Downtown Dreaming

My dear one, 

I found myself downtown with unexpected free time this beautiful Thursday evening, because my presence was not needed for the second half of a symphony rehearsal. So I walked around for a while, enjoyed the sunset view from the bridge over the waterfall, and ventured into a new gourmet deli for a light supper. After a busy morning and afternoon of teaching, followed by a hasty commute to the concert hall, the peaceful evening was a balm to my soul! 

If you had been sitting across from me at the little cast iron table outside City Hall, we'd have chuckled over the repetitive strains of the blues saxophonist busking across the street. We'd wonder exactly how much it would cost to take one of those carriage rides when we saw the horse clip-clopping up Main Street. You might have observed the glance I cast in the direction of the outdoor ice rink, and persuaded me to make my first iceskating attempt arm-in-arm with you. Perhaps you would have taken me to one of the cozy coffeeshops around the corner. One day...

Your Evenstar

Is it unreasonable?

My dear one, 

Just a quick note this evening as I'm waiting to meet a former college roommate for dinner. You're more likely to hear from me on a frequent basis if I don't put upon myself the high expectation of a lengthy missive.

I sometimes feel that it's unreasonable to pray for someone who loves the Lord with his whole heart yet can also love me despite my sinful heart. Someone who is not a pharisaical legalist but still stays away from alcohol, rock music, and movie theaters. Someone who thinks deeply and carefully about Reformed theology and fundamental doctrinal matters yet is not swept up in the popular worldly worship styles. Someone who speaks well but doesn't pridefully seek the center of attention.

And then there are the little things... Someone who will go to art museums and art galleries with me and hold my hand during the symphony concert and can also enjoy target practice with me or take me to a college football game. Someone who has good taste in fashion and personal style yet is not swept up in the materialism and immodesty of our culture. Someone who wouldn't think it crazy to jump in the car for a summer road-trip across the country on I-40, but is willing to do so on a shoestring budget. Someone who values the characteristics of a "Proverbs 31 woman" but will let me off the hook now and then from my kitchen duties and treat me to Taco Tuesday or Thai takeout. 

You'd be surprised at what I can put up with. I'm a relatively patient and forgiving gal. So, what do you say? Perhaps give me a chance?

Waiting still...

Your Evenstar

Trying to type on my phone tonight...

My dear one, 

I'm attempting this letter on my phone since I no longer have internet service here at my apartment. I should be in bed already (power snatches at the gym at 6am tomorrow...), but I'm sipping a decaf chai which tastes better than ever because I'm drinking from my new mug from a friend who owns the most delightful pottery shop in Oxford, England. 

It's been a music-filled week here. This past Friday night I played in a community orchestra patriotic concert – the highlight of which was Dvorak 9. Saturday evening was spent with my "Symphony Season Ticket" friends; the seven of us enjoyed a dinner potluck meal together and attended the performance of some Russian favorites. And this afternoon I rehearsed with an organist friend in preparation for services at his church next Sunday, then hurried back to my own church for choir practice. The upcoming work week will feel calm in comparison!

I ran a hypothetical scenario through my mind recently and it prompted some interesting developments. In this scenario you came home one day with a thoughtful and practical gift that showed your gratitude for my daily work in the kitchen: a memory foam rug to put under my feet while I washed dishes at the sink. After using this mat for a while I came to the point where I decided it was in the way, hard to keep clean, or something like that – and I wanted to remove it but felt afraid of disappointing you. 

This imagined situation helped me understand why I'm often reticent to give others a specific gift: I don't want to be the one giving an albatross. Because I often project negative responses onto those around me when running through hypothetical situations, I can end up paralyzed in inaction. "If I give So-and-so the gift of such-and-such, she might hate it, so maybe I should give her a nice gift card instead... but what if she thinks a gift card to be too impersonal?" I certainly hope I will be able to speak your "love language." Maybe not fluently at first, but with you giving me a few lessons I'm sure I can catch on quickly! 

I hate to end this letter abruptly, but sleep calls. Perhaps I'll attempt more regular letters. You are in my prayers. 

Your Evenstar

A worm named Selfishness

My dear one, 

Selfishness is a sneaky fellow. He worms his way into my wishes and motives, not to mention my daily routines. Because I live alone, it is all too easy to forget how selfish I am as I go about my day. There is no one to complain about my strange and infinitely long music playlists. There is no one to question my preparing and eating an identical menu for days on end. There is no one to prevent me from napping at 6pm after teaching all day. 

Sometimes I wonder if it is merely selfishness at the root of my longing for you. I would hope that if the Lord brings you into my life, my thoughts would be focused not upon how you can make me happy, but rather upon how we can do the work of the Kingdom better together than we can apart. Though you would make me happy, you would no doubt also bring an aspect of hardship to my world, for no relationship is without heartache. Perhaps there will be physical suffering, needy family members, workplace conflict, or spiritual battles that I must help you bear. That will call for a selflessness and self-sacrifice of which I can know but little right now. My current life is a comparatively simple affair – teaching classes and music lessons, serving in church ministries, participating in community volunteer opportunities, performing in and attending concerts, hiking area mountain trails, training at the gym, and hiding in the corners of my favorite coffee shops… Will I ever look back wistfully at these days of singleness? 

