New Year's Eve

My dear one, 

You know I must be missing you if I write two letters in a single day... The hours and minutes left in this year 2016 are few, but my thoughts of you are many. Unlike most, I'm spending the evening quietly, at home, listening to the peaceful music of Ludovico Einaudi. I just finished preparing the Sunday School lesson I must teach tomorrow, after a brisk walk in the chilly evening, and now water for tea is heating on the stove. I have some pumpkin cranberry crackers and goat cheese as an accompanying evening snack... something of a "last celebration" before I begin a Whole30 month tomorrow (no grains, legumes, dairy, or sugar - fun!). January seems to be a good time for a dietary reboot! 

Tallying up the books I read in 2016, Goodreads reports that I completed 34 books, which was 4 more than my goal of 30. Only 4 of the 34 were categorized as fiction. Perhaps I'll set my goal for 2017 as 36 books (3 books per month).

Here's a list of the ones I rated as 5 stars (out of 5) in 2016:

1. Sound in Motion: A Performer's Guide to Greater Musical Expression (David McGill)
2. The Next to Last Word: Service, Hope, and Revival in the Postexilic Prophets (Michael P. V. Barrett)
3. Intelligent Music Teaching: Essays on the Core Principles of Effective Instruction (Robert A. Duke)
4. A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble (Paul David Tripp)
5. The Magnolia Story (Chip and Joanna Gaines)

I wish I could find "book club friends" who are not only interested in insipid fiction. I prefer books that make me think -- either inspiring me or challenging my thinking. I read with pencil in hand, underlining as I go. A friend who borrowed a book from me a few weeks ago no doubt is shaking his head at all my underlined passages. (Or maybe he finds them helpful... One can hope...) When I am in someone's home, my eye always wanders to the bookshelves. I find it intriguing to observe someone's choice in books, which is usually quite revealing of personality, values, and interests. I wonder how many books you and I have in common?

...

Standing at the portal

Of the opening year,

Words of comfort meet us,

Hushing every fear;

Spoken thru the silence

By our Savior’s voice,

Tender, strong and faithful,

Making us rejoice.

Refrain:

Onward, then, and fear not,

Children of the day;

For His Word shall never,

Never pass away.

“I, the Lord, am with thee,

Be thou not afraid;

I will help and strengthen

Be thou not dismayed.

Yea, I will uphold thee

With My own right hand;

Thou art called and chosen

In My sight to stand.”

For the year before us,

O what rich supplies!

For the poor and needy

Living streams shall rise;

For the sad and sinful

Shall His grace abound;

For the faint and feeble

Perfect strength be found.

He will never fail us,

He will not forsake;

For His eternal covenant

He will never break.

Resting on the promise,

What have we to fear?

God is all sufficient

For the coming year.

(Frances Ridley Havergal)

I'm looking forward to being back at my church tomorrow... to singing the timeless hymns and psalms with fellow-saints young and old, to hearing my pastor bring the Word, to dedicating the new year unto the Lord!

A verse for you for 2017: 

"It is the Lord who goes before you. 

He will be with you; 

He will not leave you or forsake you. 

Do not fear or be dismayed." (Deut. 31:8)

Walk with Him, my sweetheart. Trust Him. That is the most important thing you can do. (And it can only bring you closer towards finding me!)

Love always, 

Your Evenstar

Looking forward...

My dear one,

I'm back home from my travels, just in time to see in the new year. I restocked my refrigerator and pantry and washed my car this morning. My Christmas tree lights are lit, and I plan to leave the tree up until Friday. The "12 days of Christmas" give me some extra time to savor the beauty of this season. I actually have some other white lights strung up in my apartment that remain year-round and add to the cozyiness factor... like the Danish concept of hygge. 

My time with family went fairly smoothly. It's heartbreaking to see how much my grandfather's health and strength has deteriorated since I last visited. He couldn't be getting any better care though -- my grandmother and parents are lovingly meeting all his needs at home. My grandparents have been married for 63 years and are truly an example of a loving, godly couple. I was thrilled that that one of my brothers was there for a part of the time; we had fun shooting and cleaning our guns together. When we video-chatted with my other brother and his wife, they shared the news that they're expecting their first little one in August. The Lord blessed them with a new house, and now this... To be honest, I just want to cry when I see God's goodness in the lives of my family and friends and yet feel such a lack in that area of my own life. 

