Christmas Eve

My dear one,

Thinking of you on this balmy Christmas Eve. I enjoyed the annual tradition of watching the webcast of Tenth Presbyterian's Lessons and Carols with my parents, and am now sitting with the full moon in view. (Who knows, you could be looking at the moon right now too...)

Christmas Day will be quite low-key with my family this year, as always. One of my brothers arrives tomorrow after another Amazon shift, and a nice afternoon meal to share with my grandparents next door is in the works. Saturday may hold some family fun at the shooting range.

What traditions might you and I create together? Somehow I picture you wanting quiet and cozy -- nothing super-commercialized or materialistic. Perhaps with your family or mine, or maybe even off on our own.

But for this year, the mistletoe still awaits us... Pray for me, my dear one, as I do for you.

Waiting,
Your Evenstar

Social media: random current thoughts

My dear one, 

I've been quite tight-lipped on social media lately, feeling more and more that I don't fit the "mold," even in my Christian circles. I'm weary of being judged for my convictions, my decisions, my expectations. 


Just yesterday I "bit my virtual tongue" when one professional colleague posted a rant against holiday cards labeling her as her husband's property: 'To Mr. & Mrs. [John Smith].'" She claims to be a Christian and yet considers it "bad taste" and "gender-biased" to accept her husband's name. What I wanted to say was, "Dear [friend], may I offer you the traditional Christian view of this practice? The custom of taking the husband's name originated much earlier than English common law. In fact, God Himself initiated this pattern when He instituted marriage. 'Male and female created He them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created' (Genesis 5:2). It is not a statement about the wife being the husband's property, but rather an acknowledgement of the husband's headship within the marriage covenant. And furthermore, since a Christian marriage is a spiritual and physical union in the eyes of God, why should there be two names for one flesh?" I didn't say any of that... but perhaps I should have. It saddens me that, as a single person, I may be assumed to be a feminist who does not value or uphold the sanctity of marriage. Does my silence on the liberal views that cross my newsfeed imply my acceptance? Dear one, please know that for me to be your wife, will be to joyfully submit to your headship and honor your name. I'm eager for the day that I can show my friends that I accept and love this God-ordained order.

On the other end of the spectrum, another friend recently posted a tribute to his wife on their six-year anniversary, recounting the events leading to their marriage: "I was 31 years old, still single, and I felt like most of the ladies my age were already 'spoken for' or not interested in me. I earnestly desired to be married and had prayed many times for the Lord’s provision, but that door had been providentially closed different times in different ways. When [Jane] and I first started dating, my mother remarked a number of times, 'Here's this beautiful, godly, young lady who's been in school for a number of years. In all that time, how on earth did she not get snatched up by those guys over there?' My consistent response was, 'That's not hard to figure out, Mom. God had her saved for me.' Although I may have said that half-jokingly, I do believe that in God's perfect timing, He allowed [Jane] and me to minister in our single state for many years, but when the time was right, blessed us with the opportunity to minister together as one. I realize that God's long-term plan for some may be singleness (and in His plan, that can be a perfect path), but I would encourage the many single folks out there to be patient and wait on the Lord. His plan is perfect and His arm truly mighty to accomplish the desires of our hearts!" I sat there and cried for quite a while after reading that one, which proves that a resignation to God's will and the persistent yearnings for companionship are still doing battle in my heart. The Lord is continuing to teach me the lesson of "contentment in all things." I don't claim to have achieved that state as the Apostle Paul did ("I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content"), yet I'm growing in this journey of singleness as I uncover little by little what it means to "wait only upon God" (Psalm 62:5).

My prayers are ever for your strength, protection, and wisdom, my dear one. 
-- Your Evenstar

And the Lord will continually guide you,

And satisfy your desire in scorched places,

And give strength to your bones;

And you will be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

(Isaiah 58:11 NASB)

Restlessness

My dear one,

I'm feeling quite restless and confused these days. It would be a sweet mercy if I could just turn off my emotions and just productively plug away at my responsibilities. But no... my head and heart continue to battle -- so I am striving to cling to the verse that says, "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth." 

I pray that the Lord would enable you to make wise choices, enjoy edifying friendships, and follow in the narrow way that leads to life.

As ever, 

Your Evenstar

Whate’er pursuits my time employ,

One thought shall fill my soul with joy;

That silent, secret hope shall be,

That all my hopes are fixed on Thee.