“Even when the cloud continued over the tabernacle many days, the people of Israel kept the charge of the Lord and did not set out… Whether it was two days, or a month, or a longer time, that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out, but when it lifted they set out” (Numbers 9:19, 22). God has lessons to teach me while I am in this place (even if I think I could learn them better with a companion at my side!). I must not worry about how long He intends to keep me in my present situation. I must not try to predict how or when change may come. I just need to keep my eyes resting on the signs of His presence, and trust His leading! 

The weather finally broke today after an unusually hot and humid string of October days. I sat outside enjoying the nip of the night air, wrapped in a cozy cardigan and sipping a hot chai latte. The words favorite hymns brought renewed spiritual resolution: 

May the love of Jesus fill me 

As the waters fill the sea; 

Him exalting, self abasing,

This is victory.

(Kate B. Wilkinson) 

With mercy and with judgment 

My web of time He wove, 

And aye the dews of sorrow 

Were lustered by His love; 

I’ll bless the hand that guided, 

I’ll bless the heart that planned, 

When throned where glory dwelleth 

In Immanuel’s land. 

(Anne Ross Cousin)

Comfort in sorrow

My dear one,

I write to you tonight across time and space, for I've recently been feeling as if I'm stuck in the wrong generation, or wrong century, or wrong world. (Or maybe you are?) I'm still working on resigning myself to the fact that our paths may never cross. But I still can throw these words out there, like a message in a bottle.

This summer has provided much-needed refreshment. I've been crossing creeks and climbing mountains, teaching music lessons and preparing concert music, helping with Bible clubs and mentoring young people, lifting weights and counting macros, scoping out new coffeeshops and haunting used book stores... And in less than three weeks, I will launch into my duties for the 2017-18 academic year. My department has shrunk by 50%, and extra responsibilities will now fall on my shoulders.

This coming Lord's Day is our pastor's last Sunday with us. I must be feeling something akin to the emotions of Christ's disciples when He told them of His impending departure. My pastor's messages from God's Word have always given me something to hold onto amidst the stormy seas, and now my only lifeline is being cut.

Because I have said these things unto you, 

sorrow hath filled your heart. 

Nevertheless I tell you the truth; 

It is expedient for you that I go away: 

for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; 

but if I depart, I will send him unto you. 

(John 16:7)

I can do nothing but dig deeper into the Scriptures for comfort now, for it is through those Words of Life that the Holy Spirit can minister to my heart's anguish.

It is good for me that I have been afflicted; 

that I might learn thy statutes. 

(Psalm 119:71)

Perhaps you know sorrow in your heart right now, my dear one. I'm not there to wipe even one of your tears, but we both have the same loving Comforter. May you continue to rest in Him as I learn to do the same!

Praying for you, 

Your Evenstar

Only the Lord is faithful

My dear one,

I don't know if the words will come. The reality that I may never know you has been painfully present these past several months, and my heart aches to even verbalize this thought.

When I was with my family last month, keenly feeling my grandfather's absence now that he is with the Lord, I cautioned myself that there are very, very few men left like my grandfather. Or my father, for that matter.

I am on the Titanic, in just about every facet of life, and wondering how long it'll stay afloat. My church is seeing some dark days and our pastor has been called to another assembly. My place of employment has had some extreme budget cuts and layoffs, and my workload is to increase this fall. At both my job and my church, I am pretty much taken for granted, and no one knows how lonely I am.

I just keep whispering these words:
"Change and decay in all around I see,
O, Thou Who changest not, abide with me."

Only the Lord is faithful.

Perhaps you see this too. Maybe you are walking a dark or foggy path, not able to see where the Lord is leading you. Remember that His Word is a lamp for our feet on such a path. Maybe you feel, like Elijah, that "you alone are left." Remember that the Lord has His servants in the least expected places, though you may not know them yet. Keep trusting, keep praying, keep smiling. The Lord will use you in great ways.

I am praying for you, my dear one, even if I never meet you!
Your Evenstar

February catch-up

My dear one, 

A month has passed ever so quickly! The much anticipated snow I mentioned in my last letter did make a glorious, albeit brief, appearance. It is likely the only snow I will see this winter, so I savored every moment. As I walked down a quiet road in my neighborhood, with the snow yet untouched, I enjoyed a special time of morning prayer!

At the end of January, I and a University colleague gave a lecture recital at a out-of-state music convention -- another God-given opportunity! The event was held in Florida, so on Sunday morning before our return trip, we attending the morning worship service at Saint Andrew's Chapel. The music was most excellent and exquisite and it was very memorable to hear Dr. R.C. Sproul in person!

Also at the end of January, I finished my first Whole30 challenge and have been continuing to ride the momentum by beginning a second round! Very excited about improved health due to cutting out the foods that had been secretly sabotaging some of my energy...

Last week I received something special in the mail: my "Hike 100" challenge pin from Great Smoky Mountains National Park! It was so inspiring to complete the 100-mile challenge during the centennial celebration of the National Park Service. Here's to even more miles in 2017!

