instead of mourning over our losses, we praise God for continuing His mercies to us so long—especially when we bear in mind they are only lent to us, and that we deserve not the least of them.

Though dwelling in the place of God's appointing, yet Elijah is not exempted from those deep exercises of soul which are ever the necessary discipline of a life of faith. True, the ravens had, in obedience to the Divine command, paid him their daily visits, supplying him with food morning and evening, and the brook had flowed on its tranquil course. But faith must be tested—and developed. The servant of God must not settle down on his lees, but pass from form to form in the school of the Lord; and having learned (through grace) the difficult lessons of one, he must now go forward to grapple with others yet more difficult. Perhaps the reader may now be facing the drying brook of popularity, of failing health, of diminishing business, of decreasing friendships. Ah, a drying brook is a real trouble.

Why does God suffer the brook to dry up? To teach us to trust in Himself, and not in His gifts. As a general rule He does not for long provide for His people in the same way and by the same means, lest they should rest in them and expect help from them. Sooner or later God shows us how dependent we are upon Himself even for supplies of every-day mercies. But the heart of the prophet must be tested, to show whether his trust was in Cherith or in the living God. So it is in His dealings with us. How often we think we are trusting in the Lord, when really we are resting on comfortable circumstances; and when they become uncomfortable, how much faith have we?

The God of Elijah still lives, and fails none who count upon His faithfulness!

Psalm 67

Verses 1-2...
    May God be gracious to us and bless us
        and make His face to shine upon us (Selah),
    that Your way may be known on earth,
        Your saving power among all nations.

This psalm begins with an adaptation of the blessing found in Numbers 6:24-26 ("The Lord bless you and keep you..."), followed by a purpose clause in verse 2, namely, that God's saving power might be known among all nations. I must not pray for God's blessing for my own selfish reasons, but that His name might be magnified through His dealings with me. And this reminds me that in my prayers to the Lord concerning my future, my true motivation must be His glory. Soli Deo gloria!

Stay strong, sweetheart

My dear one,

Can it be that you are out there...
praying for me... 
hoping to find me... 
waiting patiently for the Lord's perfect timing?

I am here... 
praying for you... 
hoping to find you... 
striving to wait patiently for the Lord's perfect timing.

You look wistfully at the happy couples flaunting Facebook relationship status updates, engagement announcements, wedding photos, and you whisper a silent prayer for strength.

You are weary of getting your hopes up, only to have them dashed as you turn away in disappointment and frustration.

You are looking for a kind, compassionate woman who will encourage you, cherish you, build you up, speak grace into your life, stand beside you as you face the world.
 
Stay strong, sweetheart. I love you for this. One day all of our longings and tears will be replaced by smiles and kisses and sweet caresses.

All my love,
Me

Links that make me think: Part 4

When My Soul is Truly At Rest (Emily Freeman):

Asking myself questions that matter are important for my own spiritual growth. But equally important is the tone I use when I ask the questions. I want to cast a hopeful vision, not weigh myself down with despair. When Jesus invited the weary to come to Him in Matthew 11, it was an invitation to wear the light burden of love, not the heavy burden of shame...

Who's Afraid of Proverbs 31? (Hannah at Sometimes a Light):

Proverbs 31 is intended as a blessing and affirmation, not of all women, but of a certain kind of woman: a wise one. Because while Proverbs 31 isn’t prescriptive, it is descriptive. It is designed to tell us the kind of woman who deserves honor and praise. In this sense, the poem is the culmination of an entire book whose main goal is to teach the difference between wisdom and foolishness. But as the beginning and end of Proverbs point out, you don’t become wise via a checklist; you become wise by fearing the Lord...

In the case of Proverbs 31, the poem shows how wisdom embodies itself in feminine form; so that in a beauty only God Himself could conceive, a book written primarily to young men doesn't climax with a description of a mature man but with a description of a mature woman... A wise woman can make a man; and a foolish one can break him...

Wisdom doesn’t come naturally to any of us. Our only hope of being this kind of noble woman comes by looking into the face of the One who is Wisdom Himself and allowing Him to conform us to His own likeness. And when we do, He will make us the fully formed image bearers we are destined to be. He will make us women of kindness and grace and sacrifice and love and joy. He will make us like Himself.

Where Do You Run When You're Empty? (Andrew Lisi):

That place of emptiness is the place where you and I will always be most vulnerable because it's the place where you often don't feel anything and you just want to feel something, even if that's feeling numb.

When you're empty, you will want to fill yourself up. In a world that promises filling only to keep you empty, run toward that which will make you full.

Psalm 68, Part 2

Verse 6--
    God setteth the solitary in families...

How incredibly precious this phrase is to me. I have experienced its truth in many ways over the last few years of being "on my own," and even on this Thanksgiving holiday. God's people have indeed ministered to me as a young single woman living away from my family, and I claim this promise as I trust God for my future.

My dear one, He will do the same for you.

Perhaps, in His providence, two specific solitary individuals - you and I - will be brought together to create a new home for His glory.

