Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Psalm 100

100 days to go in this countdown!

Today's psalm is one of the first I learned as a young child (along with Psalms 1, 23, and 121). I remember my brother saying, "Make annoyful joys unto the Lord..." I am so thankful that my parents instilled in us a reverence and love for God's Word, even before we could intelligently grasp the meaning of the words we memorized.

Here is the psalter version as it appeared in Sternhold & Hopkins' 1640 collection:



Monday, April 29, 2013

Psalm 101

Verses 2b-3a...
    "I will walk with integrity of heart
        within my house;
    I will not set before my eyes
        anything that is worthless."


This morning's sermon was titled "Known by God" (Gal. 4:9 ... part of Pastor's current book series). We cannot hide from God, though our heart is naturally deceitful. Psalm 139 is centered on the theme of God's intimate knowledge of me. It is in light of these truths that David's resolution in Psalm 101 strikes me.

Sometimes I waste time on worthless pastimes, shallow entertainments that lack integrity or spiritual value. I cannot use the excuse, "I have no confidant to be my accountability partner." I have the constant convicting and guiding agent of God's Holy Spirit indwelling me!

When I move back to set up my own little apartment again this fall, I want to frame these verses and hang them in my home. If I truly love God I will hate sin, because it is displeasing to Him.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Dusk at Sea

Dusk at Sea, by Thomas S. Jones, Jr.

To-night eternity alone is near:
The sea, the sunset, and the darkening blue;
Within their shelter is no space for fear,
Only the wonder that such things are true.

The thought of you is like the dusk at sea—
Space and wide freedom and old shores left far,
The shelter of a lone immensity
Sealed by the sunset and the evening star.

(Listen to Rene Clausen's gorgeous setting here)

Psalm 102


Verse 17...
    "He regards the prayer of the destitute
        and does not despise their prayer."


I wouldn't by any means call myself "destitute," for I am blessed with more than enough ... food, shelter, clothing. Yet sometimes my soul feels impoverished, withered, starving for nourishment. This verse speaks to that unseen hunger of my soul, and comforts me in the realization that God does not turn away in disgust over my atrophied prayers. He wants me to come to Him in the full assurance that He can feed and satisfy my soul and that He desires to do so!

Psalm 103

Verses 8-18...
    "The LORD is merciful and gracious,
        slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
    He will not always chide,
        nor will He keep his anger forever.
    He does not deal with us according to our sins,
        nor repay us according to our iniquities.
    For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
        so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him;
    as far as the east is from the west,
        so far does He remove our transgressions from us.
    As a father shows compassion to His children,
        so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him.
    For He knows our frame;
        He remembers that we are dust.
    As for man, his days are like grass;
        he flourishes like a flower of the field;
    for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
        and its place knows it no more.
    But the steadfast love of the LORD 

                is from everlasting to everlasting 
                on those who fear Him,
        and His righteousness to children's children,
    to those who keep His covenant
        and remember to do His commandments."


Praise, my soul, the King of heaven,
To His feet thy tribute bring;
Ransomed, healed, restored, forgiven,
Who, like me, His praise should sing?
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Praise the Everlasting King!

Praise Him for His grace and favor
To our fathers in distress;
Praise Him, still the same forever,
Slow to chide, and swift to bless.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Glorious in His faithfulness!
 
Father-like, He tends and spares us;
Well our feeble frame He knows,
In His hands He gently bears us,
Rescues us from all our foes.
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Widely as His mercy flows!

Angels, help us to adore Him,
Ye behold Him face to face;
Sun and moon, bow down before Him;
Dwellers all in time and space,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Praise with us the God of grace

(Henry F. Lyte)

Friday, April 26, 2013

Psalm 104

Verses 33-34...
    "I will sing to the LORD as long as I live;
        I will sing praise to my God while I have being.
    May my meditation be pleasing to Him,
        for I rejoice in the LORD."


Since from Thy bounty I receive
Such proofs of love divine,
Had I a thousand hearts to give,
Lord, they should all be Thine.

(Samuel Stennett)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Psalm 105

Verse 4...
    "Seek the LORD and His strength;
        seek His presence continually!"


I look to Thee in every need, and never look in vain;
I feel Thy strong and tender love, and all is well again.
The thought of Thee is mightier far than sin and pain and sorrow are.