(Jean-Frédéric Oberlin, trans. Lucy L. Wilson)

Autumn contemplations

My dear one, 

It's my favorite time of year. I love the bright blue skies of October, the leaden skies of November. I love the colors, smell, and crunch of the leaves. I love a steaming mug of spiced cider in my hands and a warm sweater wrapped around me.

Monday saw the deadline of a big project. I turned in my 427-page digital portfolio. Crossing my fingers that it passes the approval of my dean and the academic committee that is tasked with reviewing these kind of things. Approval would mean an advancement in rank and a pay increase. Someone asked me the other day if I was basking in my title of "Dr." Heavens, no! I still don't like using it. Still afraid it might keep you away from me, perhaps...

I am still fighting the battle for contentment in my singleness. Though my heart continues to whisper hope concerning one acquaintance, my head is becoming more insistent in its warnings of No. 

Why is it that men are generally either spineless or self-important? (And sometimes both!) I acknowledge the fact that there are outliers -- those rare instances of a gentleman who is walking with the Lord and humbly serving those around him -- and I ask the Lord in such weak faith whether I could ever be worthy of such a one. Worthy of you, my dear one.

O let my trembling soul be still, 

While darkness veils this mortal eye, 

And wait Thy wise and holy will, 

Though wrapped in fears and mystery: 

I cannot, Lord, Thy purpose see; 

Yet all is well since ruled by Thee! 

When, mounted on Thy clouded car, 

Thou send’st Thy darker spirits down, 

I can discern Thy light afar, 

Thy light sweet beaming through their frown; 

And, should I faint a moment, then 

I think of Thee, and smile again. 

So, trusting in Thy love, I tread 

The narrow path of duty on; 

What though some cherished joys are fled? 

What though some flattering dreams are gone? 

Yet purer, nobler joys remain, 

And peace is won through conquered pain. 

(John Bowring)

Taken from a moonroof before the camera could properly focus,
but I'm liking the impressionistic effect...

Tears for you

My dear one, 

A few tears are falling down my cheeks as I think about you and pray for you this evening. I don't know how long I will have to wait for you ... but this I know: it will be worth it. Some may think the reason I am waiting so long is that my expectations are too high. That can't be the reason, for I have known two acquaintances that fit those "expectations." It's simple, really -- act justly ... love faithfulness ... walk humbly with your God.

And if you are praying for me, I would ask that you pray for my heart, because I desperately need to keep my focus on the Lord in this season of loneliness.

As I drove through my favorite mountains this afternoon, I thought of how lovely it would be to be enjoying those views with you. What would our conversations be like if we were riding together along that beautiful stretch of road? Someday, my dear one...

With prayers and tears, 
Your Evenstar

Thoughts for you on a Friday night

My dear one, 

Did I really expect to find you sometime during that long Psalm series I just finished? Something in me says yes, that's why I stretched it out for so long. But then another part of me chides such foolishness, realizing that there are fewer and fewer good men in my generation. It makes me sick to think that many of the supposedly respectable leaders and "family men" out there are deceptive hypocrites, as the news media seems delighted to report on a regular basis. All I can do is pray the harder for you, darling. May you seek the mind of Christ in all aspects of your life -- your relationships, your responsibilities, your recreation.

On a lighter note, I'm excited that the weekend is here. This was my first week "back at the salt mines," but it was a productive one. My alarm was set for 4:30am every day -- giving me time to get to the gym and have a time of Bible reading and prayer before work. The only thing that has been missing in my morning routine is my coffee, for I quit recently. Alas, it leaves such a hole in my life...! But I don't miss the dependence, nor the headache if I skipped a day, nor the pressure on my budget caused by my preference for "organic/free-trade."

My alarm is set even earlier for tomorrow morning, because I have hiking/biking plans in my favorite local national park!! I call it my "backyard." Someday I'd love to have you along to explore with me -- oh how I long to hike with you, to know that your strong hand is there to help me up those steep cliffs, to enjoy the beautiful mountain vistas with you...

So with those most pleasant thoughts to take the place of bitter recent ruminations, I bid you good-night, my dear one.