The source of lasting joy

Happy Thanksgiving, my love. I hope you did not spend the day alone. I was saved from that fate by a family in my church that extended a warm invitation to their afternoon dinner. My contributions to the event were a sweet potato soufflé (hurrah for a successful attempt at a new recipe!) and accompanying the hymn-sing time after dinner. I think that I would probably have been fighting back the tears if I had not been busy at the piano, for I have felt an acute sense of loneliness this entire week. At my church's Thanksgiving service last night, the pastor spoke on Daniel 6:10. One of the points he brought out was that Daniel continued giving thanks to God despite adversity, and one of his applications was that we are to thank God for hearing our prayers, even when His answer is No. My own heart rebuked me for my recent bitterness toward God for the path of singleness I am having to travel. I resolved to consciously thank God for his "No" answer to my prayers for a husband, trusting that in His wisdom He is still working His sovereign will for my life. Perhaps He is working behind the scenes to bring you and me together. But even if I never meet my "someone," His way is still perfect. I was challenged to continue to look only to the Lord for true and lasting satisfaction. And it was with those thoughts on my mind that I requested "God is the Treasure of My Soul" this evening during our time of singing:

What though no flow'rs the fig-tree clothe,
Though vines their fruit deny,
The labor of the olive fail,
And fields no meat supply?

Though from the fold, with sad surprise,
My flock cut off I see;
Though famine pine in empty stalls,
Where herds were wont to be?

Yet in the Lord will I be glad,
And glory in His love:
In Him I'll joy, who will the God
Of my salvation prove.

He to my tardy feet shall lend
The swiftness of the roe;
Till, raised on high, I safely dwell
Beyond the reach of woe.

God is the treasure of my soul,
The source of lasting joy;
A joy which want shall not impair,
Nor death itself destroy. 

(Scottish Psalter, 1880 -- Paraphrase of Habakkuk 3:17-18)

My dear one, perhaps you know these same thoughts where you are in life right now. Keep looking to God, and "glory in His love," for He is the "source of lasting joy"!

A festive mood

My dear one, 

I'm on a week-long Thanksgiving break from my teaching job, and today marked the first time I have decorated for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Shame on me, I know. But I couldn't help it this time -- because it was SNOWING for about half an hour this morning (a rarity here in the south, to be sure, which saddens the heart of this girl who grew up in one of the snowiest places in the country). I guess I can thank the weather system that just headed through. Anyway, the bit of wintry mix put me in a festive mood. Yes, I do admit to some dancing in the living room as I listened to my favorite Christmas music and strung the lights on my little artificial tree. Truth be told, I actually decorated two trees in my apartment, having found an inexpensive 4-foot tree to serve as a counterpart to the 5-foot one I've had for the past 7 years. The one thing that could have made me enjoy the morning even more would be to have you there to enjoy it with me...

Here's wishing I had more than these trees for companionship tonight...

Small tree in my bedroom.

"Larger" tree in my living room.
Someday I will explain to you the significance
of these two particular ornaments
(Moravian Star and Fleur-de-lis)

Links that make me think: Part 3

Afraid to Turn the Next Corner (Lisa TerKeurst):

Life twists and turns and throws loops into those places we think will be flat and smooth. Because that’s what life does. Sometimes it all just catches us off guard. And at the end of the day, I guess that’s why I don’t like to be surprised. I can’t stand to get caught off guard. It makes me feel exposed and afraid. But slowly, I’m learning it’s not all bad to be a little exposed and afraid. That vulnerable place reminds us we have needs beyond what we manage. It reminds us we need God. Desperately. Completely. And into that gap between what we can manage on our own and what we can’t, that’s right where faith steps in and has the opportunity to find deep roots. Roots that dig down and break up previously unearthed places within us. My faith doesn’t just need to grow big, it needs to grow deep.

The Greatest Secret to Productivity that No One is Talking About (Courtney Carver):

What if productivity was not about getting the most done, but by getting the most important done? What if productivity was not about doing it all, but doing the things we love and want to do? What if productivity was not about doing it fast, but doing it well? ... More [is] not the answer. There will always be more to do. Choose less and do it well. Choose less and get it done. Choose less and do what’s most important.

18 Things Everyone Should Start Making Time For Again (Brianna Wiest):

• Writing things by hand.
• Savoring time to do nothing.
• Cooking a nice meal just for the sake of doing so.
• Disconnecting from technology.
• Spending time with kids, and doing kid things with them.
• Just sitting and listening to music.
• Stopping to talk to people throughout the day.

Beautiful trees and bright tomorrows

My dear one,

I wonder where you are right now. Are you on the other side of the country, or even the other side of the world? Or are you quite nearby ... where I might spot you in a coffeeshop, newspaper in hand, smiling as you glance up at me?

Do we love the same music, share the same friends, read the same books? Or are we total opposites who will have to take a while to find anything in common? Sweetheart, I look forward to developing new interests to share with you!