True confession: Throughout November and December I surreptitiously experimented with an online dating website... but quickly learned that it's not for me. And in some ways that is a very discouraging realization, for I must acknowledge that it will take a true miracle for you to find me. It would be all too easy for me to lower my standards out of desperation if I continued to participate on a dating site, and that would be a lack of faith in God's sovereignty... like Abraham doubting God's promise of a son and agreeing to Sarah's suggestion of Hagar. I am called to "lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge the Lord in all my ways" -- which I have to pray for daily strength to do! 

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense, 

But trust Him for His grace; 

Behind a frowning providence 

He hides a smiling face.

But on the whole it's a good thing for me to have refined my mental list of "non-negotiables." Perhaps it's not only a mental list, for here it is for anyone to see:

• Demonstrates a clear articulation of the gospel and has a strong personal testimony.
• Possesses spiritual maturity and discernment.
• Affirms the doctrines of grace.
• Serves at and attends faithfully a conservative, Christ-proclaiming local church.
• Challenges me to a deeper relationship with the Lord.
• Chooses friends wisely.
• Does not play around with worldly pursuits (e.g.,, alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling, public dancing, movie theaters, rock music).
• Is committed to moral purity (both his and mine) and holds the marriage covenant as sacred.
• Possesses good communication skills (both written and spoken).
• Evidences responsibility and a good work ethic.
• Has a vision for his life and is actively pursuing his goals for God's glory.

Is that so unreasonable?? I separate those "non-negotiables" from my preferred "wants," knowing that you, my dear one, will meet the above criteria. But here are the "wants" that I still pray about, not knowing what you might be like beyond those qualities...

• Is quiet and serious most of the time (not flippantly giddy and silly).
• Is self-sufficient (not clingy/needy).
• Possesses above-average musical talents (pleasing voice, piano skills).
• Is physically fit/healthy.
• Enjoys hiking and other outdoor activities.
• Dresses himself smartly yet unostentatiously.

...

I feel ready -- excited even -- for the new year. This past year I received a promotion to associate professor, had some wonderful performance opportunities, and learned more about myself. It has always been my prayer that music would not consume my entire life to the point where I stop enjoying music "because it's what I have to do for a living." At times that has been a challenge: being in academia circles, I often find myself reluctantly agreeing to more and more responsibilities "because I need them for my professional CV and annual review." But by and large, I've been able to keep some sort of balance, carving out time for other ministry opportunities (teaching a 4/5-year-old Sunday School class, volunteering at a juvenile detention group home, cooking meals for college students...). And when I'm able to slip away on a Saturday to hit a hiking trail, I always return recharged and reinvigorated for the next busy week of practicing, teaching, and pouring into the lives of "my kids." I hiked over 100 miles this year!

What will this next year hold? Will I find you? I pray for you and wish God's best for you wherever you are...
All my love, 
Your Evenstar

...

O Lord of the oceans,

My little bark sails on a restless sea,

Grant that Jesus may sit at the helm and steer me safely.

Suffer no adverse currents to divert my heavenward course;

Let not my faith be wrecked amid storms and shoals;

Bring me to harbor with flying pennants,

hull unbreached, cargo unspoiled.

I ask great things,

expect great things,

shall receive great things.

I venture on thee wholly, fully,

my wind, sunshine, anchor, defense.

The voyage is long, the waves high, the storms pitiless,

but my helm is held steady,

thy Word secures safe passage,

thy grace wafts me onward,

my haven is guaranteed.

This day will bring me nearer home.

Grant me holy consistency in every transaction,

my peace flowing as a running tide,

my righteousness as every chasing wave.

Help me to live circumspectly,

with skill to convert every care to prayer.

Halo my path with gentleness and love,

smooth every asperity of temper;

let me not forget how easy it is to occasion grief;

may I strive to bind up every wound,

and pour oil on all troubled waters.

May the world this day be happier and better because I live.

Let my mast before me be the Saviour’s cross,

and every oncoming wave the fountain of his side.

Help me, protect me in the moving sea

until I reach the shore of unceasing praise.

Amen.