I continue to think about you with every breathtaking sunset I view. How lovely it would be to show you around this small city someday! Honestly, I haven't explored many of the restaurants and coffeeshops... but they are there in abundance, waiting for us.

Wishing you a beautiful weekend of God's continued blessings... wherever you are are, my dear one!

With much prayer and hope, 
Your Evenstar

Goodbye Christmas... Hello, snow

My dear one,

Rain has begun this afternoon, with snow close on its heels. I'm more excited than is warranted... Ever since my parents moved away from Western New York, I have been nostalgic at every snowflake that comes my way here in a more "southern" state.

I just finished storing away all my Christmas decorations. A bittersweet farewell to one season, and an expectant greeting to the next! January and February typically leave me feeling hollow and listless, but I've done much already to ward off those feelings this year. I have a lovely binder full of short-term and long-term projects and goals. And fear not, there is room for you in those plans. Truly, many of them are designed to prepare me for the bright future when at long last you will be in the picture.

My career goals are necessarily flexible; I don't want to become too tied down at this institution where I presently teach. And that means maintaining a vibrant performing schedule and building connections within my field: visiting colleges throughout the southeast to give master classes and solo recitals, publishing articles in certain relevant journals, performing/speaking at regional and national conferences and conventions, etc. Even if my heart is not always in it. All this so that if I ever move (or am terminated from my current position, perish the thought...), I will have a curriculum vitae worthy of consideration for another institution. Yet I don't yearn for fame in the normal sense of the word. If anything, I want to be known as a shining light for Christ. When I am gone, I want those who knew me to be able to say, "Yes, she was a wonderful musician and teacher, but even more importantly she was committed to Christ and living out the gospel before her neighbors. She was a dedicated teacher who loved her students and encouraged them to use their abilities for the Kingdom."

...So it follows that another one of my priorities is that of hospitality and friendship. I truly desire to be a better friend and encourager to those around me. Last night a friend came over and we chatted over a simple cup of tea. Slowly, my arsenal of tasty, nutritional, foolproof recipes is increasing. My latest adventure was making Whole30-compliant sausage patties with pork from a local farm. (Food tastes all the better when I know the quality of every ingredient!) I like to think that it's a recipe you'd ask for frequently... It's my goal to get more comfortable inviting folks over to my apartment; I've been unduly nervous about sounding pathetic in doing so. But if I were in another's shoes, wouldn't I jump at the chance at an invitation to a home-cooked meal and old-fashioned fellowship?

...The rain is now of the freezing variety. The ice creates a roar as it hit the hardy leaves of the magnolia outside my window. I'll not be venturing out for the rest of the day, so I've changed into my fuzzy robe and lit my wood-wick candle. Winter weather is made for cozy times like this (or is it the other way around?). Please tell me I'm not pathetic for making the best of my solitude, embracing it, enjoying edifying books and seasons of prayer...

Praying for you, my dear one...
Your Evenstar

Nothing but the empty air

And sometimes, at nighttime 

I dream that you are there-- 

But wake holding nothing but the empty air...

My dear one, 

Last night I dreamed of a conversation with you, though you did not have a face. I'm sorry for this constant doubt that you exist somewhere out there. For idolizing the idea of you while not having an inkling of what you are actually like. For not being patient for God's timing. For the mistakes I will make when I meet you. For the ways I will let you down or disappoint you. I'm sorry for your frustration in finding the right girl. For the times you've been hurt in the past. For the ways you will be misunderstood or falsely accused in the future. 

How can I wait? The nights alone are kind; 

They reach forth to a future day, and bring 

Sweet dreams of you to people all my mind; 

And time speeds by on light and airy wing. 

I feast upon your face, I no more sing, 

How can I wait? 

How can I wait? The morning breaks the spell 

A pitying night has flung upon my soul. 

You are not near me, and I know full well 

My heart has need of patience and control; 

Before we meet, hours, days, and weeks must roll, 

How can I wait? 

(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)

...

On a happier note, some friends from church announced their upcoming adoption of a little boy from China. They have the sweetest story-- their fourth baby, whom I'll call "Michael," was born with a heart condition (which has been treated over a series of surgeries through the past few years), and they became burdened for other heart babies who have no one to invest in the necessary medical treatment. When Michael was two, they adopted a three-year-old girl from China ("Gabriela") and she has already had several surgeries and much improvement. Michael and Gabriela are now both in my Sunday School class. And very soon "Daniel," only 17 days younger than Michael, will be joining the family! I find myself wondering if you would ever consider the ministry of adoption for our family. It is certainly a subject I'd love to at least discuss with you... And when I say that, I'm not being pushy. Contrary to what many women hold, "discussion" does not mean winning a man over to the woman's view of things. But I digress! Ever since reading Russell Moore's book Adopted for Life I have been captivated by the beauty of adoption and its picture of the gospel.

I have three flute students lined up for afternoon lessons. Though I still have a week left of my Christmas break, they're back into their school schedules, so I'm perfectly willing to teach them anyway. The income that my home teaching brings in is a blessing!

Wherever this first Monday of the new year finds you, I wish you God's best and am praying for you!

Loving you, 
Your Evenstar