Praying for you, 
Your Evenstar

The gospel according to the Psalms

The Psalms are full of gospel truth! In these songs written by Old Testament believers, we see--

• Confession of sin: "There is none righteous, no, not one" (14:1).
• Conviction of guilt and demerit: "If Thou, LORD, shouldest mark iniquity, O Lord, who shall stand?" (130:4,7).
• Fear of God's righteous judgment: "Rebuke me not in Thine anger, neither chasten me in Thy hot displeasure" (6:1).
• A sense of inevitable condemnation on the ground of God's Law: "Enter not into judgment with Thy servant, for in Thy sight shall no man living be justified" (143:2).
• The earnest cry for undeserved mercy: "Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Thy loving-kindness; according unto the multitude of Thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions" (51:1).
• Faith in His revealed character as the just God and the Saviour: "Good and upright is the LORD; therefore will He teach sinners in the way" (25:8).
• Hope of pardon, resting on a propitiation; for "with the LORD there is mercy, and with Him is plenteous redemption" (130:7).
• The pleading of God's name, or the glory of all His perfections: "For Thy name's sake, O LORD, pardon mine iniquity, for it is great" (25:11).
• Joy and peace in believing; for "blessed is the people that know the joyful sound: they shall walk, O LORD, in the light of Thy countenance; in Thy name shall they rejoice all the day" (89:15-16).
• A trust in God and the faithfulness of His promises: "I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever; with my mouth will I make known Thy faithfulness to all generations; for mercy shall be built up for ever, Thy faithfulness shalt Thou establish in the very heavens" (89:1-2).
• A trust in the Saviour of sinners: "Kiss the Son, lest He be angry, and ye perish from the way: blessed are all they that put their trust in Him" (2:12).
• A confidence in another righteousness than their own: "Behold, O God our shield, and look upon the face of Thine Anointed" (84:9).
• Patient, persevering, hopeful waiting upon God: "My soul, wait thou only upon God, for my expectation is from Him; He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before Him: God is a refuge for us" (62:5-8).

(These points are taken from James Buchanan, The Doctrine of Justification.)

Psalm 1

Verses 1-3...

Blessed is the man 

   who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, 

nor stands in the way of sinners,
   nor sits in the seat of scoffers; 

but his delight is in the law of the LORD, 

   and on His law he meditates day and night. 

He is like a tree 

   planted by streams of water 

that yields its fruit in its season,
    and its leaf does not wither. 

In all that he does, he prospers.

And thus I reach the end of what ended up being more of a drawn-out series than I anticipated. Countdown of the 150 psalms over the course of 2.5 years... 

On 3/11/13, I wrote to "my dear one":

I know of several couples who have read through the 150 psalms backwards as a countdown as they anticipate their wedding. But what if I used the psalms as a countdown right now, starting with Psalm 150 and believing that the Lord would bring you into my life before I reach Psalm 1?

Well, here I am, having finally reached Psalm 1 -- wondering when I'll meet you, my dear one. In my prayers I continue to hope, but still find no answers from the Lord.

The Lord bless you and keep you! 

Ever hoping, 

Your Evenstar

Psalm 2

Verses 2, 4, 12b...

The kings of the earth set themselves,
   and the rulers take counsel together,
   against the Lord, and against His Anointed...
[but] He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh:
   the Lord shall have them in derision...
Blessed are all they that put their trust in Him.

Thankful that we have a King whose victory over sin, death, and evil is certain and unassailable. "My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness!"

Did we in our own strength confide,

Our striving would be losing;

Were not the right Man on our side,

The Man of God's own choosing.

Dost ask who that may be?

Christ Jesus, it is He;

Lord Sabaoth, His name,

From age to age the same,

And He must win the battle.

(Martin Luther)

Psalm 3

Verses 1-3... 

O Lord, how many are my foes!
   Many are rising against me;
many are saying of my soul,
   there is no salvation for him in God. Selah.
But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,
   my glory, and the lifter of my head. 

Good words for my fainting heart... The Lifter of my head gives needed strength today.

Psalm 4

Verse 8...

In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
   for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
Spurgeon: "He that hath the wings of God above him needs no other curtain. Better than bolts or bars is the protection of the Lord."

Thus with my thoughts composed to peace,

I'll give mine eyes to sleep;

Thy hand in safety keeps my days,

And will my slumbers keep.

(Isaac Watts)

Psalm 5

Verses 11-12... 

But let all who take refuge in You rejoice;
   let them ever sing for joy,
and spread Your protection over them,
   that those who love Your name may exult in You.
For You bless the righteous, O LORD;
   You cover him with favor as with a shield.

C. H. Spurgeon:

The eternal God is the well-spring of our bliss. We love God, and therefore we delight in him. Our heart is at ease in our God. We fare sumptuously every day because we feed on him. We have music in the house, music in the heart, and music in heaven, for the Lord Jehovah is our strength and our song; he also is become our salvation.