(From The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions)

Christmas preparations and prayers

My dear one, 

I'm preparing for a trip to see family for Christmas. I am looking forward to Thursday's ten-hour drive, and my podcast/sermon/audiobook playlists are all queued up. Yet part of me would rather stay in my own little apartment for the holiday. After all, this is home now. My parents live at (and work for) a retirement community that leaves me feeling somewhat depressed. The town where I grew up and the house where I have so many childhood memories are no longer a part of my Christmastime. I love my parents and grandparents dearly, but there are inevitable conflicts that arise over unexpected misunderstandings. I feel like there's no way for them to really understand who I have become. How can I explain my insecurities, frustrations, failures, and unspoken longings? How do I begin to tell them about my goals, challenges, and dreams? And if even my own family doesn't know the real me, how can I ever expect the Lord to give me a soulmate who can read my heart, understand my vision, and sing the same melody along with me? I desperately want this visit to be different. Oh that it could be a proving ground of my abilities to maintain trusting, loving relationships! Occasionally I have daydreamed about what it would be like to introduce you, my dear one, to my family. Certainly there would be some initial awkwardness, but on the whole I would be so eager and excited for them to see and know the treasure God had brought me. I'm praying fervently that you would know the joys of the Christmas season, wherever you are!
...Your Evenstar

Sweeter sounds than music knows 

Charm me in Immanuel's name; 

All her hopes my spirit owes 

To His birth, and cross, and shame.

When He came, the angels sung, 

"Glory be to God on high;" 

Lord, unloose my stamm'ring tongue, 

Who should louder sing than I?

Did the Lord a man become, 

That He might the law fulfil, 

Bleed and suffer in my room, 

And canst thou, my tongue, be still?

No, I must my praises bring, 

Though they worthless are and weak; 

For should I refuse to sing, 

Sure the very stones would speak.

O my Saviour, Shield, and Sun, 

Shepherd, Brother, Husband, Friend, 

Ev'ry precious name in one, 

I will love Thee without end.

– John Newton

Marriage and melancholy

Today a dear friend from my college days married her special someone, and I watched the livestreaming video from afar... in tears. I almost turned it off several times just because it hurts so much to see the blessings and joys that the Lord grants to others while denying me. Like Job, I must learn not to question Why? but rather, What can I learn about my God?

This evening as I was preparing my Sunday School lesson, I came to the precious words at the end of 1 Samuel 1:19 - "...and the Lord remembered her." Hannah had poured out her heart's grief to the Lord. Like Hannah, I must cast my cares and burdens at His feet... including this grief of loneliness in my singleness.

I may never understand what the Lord is doing with me. I can only cling to the truth that He hasn't forgotten me, no matter how loud Satan shouts that lie in my ear.

December thoughts

My dear one,

How can we be halfway through December already? October, November, and December are my three favorite months, and as I drove to prayer meeting with the bright orange supermoon on the horizon and tears trickling down my cheeks, I grieved the fact that another year is almost past without me knowing your smile, your voice, your companionship.

I sit in the warm glow of the delicate white lights on my Christmas tree, and sip a peppermint mocha in celebration of turning in the semester's grades. If you were here I'd have you pick a Christmas playlist to serenade us, but as it is I'm once again defaulting to my favorite John Rutter carol settings.

This past Sunday evening I played for the Lessons and Carols Service at a beautiful church downtown where the people are truly my brothers and sisters in Christ. If my own church did not exists, that is where I would be worshipping week by week. The Lessons and Carols program was executed at a superior level to what my church will offer this coming Sunday evening, but of course that is not my sole criterion for liking or disliking, or choosing or rejecting, a church. Unlike the treacherous behavior of many in even my own church lately, I refuse to break my covenant of membership and loyalty for petty reasons.

After playing in that Lessons and Carols Service, I found myself strolling around the downtown area, admiring the festive window displays, scanning the variety of menus posted in the restaurant doors, gazing wistfully at the small ice skating rink set up for the season, and walking along our beloved bridge that spans a waterfall. Small delights... which I'm able to enjoy alone... but would treasure all the more with you beside me.

"O Little Town of Bethlehem" is playing right now on my Christmas playlist, which reminds me of God's covenant promises. How so? Well, I recently finished taking my Sunday School class through the story of Ruth, tying it into the promise of the Messiah that would be born in the very same town centuries later, in the genealogical line of that poor Moabite widow who was welcomed into the people of God. "The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee [Bethlehem] tonight... How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift is giv'n! So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His heav'n. No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin, where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in... O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel."

I pray that you will know the comforting presence of Emmanuel ("God with us") in what can be a very lonely time of year for those of us still waiting for a fellow-pilgrim to come alongside us as we travel this long journey. I don't know if you're ahead of me on the road, or waiting for me to stop so you can come up to join me, but I pray that the Lord will unite us soon.

Your Evenstar