Discouraged in the work of life, disheartened by its load,
Shamed by its failures or its fears, I sink beside the road.
But let me only think of Thee and then new heart springs up in me.

Thy calmness bends serene above, my restlessness to still;
Around me flows Thy quickening life, to nerve my faltering will.
Thy presence fills my solitude, Thy providence turns all to good.

Enfolded deep in Thy dear love, held in Thy law, I stand;
Thy hand in all things I behold, and all things in Thy hand.
Thou leadest me by unsought ways, and turn my mourning into praise.
 
(Samuel Longfellow)

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Rain

My dear one,
I love a good thunderstorm. This morning's storm brought cooler temperatures and a relief from the humid conditions so characteristic of this area. Any heavy rain causes flooding here, as captured in a fellow musician's photo of our campus (see below)


There is beauty even in this. When I slow down and breathe and "smell the roses," as my mother often encourages me to do, my world is indeed filled with beauty. Even my loneliness turns into a melancholic Sehnsucht...

Waiting for you,
Me

Psalm 106

Verse 4...
    "Remember me, O LORD, when You show favor to Your people;
        help me when You save them."


Lord, You haven't forgotten me! You haven't given me "less than best." Your plans for me are good and perfect and right and blessed.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Psalm 107

Verse 9...
    "For He satisfies the longing soul,
        and the hungry soul He fills with good things."


O Lord, I believe you can satisfy my soul's thirst!

Life is a journey; long is the road,
And when the noontide is high
Souls that are weary faint ’neath their load,
Long for the waters, and cry:

Chorus
The well is deep and I require
A draught of the water of life,
But none can quench my soul’s desire
For a draught of the water of life;
Till One draws near who the cry will heed,
Helper of men in their time of need,
And I, believing, find indeed
That Christ is the water of life.

Life is a seeking, life is a quest,
Eager and longing desire;
Unto the true things, unto the best,
Godward our spirits aspire.

Life is a finding; vain wand’rings cease
When from the Saviour we claim
All we have longed for, solace and peace,
And we have life in His name.

(Albert Orsborn)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Psalm 108

Verse 1...
    "My heart is steadfast, O God!
        I will sing and make melody with all my being!"


Wanting this to be my constant song, no matter the circumstances!

Back home now, but busy helping an international friend in the capacity of "editor" for her dissertation...

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Psalm 109

Verses 21-22, 30-31
    But you, O GOD my Lord,
        deal on my behalf for Your name's sake;
        because Your steadfast love is good, deliver me!
    For I am poor and needy,
        and my heart is stricken within me.

    With my mouth I will give great thanks to the LORD;
        I will praise Him in the midst of the throng.
    For He stands at the right hand of the needy one,
        to save him from those who condemn his soul to death.


O Lord, I know You are "on my side" but sometimes it seems like you send me out into the frontlines without any backup. Help me to sense Your presence when I feel most alone!

Friday, April 19, 2013

Psalm 110

Verse 4...
    The LORD has sworn
        and will not change his mind,
    “You are a priest forever
        after the order of Melchizedek.”


Just like Melchizedek, Christ is both our King and our High Priest. 

Hebrews 1:3...
He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature, and he upholds the universe by the word of his power. After making purification for sins, He sat down at the right hand of the Majesty on high.

Jesus, our Lord, ascend Thy throne,
And near the Father sit;
In Sion shall Thy power be known,
And make Thy foes submit.

What wonders shall Thy Gospel do!
Thy converts shall surpass
The numerous drops of morning dew,
And own Thy sovereign grace.

God hath pronounced a firm decree,
Nor changes what He swore:
“Eternal shall Thy priesthood be,
When Adam is no more.

Melchizedek, that wondrous priest,
That king of high degree,
That holy man who Abraham blessed
Was but a type of Thee.

Jesus our priest for ever lives
To plead for us above;
Jesus our king for ever gives
The blessings of His love.

God shall exalt His glorious head,
And His high throne maintain;
Shall strike the powers and princes dead
Who dare oppose His reign.

(Isaac Watts)

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Psalm 111


Verses 2-3...
Great are the works of the Lord,
studied by all who delight in them.
Full of splendor and majesty is his work,
and his righteousness endures forever.