Jehovah has ordained his people the heirs of blessedness, and nothing shall rob them of their inheritance. With all the fulness of his power he will bless them, and all his attributes shall unite to satiate them with divine contentment. Nor is this merely for the present, but the blessing reaches into the long and unknown future. "Thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous." This is a promise of infinite length, of unbounded breadth, and of unutterable preciousness.

Psalm 6

Verse 9...

The LORD hath heard my supplication;
   the LORD will accept my prayer.

C. H. Spurgeon:

Here is past experience used for future encouragement: He hath, He will.Assured confidence is no idle dream, for when the Holy Ghost bestows it upon us, we know its reality, and could not doubt it, even though all men should deride our boldness.

Psalm 7

Verse 17...

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to His righteousness, 

   and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

C. H. Spurgeon:

Praise is the occupation of the godly, their eternal work, and their present pleasure. Singing is the fitting embodiment for praise, and therefore do the saints make melody before the Lord Most High.

William Dyer:

To bless God for mercies is the way to increase them; to bless him for miseries is the way to remove them: no good lives so long as that which is thankfully improved; no evil dies so soon as that which is patiently endured.

Psalm 8

O LORD, our Lord, 

   how majestic is Your name in all the earth! 

You have set Your glory above the heavens. 

   Out of the mouth of babies and infants, 

You have established strength because of Your foes, 

   to still the enemy and the avenger. 

When I look at Your heavens, the work of your fingers, 

   the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, 

what is man that You are mindful of him, 

   and the son of man that You care for him? 

Yet You have made him a little lower than the heavenly beings 

   and crowned him with glory and honor. 

You have given him dominion over the works of your hands; 

   You have put all things under his feet, 

all sheep and oxen, 

   and also the beasts of the field, 

the birds of the heavens, and the fish of the sea, 

   whatever passes along the paths of the seas. 

O LORD, our Lord, 

   how majestic is Your name in all the earth! 

Matthew Poole:

It is a great question among interpreters, whether this Psalm speaks of man in general, and of the honour which God puts upon him in his creation; or only of the man Christ Jesus. Possibly both may be reconciled and put together, and the controversy if rightly stated, may be ended, for the scope and business of this Psalm seems plainly to be this: to display and celebrate the great love and kindness of God to mankind, not only in His creation, but especially in His redemption by Jesus Christ, whom, as He was man, He advanced to the honour and dominion here mentioned, that He might carry on His great and glorious work. So Christ is the principal subject of this Psalm, and it is interpreted of Him, both by our Lord Himself (Matthew 21:16), and by His holy apostle (1 Corinthians 15:27; Hebrews 2:6,7).

Psalm 9

Verses 7-10... 

But the LORD sits enthroned forever; 

   He has established His throne for justice, 

and He judges the world with righteousness; 

   He judges the peoples with uprightness. 

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, 

   a stronghold in times of trouble. 

And those who know Your name put their trust in You, 

   for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You.

If we know this to be true, how can we not live like it is true?!

On my favorite porch

My dear one,

The picture above is my view from the porch swing as I sit drinking my pomegranate green tea and listening to the birds on this lazy afternoon. I'm visiting friends, and I love the spirit of calm that permeates this place, even amidst the daily struggles and problems that arise (flight delays, under-the-sink leaks, and daughter-in-law's pregnancy complications, to name the few I've witnessed while visiting). This morning I was reminded how refreshing it is to simply sit in silence with my Bible in the early hours -- no music (save that of the birds), no bright screens, no hurrying... 

I would point to this home as an excellent example of the currently-trending "Slow" lifestyle. It motivates me to continue that pursuit myself, to say "No" to the junk in our culture (possessions, food, media/entertainment, etc.). Truly this family has been one of God's rich blessings to me as I've gotten to know them over the last eleven years. It is my prayer that when I meet you, I will feel the same way about your family. The husband and wife are the picture of a godly, grace-filled marriage. They have raised three of the finest boys I've ever known (sadly, they're all taken, so none of them is you). You would hit it off with them smashingly well, I'm sure!

Praying for you always, 
Your Evenstar

Psalm 10

Verses 16-18...

The LORD is king forever and ever; 

   the nations perish from His land. 

O LORD, You hear the desire of the afflicted; 

   You will strengthen their heart; 

You will incline your ear 

   to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, 

   so that man who is of the earth may strike terror no more.