Though most leaves having already fallen off the tree branches, the leaves of the Japanese maple trees on campus are just now in their prime. I have a lovely flaming red beauty outside the window of the studio where I teach. I was quite surprised when such bright color appeared, having thought that autumn was on its way out. I imagine that finding you will be a similar surprise for me, because my "chances" seem pretty small and dwindling by the day... I wait for that unknown tomorrow when my heart will sing over you even more than it sings over today's beautiful tree.

Yours now and forever,
Me

Psalm 68

Verses 16-17...

    Yours is the day, Yours also the night;
        You have established the heavenly lights and the sun.
    You have fixed all the boundaries of the earth;
        You have made summer and winter.

Our beautiful sunset earlier this week before the cold front moved in reminded me of these verses, and it just so happens that I came to this Psalm now in sequence as I continue working backwards through the Book of Psalms! There has been and will be no greater artist than our Heavenly Father!

From afar...

 
“When Aragorn was abroad, from afar Arwen watched over him in thought” – Lord of the Rings

My Only Treasure

Charles Wesley (1707-1788) penned these thoughts during his courtship...

Christ, my Life, my Only Treasure,
Thou alone
Mold thine own,
After thy Good pleasure.

Thou, who paidst my Price, direct me!
Thine I am,
Holy Lamb,
Save, and always save me.

Order Thou my whole Condition,
Choose my State,
Fix my Fate
By thy wise Decision.

From all Earthly Expectation
Set me free,
Seize for Thee
All my Strength of Passion.
Into absolute Subjection
Be it brought,
Every Thought,
Every fond Affection.

That which most my Soul requires
For thy sake
Hold it back
Purge my Best Desires.

Keep from me thy loveliest Creature,
Till I prove
Jesus' Love
Infinitely sweeter;

Till with purest Passion panting
Cries my Heart
"Where Thou art
Nothing more is wanting."

Blest with thine Abiding Spirit,
Fully blest
Now I rest,
All in Thee inherit.

Heaven is now with Jesus given;
Christ in me,
Thou shalt be
Mine Eternal Heaven.

Desires unfulfilled?

Something has been weighing on my mind for a while... Some folks like to use the following verse when God blesses them with some answer to prayer they have been seeking:

“He will fulfill the desire of them who fear Him” (Psalm 145:19a).

This is a lovely truth, and I have it underlined in my Bible. But here is the problem: if someone uses this verse in a “cause and effect” context for a particular blessing that he or she has received received, it can come across as, “See, I’ve trusted, feared, and obeyed the Lord, and I got what I wanted. If you haven’t gotten what you want, you must not be fearing God as sincerely as I have been.” A slap in the face. Something Job’s friends might have said.

Truly, some will trust, fear, and obey God for their entire life without having their heart’s desire fulfilled—here on earth, that is. When we see our Saviour face to face, all our tears will be wiped away and our deepest longings will be satisfied. That is the ultimate fulfillment of our heart’s desire.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love Him. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful. Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Saviour, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.
(1 Peter 1:6-9; James 1:12; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; James 5:11; James 5:7-8; Philippians 1:6; Colossians 3:1-4; 1 Peter 5:6-10; Jude 24-25)

"What do you want to do now?"

My dear one, 

The other day while talking to a colleague I consider to be a true friend and mentor, I was stumped momentarily over a question she posed to me: "Now that you have those tremendous academic achievements [my doctoral degree] behind you, where do you want to go from here? What do you really want to focus on now? What is your passion?"

Spotted on my running route

I confessed to her that, for so long, my life has been driven by obligations. I have learned to pursue my "duty," ignoring my "desire" (or attempting to, anyway). I have had to say goodbye to the hopes I carried for so long and face the grim reality of my perpetual singlehood. God has had me on this academia track for about ten years now and I've been dragging my heels all along, not fully convinced that this life is "for me."

But now that the reality is sinking in, a new freedom slowly emerges. I don't know where it will take me. As I told my friend, right now I'm still decompressing from the past three years, decluttering in many areas of my life (materially, emotionally, spiritually, physically). I've started reading about minimalism and whole-food diets. I've gotten back into running and am getting back in shape. I'm asking the Lord to give me "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow."

So, what do I want to do now? Well, for starters, I'd like to meet you! :)

All my love, 
Me

Links that make me think: Part 2

A few more articles that grabbed my attention lately...

Take Full Possession of My Heart: A Prayer of John Wesley:

Being created by You, let me live to You;
being created for You,
let me ever act for Your glory;
being redeemed by You,
let me render to You what is Yours
and let my spirit ever cleave to You alone.

Simplify Your Life by Writing It Down  (Courtney Carver):

When you feel overwhelmed, lost in complication, or simply confused about your direction, write it down for better clarity. When you are joyful and full of gratitude, write that down too. While your words could become thank you notes, journals, blogs, books or other meaningful works, just the act of putting words on paper will clarify your thoughts, magnify your voice and simplify your life.

"Alone": A Poem by Siegfried Sasson:

Alone… The word is life endured and known.
It is the stillness where our spirits walk
And all but inmost faith is overthrown.