O Lord, Thy works are beautiful; may mine aspire to a like, though imperfect, beauty, for I am created in Thine image!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Psalm 112

Verses 1-2, 7...
Praise the Lord!
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
who greatly delights in his commandments!
His offspring will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.
He is not afraid of bad news;
his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.

My dear one,
I think of you when I read this psalm. It's like the men's equivalent of Proverbs 31. Trust in the Lord! I'm having to remind myself of this daily, hourly... I'm trusting Him to, among other things, bring you to me!

Waiting,
Me

Psalm 113

Verse 9...
    He gives the barren woman a home,
        making her the joyous mother of children.
    Praise the LORD!


Here's hoping I can claim this verse someday as testimony to Thy faithfulness!

Verses 2-3...
    Blessed be the name of the LORD
        from this time forth and forevermore!
    From the rising of the sun to its setting,
        the name of the LORD is to be praised!


No matter what the Lord brings into my life or withholds from me, His name is to be praised. O Lord, give me that heart of praise from this time forth and forevermore!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Huge relief

My dear one,

I feel such relief, having passed my dissertation defense this afternoon! I am in the midst of an extremely busy week, commuting to a city three hours away to play a symphony gig. My letters will be rather brief through Saturday, though my Psalms countdown continues...

Still waiting,
Me

Psalm 114

Verse 7...
    Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
        at the presence of the God of Jacob.


O Lord, may I always tremble at the thought of Thy holiness and consider your nearness with awe and reverence!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Psalm 115

Verse 1...
    Not to us, O LORD, not to us, but to Your name give glory,
        for the sake of Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness!


Any good in me is only of God, He alone deserves the glory for His goodness and grace!
Make my life an alleluia to You, Lord!

Psalm 116

Verse 8...
    For You have delivered my soul from death,
        my eyes from tears,
        my feet from stumbling.


O Lord, make this the reality in my life and testimony!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Sunny Saturday

My dear one,

It's a gorgeous breezy Saturday (probably the last nice day until November), and I have nothing on my calendar. That doesn't mean my to-do list isn't a mile long though! I slept in till a leisurely 9:00. I finally did my taxes (hip-hip-hooray for a refund!). I have a load of laundry in the washer right now. Then I should practice the music for next week's symphony gig, stop at the produce market, and take my car in for an oil change.

O how I wish I lived on a nice little piece of land with room for a clothesline in the backyard. Today would be a perfect day to hang out the clothes to dry! You and I could sit on the porch drinking iced tea (err, excuse me, down here it's "sweet tea," I'm told), enjoying the breeze, while our little ones romp around the grassy yard. Maybe the yard needs to be mowed. I wouldn't mind helping you with this if you are tired from your grueling work-week!

I want a quiet simple life, my dear one. I want to know peace and contentment in the small routines of keeping a home for my family. I don't want to run around to gigs in the next state, scare off friends with my "accomplishments," and hear people calling me "Dr." I want to be a nobody! I want to be yours...

Waiting,
Me

Psalm 117

    Praise the LORD, all nations!
        Extol him, all peoples!
    For great is his steadfast love toward us,
        and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.
    Praise the LORD!


This psalm is short, yes, but so strong and doxological! All nations, all peoples... the promise God made to Abraham became a reality through Christ. God's covenant love is steadfast and sure. He will never forsake His own.

And His promise to judge the wicked is just as certain as His faithfulness to His people. My heart cries out against the moral breakdown of our society, the completely illogical arguments of my "friends," and the gruesome crimes committed by God's enemies. "The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth" (Romans 1:18). They might think they have no one to answer to, but God is faithful in all He has said, and that includes punishing the wicked for all eternity. There but for the grace of God go I. Thank you, Father, for changing my heart and giving me Thy life-giving Spirit.

Friday, April 12, 2013

All or nothing at all

My dear one,

I truly hope that when I meet you, I can be free to fall in love with you. I'm tired of those one-sided wonderings, where I begin to notice someone and try to figure out if he might ever notice me. No more of that for me. I'm resolved to keep my nose to the grindstone until you, and only you, come along.