Spurgeon:

Notice how the Psalmist puts this fact—“Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble.” David does not say, “You have heard the prayer of the humble.” He means that, but he also means a great deal more. Sometimes we have desires that we cannot express—they are too big, too deep—we cannot clothe them in language. At other times we have desires which we dare not express—we feel too bowed down, we see too much of our own unworthiness to be able to venture near the Throne of God to utter our desires—but the Lord hears the desire when we cannot or dare not turn it into the actual form of a prayer. I know you have sometimes said, “I wish I could pray like So-and-So.” Often you have thought, “If I could only put a great many beautiful sentences together into goodly shape, then I might be heard.” Do not talk so foolishly! If you cannot put two words together correctly, if your desire is right, God will hear the desire—
“Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire,
Uttered or unexpressed.”
Prayer is not in the expression or the non-expression—prayer is the soul’s sincere desire. The very heart of prayer is in the desire—the essence of the whole matter, the kernel of the nut—is the desire of the heart, not the utterance of the lips. Words without the desire are mere empty husks, but the desire, even without words, is sweet to God, and He accepts it. Can you catch the blessedness of this thought? I say again, before your desire takes a shape in which language could cover it, God will hear it!

Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire, 

Unuttered or expressed; 

The motion of a hidden fire 

That trembles in the breast. 

Prayer is the burden of a sigh, 

The falling of a tear; 

The upward glancing of an eye, 

When none but God is near. 

It is the simplest form of speech 

That infant lips can try; 

Prayer, the sublimest strains that reach 

The Majesty on high. 

Prayer is the contrite sinner’s voice, 

Returning from his ways, 

While angels in their songs rejoice 

And cry, “Behold, he prays!”

Prayer is the Christian’s vital breath, 

The Christian’s native air, 

His watchword at the gates of death; 

He enters Heav’n with prayer. 

The saints in prayer appear as one

In word, in deed, and mind,

While with the Father and the Son

Sweet fellowship they find.

No prayer is made by man alone, 

The Holy Spirit pleads, 

And Jesus, on th’eternal throne, 

For sinners intercedes. 

O Thou by Whom we come to God, 

The Life, the Truth, the Way, 

The path of prayer Thyself hast trod: 

Lord, teach us how to pray. 

(James Montgomery)

How I pray for you today

My dear one, 

I wish you could know that I'm praying for you. And not just a generic prayer. I have a list, you should know!

--Your spiritual development: wisdom, courage, humility, purity, endurance, contentment. 
--Your intellectual pursuits: personal development, education. 
--Your financial concerns: staying out of debt, career, housing. 
--Your musical endeavors: competitions, auditions, performances, new experiences, opportunities to broaden your horizons. (Over the years I have made several guesses as to who you might be. But I have always been wrong. One feeling I can't seem to shake is that you are a musician ... hence my prayers for your musical endeavors.)

And of course I pray that the Lord will lead you in my direction. :) 

Until then, 
Your Evenstar

Psalm 11

Verses 3-5...
If the foundations are destroyed, 

   what can the righteous do? 

The LORD is in His holy temple; 

   the LORD's throne is in heaven; 

   His eyes see, His eyelids test the children of man. 

The LORD tests the righteous, 

   but His soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Everywhere I turn my head, I hear or see of more perversion, injustice, or tragedy. This generation seems to have taken wickedness to a new level. Or perhaps it's just that the media has such an unprecedented presence in our lives. At any rate, it certainly feels like "the foundations are destroyed."

"BUT GOD..."

God is on the throne! He will not let one sin go unpunished. Which makes me so thankful that I wear the robes of Christ's righteousness!

Psalm 12

Verses 2 & 6...

Everyone utters lies to his neighbor;
    with flattering lips and a double heart they speak.
The words of the LORD are pure words,
   like silver refined in a furnace on the ground,
   purified seven times.

I sit on my tiny balcony tonight, looking at the bright full moon. This is the same moon seen by God's people throughout thousands of years. And the words He spoke to them so long ago, pure and trustworthy, are the greatest treasure I can ever hold in my hands. The world around us spews forth godless decrees, damaging lies, and foolish drivel, but God's Word stands forever!

Psalm 13

Verses 1-3... 

How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
   How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
   and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
   light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death.

Lord, unless I am able to enjoy a divine perspective on my situation, I am as good as dead -- lighten my eyes!

Isaian 50:10...
Let him who walks in the dark,
   who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
   and rely on his God

Psalm 13:5-6... 

