I'm back home from my travels, just in time to see in the new year. I restocked my refrigerator and pantry and washed my car this morning. My Christmas tree lights are lit, and I plan to leave the tree up until Friday. The "12 days of Christmas" give me some extra time to savor the beauty of this season. I actually have some other white lights strung up in my apartment that remain year-round and add to the cozyiness factor... like the Danish concept of hygge.
My time with family went fairly smoothly. It's heartbreaking to see how much my grandfather's health and strength has deteriorated since I last visited. He couldn't be getting any better care though -- my grandmother and parents are lovingly meeting all his needs at home. My grandparents have been married for 63 years and are truly an example of a loving, godly couple. I was thrilled that that one of my brothers was there for a part of the time; we had fun shooting and cleaning our guns together. When we video-chatted with my other brother and his wife, they shared the news that they're expecting their first little one in August. The Lord blessed them with a new house, and now this... To be honest, I just want to cry when I see God's goodness in the lives of my family and friends and yet feel such a lack in that area of my own life.
True confession: Throughout November and December I surreptitiously experimented with an online dating website... but quickly learned that it's not for me. And in some ways that is a very discouraging realization, for I must acknowledge that it will take a true miracle for you to find me. It would be all too easy for me to lower my standards out of desperation if I continued to participate on a dating site, and that would be a lack of faith in God's sovereignty... like Abraham doubting God's promise of a son and agreeing to Sarah's suggestion of Hagar. I am called to "lean not on my own understanding, but to acknowledge the Lord in all my ways" -- which I have to pray for daily strength to do!
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
But on the whole it's a good thing for me to have refined my mental list of "non-negotiables." Perhaps it's not only a mental list, for here it is for anyone to see:- Demonstrates a clear articulation of the gospel and has a strong personal testimony.
- Possesses spiritual maturity and discernment.
- Affirms the doctrines of grace.
- Serves at and attends faithfully a conservative, Christ-proclaiming local church.
- Challenges me to a deeper relationship with the Lord.
- Chooses friends wisely.
- Does not play around with worldly pursuits (e.g.,, alcohol, drugs, smoking, gambling, public dancing, movie theaters, rock music).
- Is committed to moral purity (both his and mine) and holds the marriage covenant as sacred.
- Possesses good communication skills (both written and spoken).
- Evidences responsibility and a good work ethic.
- Has a vision for his life and is actively pursuing his goals for God's glory.
Is that so unreasonable?? I separate those "non-negotiables" from my preferred "wants," knowing that you, my dear one, will meet the above criteria. But here are the "wants" that I still pray about, not knowing what you might be like beyond those qualities...
- Is quiet and serious most of the time (not flippantly giddy and silly).
- Is self-sufficient (not clingy/needy).
- Possesses above-average musical talents (pleasing voice, piano skills).
- Is physically fit/healthy.
- Enjoys hiking and other outdoor activities.
- Dresses himself smartly yet unostentatiously.
I feel ready -- excited even -- for the new year. This past year I received a promotion to associate professor, had some wonderful performance opportunities, and learned more about myself. It has always been my prayer that music would not consume my entire life to the point where I stop enjoying music "because it's what I have to do for a living." At times that has been a challenge: being in academia circles, I often find myself reluctantly agreeing to more and more responsibilities "because I need them for my professional CV and annual review." But by and large, I've been able to keep some sort of balance, carving out time for other ministry opportunities (teaching a 4/5-year-old Sunday School class, volunteering at a juvenile detention group home, cooking meals for college students...). And when I'm able to slip away on a Saturday to hit a hiking trail, I always return recharged and reinvigorated for the next busy week of practicing, teaching, and pouring into the lives of "my kids." I hiked over 100 miles this year!
What will this next year hold? Will I find you? I pray for you and wish God's best for you wherever you are...
All my love,
Your Evenstar
...
O Lord of the oceans,
My little bark sails on a restless sea,
Grant that Jesus may sit at the helm and steer me safely.
Suffer no adverse currents to divert my heavenward course;
Let not my faith be wrecked amid storms and shoals;
Bring me to harbor with flying pennants,
hull unbreached, cargo unspoiled.
I ask great things,
expect great things,
shall receive great things.
I venture on thee wholly, fully,
my wind, sunshine, anchor, defense.
The voyage is long, the waves high, the storms pitiless,
but my helm is held steady,
thy Word secures safe passage,
thy grace wafts me onward,
my haven is guaranteed.
This day will bring me nearer home.
Grant me holy consistency in every transaction,
my peace flowing as a running tide,
my righteousness as every chasing wave.
Help me to live circumspectly,
with skill to convert every care to prayer.
Halo my path with gentleness and love,
smooth every asperity of temper;
let me not forget how easy it is to occasion grief;
may I strive to bind up every wound,
and pour oil on all troubled waters.
May the world this day be happier and better because I live.
Let my mast before me be the Saviour’s cross,
and every oncoming wave the fountain of his side.
Help me, protect me in the moving sea
until I reach the shore of unceasing praise.
Amen.
(From The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions)
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