I am in no mood for those casual dating relationships where there is no goal in mind. Frankly, I think it's foolish to spend time with someone and just "hang around" together without intentionality. I feel like shaking some girls and shouting at them, "Do you really think he is marriage material? No? Well then, cut that out!!"


All or nothing at all...
Half a love, never appealed to me.
If your heart never could yield to me,
Then I'd rather have nothing at all.

All or nothing at all...
If it's love, there is no in between.
Why begin, then cry for something that might have been?
No, I'd rather have nothing at all.

But please don't bring your lips so close to my cheek.
Don't smile or I'll be lost beyond recall.
The kiss in your eyes and the touch of your hand makes me weak,
And my heart may grow dizzy and fall.

And if I fell under the spell of your call,
I would be caught in the undertow.
And so you see, I've got to say no, no!
All or nothing at all! 

Jack Lawrence (lyrics) & Arthur Altman (music), 1939

Psalm 118

Verse 8...
    It is better to take refuge in the LORD
        than to trust in man.

"It is better in all ways, for first of all it is wiser: God is infinitely more able to help, and more likely to help, than man, and therefore prudence suggests that we put our confidence in him above all others.
It is also morally better to do so, for it is the duty of the creature to trust in the Creator. God has a claim upon his creatures' faith, he deserves to be trusted; and to place our reliance upon another rather than upon himself, is a direct insult to his faithfulness.
It is better in the sense of safer, since we can never be sure of our ground if we rely upon mortal man, but we are always secure in the hands of our God.
It is better in its effect upon ourselves: to trust in man tends to make us mean, crouching, dependent; but confidence in God elevates, produces a sacred quiet of spirit, and sanctifies the soul.
It is, moreover, much better to trust in God, as far as the result is concerned; for in many cases the human object of our trust fails from want of ability, from want of generosity, from want of affection, or from want of memory; but the Lord, so far from falling, does for us exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or even think.
This verse is written out of the experience of many who have first of all found the broken reeds of the creature break under them, and have afterwards joyfully found the Lord to be a solid pillar sustaining all their weight.

(C. H. Spurgeon)
I have learned not to expect much from people around me or depend much upon what they have to offer. It has become a defense mechanism for me to be that "lone wolf" much of the time in order to avoid that certain disappointment. The Lord is the only one who is sure to be faithful and worth my trust.

But I am reminded of the words of C. S. Lewis... "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

I'm scared that my lonely existence might be doing me permanent damage. I truly feel like I need someone to be vulnerable with. My dear one, I don't want to lock up my heart. I want to give it to you.

I spent the afternoon helping a friend with part of her thesis. English is her second language, and she was seeking assistance for some of the sections she sensed were written a bit awkwardly. It felt so good to be free from the thoughts of my own thesis, and to feel like I was encouraging someone without needing anything in return.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Psalm 119

Though I'd love to spend more than one post on this magnificent psalm, doing so would mess up my countdown. (As it stands right now, I will reach Psalm 1 on August 6.) And what happens when the countdown ends and you still haven't appeared? Let's not think about that...

Anyway, Psalm 119!


O how I love Thy holy Word,
Thy gracious covenant, O Lord!
It guides me in the peaceful way,
I think upon it all the day.

What are the mines of shining wealth,
The strength of youth, the bloom of health!
What are all joys compared with those
Thine everlasting Word bestows!

Long unafflicted, undismayed,
In pleasures path secure I strayed;
Thou mad’st me feel Thy chastening rod,
And strait I turned unto my God.

What though it pierced my fainting heart,
I bless Thine hand that caused the smart;
It taught my tears awhile to flow,
But saved me from eternal woe.

O! hadst Thou left me unchastised,
Thy precept I had still despised;
And still the snare in secret laid,
Had my unwary feet betrayed.

I love Thee therefore O my God,
And breathe towards Thy dear abode;
Where in Thy presence fully blest,
Thy chosen saints forever rest.

(William Cowper)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Psalm 120

Verse 1...
"In my distress I called to the Lord, and He answered me."

Ah yes, the Lord answered my distress in a mighty way over the last few days. One hour of sleep Sunday night, followed by two hours of sleep Monday night, and then this evening a big lecture presentation that was the fruition of my labors. So grateful for the Lord's strengthening hand upon me, and am encouraged to know that the end is in sight. (Next Monday is my thesis defense!)