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
   my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
   because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 14

Verses 2-3...
The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man, 

   to see if there are any who understand, 

   who seek after God. 

They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; 

   there is none who does good, 

   not even one.

God created man and woman for communion with Himself, but because of Adam and Eve's disobedience, no one by nature seeks after God. They seek the satisfaction and fulfillment that only God can give, but they look in all the wrong places. How great and glorious is the gospel news that Christ provides the way back to God!

Psalm 15

O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? 

   Who shall dwell on your holy hill? 

He who walks blamelessly and does what is right 

     and speaks truth in his heart; 

who does not slander with his tongue 

   and does no evil to his neighbor, 

   nor takes up a reproach against his friend; 

in whose eyes a vile person is despised, 

   but who honors those who fear the LORD; 

who swears to his own hurt and does not change; 

who does not put out his money at interest 

   and does not take a bribe against the innocent. 

He who does these things shall never be moved.

Spurgeon:

"Who shall be admitted to be one of the household of God, to sojourn under His roof and enjoy communion with Himself? ... Who shall be a citizen of Zion, and an inhabitant of the heavenly Jerusalem? ... In perfection this holiness is found only in the Man of Sorrows, but in a measure it is wrought in all His people by the Holy Ghost."

Old letters

My dear one,

As I was going through some old file folders in my ongoing project of decluttering, I ran across some journal pages of letters to you. Here I preserve them digitally...

November 26, 2006
     This season of my life is a challenging one, and I am constantly having to look to Scripture for reminders of my goals.
     "I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14). [The very same verse that I referenced in this morning's Psalm post!]
     "...The woman who is unmarries, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit..." (1 Corinthians 7:34). It is my goal to be entirely devoted to God especially during this time in which I have relatively few distractions.
     "That I may know Him..." (Philippians 3:10). That I may be fully acquainted with His nature, His character, His work, and with the salvation which He has wrought.
     I want to choose that "good part" that Mary chose. My Christ teach me as I sit at His feet!

January 11, 2007
     New semester of teaching, new worries! Since I returned to [place of teaching], I've been anxious about my obligation to get my doctorate, and the recent news of [a colleague's] plan to leave escalates those anxieties!
     I don't think my parents realize how scared and vulnerable I feel living on my own. I can't help but wish I could have the comfort and security of marriage when I go back to school. Yet nobody I talk to seems to think that marriage and schooling mix well.
     It's almost as if those little stories I wrote at the age of five were prophetic. The little fawn decided to go out "into the world" and got lost and no one could find him. The End. Slightly hopeless, wouldn't you say?
     I shouldn't feel hopeless, because of my omniscient Heavenly Father. O for grace to trust Him more!

February 5, 2007
     It has been good for me to have a roommate again. It shows me what a selfish person I can be! Speaking of selfishness, my entry on Jan. 11th was quite self-centered. A marriage is not about security, but about service and sacrifice. And I'm not even doing enough of that now, with the relationships God has placed in my life.

April 7, 2007
Nine ways to win my heart:
- Cook my favorite meal
- Share with me what the Lord teaches you
- Use good manners
- Speak a foreign language
- Share your favorite books and music with me
- Sing to me (how about Schumann's "Widmung"?)
- Say my name
- Be comfortable with silence at times
- Smile

July 11, 2007
     From The Journals of Jim Elliot:

Genesis 39 -- Thrice in this chapter it is stated of Joseph that "Jehovah was with him." Not only so, but Potiphar saw that "Jehovah was with hime," for whatever this man put his hand to, prospered. Lord, I know Thou art with me, but I fear that because my life is barrent for Thee so much of the time, that You gain little glory from being with me. I pray Thee, make my way prosperous, not that I achieve high station, but that my life might be an exhibit to the value of knowing God. Vindicate Thyself through me.

     When I read those words this evening, I echoed that prayer of Jim Elliot - for myself, and also for you. May God be with you and make your way prosper, for His honor and glory!

July 17, 2007
     More convicting words from the pen of Jim Elliot:

Deuteronomy 8 -- I see this morning afresh my God's love for me in His earnest desire to see me prosper. As a father chasteneth his son, so He me. "He suffered thee to hunger that He might prove thee" (vv. 2, 3). His Word is given that I might live (1 Pet. 1:23), multiply (John 15:16), and possess (Heb. 10:34). Simply to have life is not all God purposes for me - but I know nothing of multiplication. I am still only a living soul. God make of me a quickening spirit.