Soli Deo gloria.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Psalm 121

This is one of the psalms I memorized as a child. Sadly, I can't quote it from memory these days... The psalter version that I always associate with this psalm is "Unto the Hills."


But in my recent obsession with all things Russian, I recently came upon a hauntingly beautiful rendition by Dmitry Bortniansky (1751-1825), his a cappella Choral Concerto No. 24 (I can't seem to embed the video directly, so follow the link).

My dear one, I don't know what difficulties you may be facing tonight. May the Lord strengthen you, encourage you, protect you, comfort you, guide you, and keep you ever in His love.

My passion for hymnody

My dear one,

My church recently switched hymnals -- something I was quite happy about. We are now singing from the Trinity Hymnal. Our pastors are gradually introducing to the congregation some of the classic hymns that weren't in the previous (inferior) hymnal. Well, tonight we sang "Abide with Me." I was at the piano, and I could tell that no one but I knew the hymn. So sad... Even the man leading the singing, who supposedly can read music, was fumbling for the correct pitches. As frustrating as it is for me to witness such ignorance, I am grateful that this church at least respects the heritage of great hymnody.


When I was getting my master's degree, the church I attended really knew how to sing, even as small as the congregation was. They sang in parts! I can still hear the pastor's voice on that glorious tenor line moment in the third phrase of "Abide with Me"... The beauty of this hymn makes me cry. 

Many things of beauty make me cry.

Someday the truth that I am loved by you will bring tears to my eyes. I'm sure of it.

Waiting,
Me

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Psalm 122

Verse 1...
I was glad when they said to me, 
“Let us go to the house of the Lord!"

Sundays are special. They feel different from the other days of the week. Sunday is the oasis in the desert wilderness of my week. I can't imagine not being in the Lord's house on Sunday!

Symphony night alone

My dear one,

I ran my four-mile route for the first time in a few weeks. All kinds of excuses had kept me away from it--the cool temperatures, my cold, my writing deadlines, and plain old laziness. It felt good to get out there again.

Speaking of the weather, I cannot believe my good fortune this spring. It has been delightfully, deliciously cool for much longer than I expected! Usually by this time in April the 80s are here to stay. I am soaking up every little bit of the coolness while it lasts.

I went to a concert this evening. I invited a friend along, but she had something else come up, so I went alone. The symphony orchestra is not the school one nor the local professional one with which I play frequently, but is in a nearby city (1.5 hours away). It's technically the top orchestra in the state. I have the privilege of attending their concerts for free (only paying for gas and parking), by invitation of the conductor. That's definitely something I'll miss when I move this summer!

The drive to and from the concert was perfect--blue skies on the way there, no humidity, and starry skies on the way back, wonderful cool breeze. Such a lovely day overall. I wish you could have enjoyed it with me.

Waiting,
Me

Psalm 123

Verse 2...
"Behold, as the eyes of servants
look to the hand of their master,
as the eyes of a maidservant
to the hand of her mistress,
so our eyes look to the LORD our God,
till He has mercy upon us."

I have no one else to look to for guidance and leadership. Well, I do have my parents, but it is hard when I am so far away to feel like they understand my feelings, needs, burdens, desires, struggles, questions. My eyes look to the Lord!

Friday, April 5, 2013

Surprises

My dear one,

I want to surprise you. I want your heart to skip a beat when you find some token of my love for you tucked away in your lunch. I want to try a new recipe I think you'll like. I want to catch your eye across a crowded room and smile shyly in response to yours. I want to send you books with my notes and underlinings for you to read. I want to explore new sounds, new sights, and new tastes with you. I want to dress up for a special occasion, just for you. I want to encourage you in small ways and big ways. I want to put my arms around you and kiss you on the cheek as you sit at your desk, weary with care, and whisper in your ear to assure you that you are my hero and I'll always be your girl.

Waiting for all this and more,
Me

P.S. I went to a rather enjoyable event this evening. I'd love to tell you all about it, but this is not the time and place, because if I revealed what kind of event it was (i.e., what I ate and listened to), I would totally be giving away my location (and potentially my identity, if one were a good detective), but I prefer to keep this blog anonymous for you, my dear one. Anyway, this type of event is only enjoyed seasonally, and in this state... that's all I'll say. Perhaps one day we can enjoy it together. :)

Psalm 124

I cannot read this psalm without the Scottish Psalter 2nd version running through my mind (listen to a friend's piano arrangement of the tune here)...
 
1   Now Israel may say, and that truly,
     If that the Lord had not our cause maintained,
2   If that the Lord had not our right sustained,
     When cruel men who us desired to slay
     Rose up in wrath, to make of us their prey;
3   Then certainly they had devoured us all,
     And swallowed quick, for ought that we could deem;
     Such was their rage, as we might well esteem.
4   And as fierce floods before them all things drown,
     So had they brought our soul to death quite down.
5   The raging streams, with their proud swelling waves,
     Had then our soul o'erwhelmed in the deep.
6   But blessed be God, Who doth us safely keep,
     And gave us not a living prey to be
     Unto their teeth and bloody cruelty.
7   E'en as a bird out of the fowler's snare
     Escapes away, so is our soul set free:
     Rent is their net, and thus escaped we.
8   Therefore our help is in the Lord's great name,
     Who heaven and earth by His great power did frame.

Psalm 125

Verse 4...
"Do good, O LORD, to those who are good, 
and to those who are upright in their hearts!"

Spurgeon:
"Those who trust in the Lord are good; for faith is the root of righteousness, and the evidence of uprightness. Faith in God is a good and upright thing, and its influence makes the rest of the man good and upright. To such God will do good: the prayer of the text is but another form of promise, for that which the Lord prompts us to ask He virtually promises to give."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Carinhoso

My dear one,

I grew up in a conservative home where dancing wasn't really something on the agenda, haha! These days I have occasionally engaged in a few varieties of dancing ... contradance and some basic salsa steps, mainly. Yet I've always held out the hope that someday you will teach me to slow-dance together in the privacy our home. Someday we will listen to this lovely music, dancing cheek to cheek. I don't speak more than a few phrases of Portuguese, but I do know that "Carinhoso" is one of my favorite Brazilian choros.


Portuguese itself is one of the most beautiful sung languages, in my opinion. Here is a vocal rendition of "Carinhoso" to prove my point. So soothing, so sensual...


Meu coração, não sei porque (My heart, I don't know why)
Bate feliz, quando te vê (Beats happily, when it sees you)
E os meus olhos ficam sorrindo (And my eyes are smiling)
E pelas ruas vão te seguindo (And through the streets they are following you)
Mas mesmo assim, foges de mim (Even though you run away from me)
Ah! Se tu soubesses (Ah! If only you knew)
Como sou tão carinhoso (How tender I am)
E muito e muito que te quero (And how much, how much I want you)
E como é sincero o meu amor (And how sincere is my love)
Eu sei que tu não fugirias mais de mim (I know that you would no longer run away from me)
Vem, vem, vem, vem (Come here, come, come, come)
Vem sentir o calor (Come and feel the heat)
Dos lábios meus (Of my lips)
À procura dos teus (Looking for yours)
Vem matar esta paixão (Come kill this passion)
Que me devora o coração (Which devours my heart)
E só assim então (And only then)
Serei feliz, bem feliz (Will I be happy, very happy)


Music by Pixinguinha, 1917
Lyrics by Braguinha, 1937

Waiting,
Me

Psalm 126

Verse 5...
"Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!"

It was three years ago, April 2010, that my decision to accept this doctoral teaching assistantship was made official. A decision accompanied by secret tears. A journey marked by many more tears. Almost three whole years of loneliness watered by tears. And now this final paper written through tears.

I don't know what sort of joyful harvest there could ever be to reap from these tears. I have never really wanted this degree. And the closer I draw to completing it, the more scared I become of what it will mean for my future. I'm so frightened that it will keep you, my dear one, away from me. That you will see me from a distance and note my achievements coolly, convinced that I am a career-driven feminist. That you will never get to know me well enough to learn that I want to be a godly wife. I want someone who will hold me in his arms, protect me, make me feel cherished, be someone for me to look up to and follow.

So why is God leading me down this path of loneliness and a professional career? What lesson am I missing that God is trying to teach me through this?