August 9, 2007
     In my progress through the M'Cheyne Bible reading plan, one of the passages I'm currently reading is the Book of Ruth.
     Ruth was serving her widowed mother-in-law when God blessed her. If she had chosen to wallow in self-pity about her circumstances, she would not have been out gleaning wheat, where Boaz took notice of her. Likewise Rebekah was going about her daily chores when Abraham's servant used her service as a guide to find Isaac a wife.
     These women were found involved in their daily routines. It was while doing the mundane that God chose to bless them and give them the desire of their heart.
     So instead of waiting for life to "start" at marriage, I should live God's plan for my present. Like Ruth and Rebekah, I must cheerfully go about doing what needs to be done and be an encouragement to those around me.
     Some of my ongoing projects include:
- studying God's Word with the goal of being edified, instructed, and challenged.
- training in the discipline of prayer.
- clothing myself with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit.
- casting from myself any outside influence that is unprofitable and unedifying.
- endeavoring to do my future husband good and not evil, including the vow to remain pure (physically, emotionally, mentally).
- becoming more skillful in areas of homekeeping (such as cooking and budgeting)

August 11, 2007
     God doesn't want me to know now what I will face in the future. He doesn't want me to know if this dream or that dream will come to fruition exactly as I expect. (It probably won't. I've already experienced several several disallusionments...)
     Why? Is it because He takes delight in watching me suffer in uncertainty? No. He withholds future knowledge for my own good. For one thing, I probably wouldn't lead a very peaceful life if I knew every trial I'll ever face and had plenty of time to worry in advance. (Knowing me, I definitely would.) But more to the point, God wants my trust. He wants me to say, "Yes, Lord, I trust You. Even though I can't see how on earth You're going to fulfill this dream You've given me. Even though becoming like You seems impossible. Even though I have no idea where my life is going, I trust You with it."
     If some aspects of my future and of God's nature were not mysteries, where would exist the opportunity for faith? What function would it serve? It would be useless and unnecessary. But God has put such a high value on faith, saying that "without faith it is impossible to please Him." God made faith a vital element. Of course He isn't going to deny me the opportunity of using it!
     The outcome of my life will be the sweeter for my lack of foreknowledge. In time current confusions will fade, and when my life is at an end, I will be able to look back and see the puzzle fully assembled.

August 24, 2007
     I'm curled up on the couch, enjoying some hazelnut-creme decaf and a warm chocolate cherry muffin, listening to "A Quiet Heart." My heart is far from quiet though. As if my loneliness wasn't enough, I'm now agonizing over the fact that the new semester is here. To say I'm excited about the year couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't think of one thing I'm looking forward to. Is life always going to be like this for me? What's wrong with my relationship with the Lord, that I should experience such discontent? I certainly don't deserve any kind of earthly relationship.
     In Jim Elliot's journal he included the following quote:

And shouldst Thou ask me to resign
What most I prize -- it ne'er was mine,
I only give Thee what is Thine --
Thy will be done.

September 14, 2007
     I want so dearly to be worthy of you! Whenever I stop to consider someone I esteem and regard highly, I can't help but think... "Oh, but I am not the least bit worthy of his consideration!" Will I ever experience the awe at being chosen, the disbelief at being pursued, the thrill of being cherished?

September 17, 2007
     I've been praying for you this evening. Searching for the right words... Ephesians 3 jumped out as a model: "That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen."

September 29, 2007
     When I came to Psalm 80:17 in my Bible reading this morning, I thought to myself, "Yes! This is what I have been praying for 'my dear one'!" Now... I do know that in the context Asaph is referring to a Deliverer, the Messiah, but cannot I ask the Lord's blessing on you? "Let Your hand be upon the man of Your right hand, upon the son of man whom You made strong for Yourself." May God strengthen you in the work He has for you!

November 24, 2007
     I have been enjoying a leisurely Thanksgiving break. The solitude does get monotonous at times, but it also offers uninterrupted seasons of Bible study and prayer. Ever since my getaway two weeks ago, I have sensed a spiritual refreshment that I've long needed. It's wonderful how God uses His servants to edify one another. I want that ministry of encouragement to characterize my life always!