Jesus, draw me ever nearer as I labor through the storm.
You have called me to this passage, and I'll follow though I'm worn.

May this journey bring a blessing, may I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing, with Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus, guide me through the tempest; keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning, let me love You even more.

May the treasures of the trial form within me as I go.
And at the end of this long passage, let me leave them at Your throne.

-- Margaret Becker & Keith Getty

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

My daddy

My dear one,

Sometimes I wonder if you will be a little (or a lot) like my dad. I've heard it stated many a time that woman marry men that resemble their fathers. I have no doubt that, in matters of moral character and spiritual faith, you will indeed be like my dad.

But as far as personality goes, I guess I don't really care that much. Your personality and his could be as different as night and day.

But in case you're wondering what my father is like, here goes...

My father is a quiet humble man, a man who for thirty years served as a faithful shepherd of three small church "flocks." He has has stood courageously for the truth of God's Word and the holiness God proscribes for His people, despite the unpopularity of such a stand. 

I have witnessed my father being unjustly maligned by those he served yet without a harsh word or defensive spirit. I saw his shoulders heavy under the burdens of ministry. I observed the tears of grief and love he shed for the people he sought to lead. I saw the hours he spent training up eager disciples of Christ and the years he spent faithfully expositing Scripture from the pulpit.

I observed how God gently led him to a new ministry that removed him from the heavy weight that had been crushing him. I smile as I note how the people he now serves love him so dearly. Whether teaching Sunday School, mowing lawns, filling out work orders, sitting with a feeble man as his wife recovers from surgery, stepping in as an emergency plumber, singing in the church choir, moving furniture in triple-digit summer heat, fulfilling the role of a deacon, or starring in the Christmas play, he does so with the same servant's heart and humble spirit I have always known him to have. I rejoice to see the new health and vigor in my father's life, and find myself amused at his new hobbies of astronomy and jogging. I learn something new about my dad every day, it seems!

I have fond memories of watching my father sitting on the couch with his Bible and a cup of coffee, listening to classical music early in the morning as he prepared for his day. He would sing and pray with me at bedtime, and would read books and make up stories that were "to be continued" night after night. He would build magnificent campfires during our family's tenting vacations and toast marshmallows to perfection.

My father's love for us his children and his wise counsel to us over the years is something I treasure above all else. I am so thankful for his example and how he exhibits the qualities I now seek in a man who would be my husband. I pray that someday you will know and love my father too, not in a servile, sycophatic, toadying way, but as a friend and brother in Christ, a fellow student of God's Word, and as someone who wants God's best for me. Someday you will ask my father's permission to woo me. Someday you will ask my father for my hand in marriage. Someday...

Waiting,
Me

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Psalm 127

Verse 2...
"It is in vain that you rise up early 
and go late to rest, 
eating the bread of anxious toil; 
for he gives to his beloved sleep."

This evening I read a transcript of a sermon that Ligon Duncan preached on this psalm:
Apart from the Lord, apart from active dependence upon the Lord, apart from trust in the Lord, our lives are pointless, restless, and fruitless. This psalm appeals to three basic activities of life, to explain and apply the truth that we need to depend upon the Lord, that we need to deliberately trust the Lord in every aspect of our lives. The illustrations in this psalm revolve around construction (building a house), security (protecting a city), and parenting (rearing a family). And in those three spheres, Solomon charges us to trust God, to depend upon God, to recognize that all of our efforts will be in vain unless the Lord blesses.
William Plumer, the great Old Testament commentator and the author of a marvelous commentary on the Psalms, asked this searching question:  How many millions sleep and wake up like atheists? That is, do we go to bed and wake up in our worries as if God did not exist? Do we think that we can worry ourselves to security? Worry ourselves to fruitful labor as if God did not exist? Or do we work and then trust Him to establish the work of our hands?
What a needed reminder for me this evening! No amount of worry and anxiety is going to help me finish this degree, make a living, find a husband, or bring about any other objective I may have.

The Sweetest Sounds




The sweetest sounds I'll ever hear
  are still inside my head...
The kindest words I'll ever know
are waiting to be said...
The most entrancing sight of all
is yet for me to see...
And the dearest love in all the world
is waiting somewhere for me!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Psalm 128

Verses 1-4...
Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord,
who walks in his ways!
You shall eat the fruit of the labor of your hands;
you shall be blessed, and it shall be well with you.

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.

I cry over these words tonight, desperately pleading with the Lord to make this a reality in my life, that I would have a home like this someday.

Relationships

My dear one,

Two of my friends made announcements within a day of each other (an engagement last night, a new relationship this morning, and no, they're not April Fool's Day jokes). "Well, there are two more friends to hide from my newsfeed," I mutter. I find it so hard not to be bitter. The girl who announced this morning that she's now dating is someone I considered to be a kindred spirit. Every time I start developing a friendship with someone, she finds her special man and I am left to sit alone wondering if it will ever be my turn. No, it's not like she intentionally would snub me, but it's only natural that other relationships take a back seat once a girl falls in love.

Oh yes, I know this attitude of mine, this pity party, is most unattractive. You definitely would not approve. But you see, that's why I need you in my life, to spur me on ... further up and further in.

I don't know how much longer I can pretend you exist. Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Speaking of relationships, a third girl I know got married on Saturday, but is not changing her name. That is something that always bothers me. I can't imagine not changing my name! I would want more than anything to take your name as my own and wear it proudly, my dear one. My identity will be bound up with yours. But that can only be if you find me...

Waiting, for now...
Me

Psalm 129

Verses 4-5...
"The LORD is righteous; 
He has cut the cords of the wicked.
May all who hate Zion 
be put to shame and turned backward!"

It may appear as if the ungodly have the upper hand, but the Lord is righteous and true to His promises. He has cut the cords that formerly bound His people to be slaves of the enemy. Those who hate the church of Christ may seek to put Christians to shame, but one day they themselves will be put to shame. At the name of Jesus every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Stream of consciousness ramblings

My dear one,

This morning as I was getting ready for church, I was listening to Max McLean read Luke 24. This chapter gives me goosebumps every time. Especially the part about the men on the road to Emmaus. Wow.

At church I was scheduled to work in the nursery for the morning worship service, but I was pulled out to cover piano instead, because the usual pianist was out of town. I typically play only for the evening service. Piano was my first instrument -- my mom began teaching me when I was five or so. But when I added my "other instrument" at the age of nine, piano took somewhat of a secondary role. I am thankful to have that foundation in piano though, because it enables me to help out my small church, as well as other benefits like accompanying my students (at least on a basic level) and strengthening my theory skills (music theory has been my minor area of study throughout my doctoral coursework). 

Theory and analysis, by the way, plays a significant part in my paper, and I am so grateful for my wonderful minor professor who has made so many helpful suggestions. I've take a number of her seminar classes, and it is because of her that I found my research topic in the first place. I think she enjoyed having me in her classes because when I was at her office the other day she said, "You are one of the most memorable students I've taught here, and my only regret is that the theory department couldn't persuade you to switch your major." I wrote a LOT of analysis papers for her, so it's only fitting that she's now reading my thesis! :)

At our weekly church fellowship meal after the evening service, I was sitting across the table from two little boys, ages 5 and 6, who asked me questions non-stop: "Can you make yourself invisible? How old are you? What's fifteen thousand plus fifteen thousand? Do you like the red ink I drew on my nose?" I was amused.

I called my mom when I got home. "You sound tired," she said. Um, yeah, just a little... Tomorrow I think I'll sleep in. I overslept this morning and barely got to Sunday School on time. So much for a leisurely Sunday morning. At least they provide coffee before Sunday School. :) And there were oatmeal creme pies this morning too (leftover from the church camping trip I didn't go on...)! Score!


Goodnight, my someone, goodnight my love.
Sleep tight, my someone, sleep tight, my love.
Our star is shining its brightest light,
For goodnight, my love, for goodnight.
Sweet dreams be your, dear, if dreams there be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I they may and I wish they might.
Now goodnight, my someone, good night.
True love can be whispered from heart to heart
When lovers are parted, they say.
But I must depend on a wish and a star
As long as my heart doesn't know who you are.
Sweet dreams be your, dear, if dreams there be.
Sweet dreams to carry you close to me.
I wish I they may and I wish they might.
Now goodnight, my someone, goodnight.

(Meredith Willson's The Music Man)