May 3, 2008
I hear music when I look at you; 
A beautiful theme of every dream I ever knew. 
Down deep in my heart I hear it play. 
I feel it start, then melt away. 
I alone have heard this lovely strain, 
I alone have heard this glad refrain. 
Must it be forever inside of me? 
Why can't I let it go? 
Why can't I let you know? 
Why can't I let you know the song my heart would sing? 
That beautiful rhapsody of love and youth and spring, 
The music is sweet, the words are true, 
The song is you.
(Oscar Hammerstein)

June 23, 2008
     Last week I found a Psalm that has stuck with me constantly since - I think of you when I read it...
Praise ye the LORD. 
Blessed is the man that feareth the LORD, 
That delighteth greatly in His commandments. 
His seed shall be mighty upon the earth: 
The generation of the upright shall be blessed. 
Wealth and riches shall be in his house: 
And his righteousness endureth for ever. 
Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness: 
He is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous. 
A good man sheweth favour, and lendeth: 
He will guide his affairs with discretion. 
Surely he shall not be moved for ever: 
The righteous shall be in everlasting remembrance. 
He shall not be afraid of evil tidngs: 
His heart is fixed, trusting in the LORD. 
His heart is established, he shall not be afraid, 
Until he sees his desire upon his enemies. 
He hath dispersed, he hath given to the poor; 
His righeousness endureth for ever; 
His horn shall be exalted with honour. 
The wicked shall see it, and be grieved; 
He shall gnash with his teeth, and melt away: 
The desire of the wicked shall perish.
(Psalm 112)

     Those words remind me too of verses I read yesterday in Deuteronomy 28: "The LORD shall establish thee an holy people unto Himself, as He hath sworn unto thee, if thou shalt keep the commandments of theh LORD thy God, and walk in His ways. And all the peoples of the earth shall see that thou art called by the name of the LORD; and they shall be afraid of thee."
     May we live in such a way so as to do nothing to detract from the honor due the Lord!

July 5, 2008
     I really needed to read what I did in A. W. Pink's The Life of David this morning (chapter 14). It reminded me that God so orders His providences as to try our hearts and make manifest what is in them.
     When events transpire which seem to show that it is God's will for me to take a certain step, and things appear to point plainly in that direction, it may only be God trying my heart. When my desires are really set upon a particular object or course, it is a simple thing for me to misinterpret the events of Providence and jump to a wrong conclusion.
     So what am I supposed to do?? It is essential that I have an accurate knowledge of God's Word, a holy state of heart (wherein self is judged, and its natural longings mortified), a broken will -- so I can more clearly discern the path of duty. I must deny all suggestions of ambition and impatience.
     I have myself a current trial of faith and patience, and must treat it as an occasion to practice self-denial. "He that believeth shall not make haste" (Isaiah 28:16). "Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass... Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him" Psalm 37:5,7). O for grace to do so; but such grace has to be definitely, diligently, and daily sought for.

August 22, 2008
     I observed a tender scene this evening that really warmed my heart. In fact, it was so touching that it brought tears to my eyes. Maybe this scene will one day be replayed in our home... a little on of your own in your arms...

September 21, 2008
     In church today, I wrote on the back of my sermon notes page:
Lord, I can't imagine how this desire could not be from You. If it is not, please remove it from me. And if it is, teach me what to do with it!

October 16, 2008
     The Lord has confirmed to me who you are not. I feel so empty of hope. I feel ashamed for ever assuming I knew you.

July 9, 2009
   A thought: could it possibly be that you, even now, write thoughts for me to read someday, as I write these letters to you? I love the written word -- I feel I can use it more fluently than spoken word. Please never judge my intelligence by my speech.

July 18, 2009
   I so long for regular opportunities for meaningful, stimulating conversation such as I enjoyed tonight! I have always been a quiet person, but I pray that God would give me a mate to whome I can really talk! Not just meaningless chatter, which quickly tires me.

Psalm 16

Verse 11...
You make known to me the path of life; 

   in Your presence there is fullness of joy; 

   at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

This verse gives me encouragement to "press on toward the mark of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." I know I've quoted this Anna L. Waring hymn before, but these words are so fitting here:

My hope I cannot measure, my path to life is free.

My Saviour has my treasure, and He will walk with me.

Psalm 17

Verse 15...

As for me, I shall behold Your face in righteousness;
   when I awake, I shall be satisfied with Your likeness.

This verse speaks of the complete satisfaction everyone was designed to crave. Adam and Eve knew something of this treasure in the Garden of Eden before the Fall. We catch glimpes of this bliss on our earthly journey. But not until our eternity of glory, when we see our Lord face to face, will we completely comprehend the majesty and worth of Christ!