Melancholic musings

My dear one, 

How thrilling it would have been to have you with me for the hike I undertook last Saturday. Pleasant conversation, perfect weather, panaromic views, personal records achieved!

I've gradually come to the sad realization that the one I had hoped to be you, my dear one, is not. It would be desperate and foolish of me to continue those hopes. It has been all too easy to become infatuated with someone of godly character who also happens to be a fine musician. Yet I need someone who is a strong leader, motivated, capable, articulate... Someone who not only demonstrates ability but also ambition... Someone who can be as comfortable on the hiking trail as he is in the concert hall... But could someone like that ever take notice of little ol' me?

A string of email declines to my requests for assistance within my organization have left me quite discouraged this week. Everyone claims to be "too busy to take on any more." And thus I find myself having to take on more and more.

My spring break is over, and I have five weeks remaining for the semester. April, for the past 15 years, has certainly been one of my busiest months. I want this April to be one in which I can find serenity within the eye of the storm.

My dear one, I've learned how to live without you. But that does not mean there is no place for you. I long to share in your joys and sorrows, be a helper to you in life, and strengthen your heart for the work God has for you to do. To that end I continue to pray for you, hard though it is to keep hoping against hope...

Your Evenstar

A fainting heart in need of courage

My dear one, 

A profitable Saturday... It started out with a short run around a lake before the sun warmed things up too much. Then I did some grocery shopping, sent out some emails regarding the statewide event I'm coordinating, and filed my tax return.

I end the day on a frustrated note, however, for I received a discouraging email from the VP of the organization I'm in. She basically notified me that she's bowing out of her responsibilities now, before her term is up, citing that she'd "rather focus on her business and spend time with her family... thanks for understanding." I confess I started to cry as I read those words, for a couple of reasons. First of all, I can't use family for an excuse for anything in life, and it's a punch to the gut when others use that excuse with me. And secondly, I've put so much time into this organization during my term as president, with little help and much agonizing. I literally made myself ill last month with the stress of planning this upcoming event. If I had any inkling that it was acceptable to bow out of one's duties prematurely, I would have thrown in the towel after year one. But here I am in the thick of my second year, counting the days until September when this is over.

Am I being selfish? I only took on this responsibility because I needed the experience for my professional curriculum vitae. I shouldn't be throwing this pity party. I just need someone to put an arm around me and offer some word of encouragement! I feel so, so alone.

At the lake this morning, I sat on a bench after my run and read through some treasured psalms. The Lord knew I'd need those words for today...

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

and my portion for ever.

Psalm 27:13-14
I had fainted, 

unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord 

in the land of the living. 

Wait on the Lord: 

be of good courage, 

and He shall strengthen thine heart: 

wait, I say, on the Lord.

My silence is my self-defense

My dear one, 

Why is it that there are so many small-minded, vain, insolent, deceitful, untrustworthy people, even in the supposedly Christian community? So much of the time I feel so very alone. I find myself wondering if you, the one I haven't met yet, could ever truly be as wise, prudent, honest, ambitious, and selfless as I would imagine you to be... and as I would need you to be.

It started out as a feeling, 

Which then grew into a hope, 

Which then turned into a quiet thought, 

Which then turned into a quiet word...

~~~

I spoke to you in cautious tones, 

You answered me with no pretense; 

And still I feel I said too much--

My silence is my self-defense...

~~~

All you can do is try to know who your friends are 

As you head off to the war...

So thankful that Christ is my Shepherd, Rock, and Light. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He will never let go of my hand or turn His back on me. 

Loved with everlasting love, 

Led by grace that love to know; 

Spirit, breathing from above, 

Thou hast taught me it is so! 

Oh, this full and perfect peace! 

Oh, this transport all divine! 

In a love which cannot cease, 

I am His, and He is mine. 

~~~

O Love that wilt not let me go, 

I rest my weary soul in Thee; 

I give Thee back the life I owe, 

That in Thine ocean depths its flow 

May richer, fuller be.

I would hope...

My dear one, 

When I work over in my mind the pros and cons of my singleness, it worries me to realize that my personality is very much suited to the unmarried life. 

With my need for solitude to recharge, could I get used to having you (and children) around all the time, or would you get on my nerves? I would hope that our marriage could be one in which you give me my needed space, while also helping me to overcome my selfishness.

With my tendency to carefully plan each day, would I be able to take in stride the arising needs that I am called to meet? I would hope that I could agree, with a smile on my face, to the hosting of unexpected dinner guests you brought home -- for if you shared with me your vision for our home being one of ready hospitality, I would learn to make provision in advance for unplanned opportunities.

With my love of performing and teaching, how successfully would I adjust to putting family first before personal/musical opportunities? I would hope that the quiet routines of homekeeping remain the desire of my heart, as they do even now amidst the busyness of my career responsibilities.

I see my own selfishness particularly clearly when it comes to matters of time -- the minutes and hours of my day. When a friend texts to inform me that a previously agreed-upon meeting time will not work and asks for an extra half-hour, hour, or two, my first response is to think to myself, "Well, if I had known that earlier, I could have slept in longer, or run three more errands, or cleaned the kitchen, or done a load of laundry!!!"

The longer we're apart, my dear one, the more difficult the adjustment to married life may be. It will be a process of ongoing sanctification, to be sure! But I value the leadership and wisdom you would bring to our marriage, and I pray for your growth in godly maturity even now.

Always, 
Your Evenstar

A weary teacher's musings

My dear one,

Thankful to be feeling back to normal after a very rough Sunday (either food poisoning or a stomach bug). Good friends stopped by after church to supply me with Jello, ginger ale, and apple juice. By some miracle, I had regained enough strength by Monday morning to fulfill my teaching responsibilities! And on this first day of March I enjoyed a beautiful morning walk before work.

I had a certain opera tune on repeat in my head (the tutti finale from Act I of Rossini's La Cenerentola) this evening, so I turned on FoxNews on my computer (I don't own a TV) to see what Super Tuesday election results were in yet. The news proved discouraging enough to turn off the news and turn to my Bach Brandenburg Concerto playlist. That will "cleanse the palate" of opera tunes and political harangue...

I've been worrying about one of my students lately. She refuses to show any emotion in her countenance, conversation, or musical performance. She is uncomfortable in her own skin, keeping everyone except her sisters at arms' length. She treats me like I'm poison... or maybe just dirt... no matter how much extra care and support and encouragement I give her. And I'm with her for an average of 6 hours a week, so it's taking a lot of special grace from the Lord to keep my heart in the right place! Most of all, I'm concerned for her spiritual condition. She professes to know Christ as Saviour, but she and her family show many symptoms of a certain cultish segment of fundamentalism known for its hypocrisy, fraud, abuse and misogyny. I've asked counsel from several of my colleagues, but most of all I need the same wisdom that Solomon found from the Lord! "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him" (James 1:5). [And honestly, one very clear sign of the Lord's help came the very moment I found myself distracted from the writing of this paragraph -- when I drifted over to my Facebook newsfeed, a friend had just posted a very pertinent article from a wise pastor!]

Other than that, my main focus these days is a major statewide event coming up in five weeks. I will be so thankful when my term as president of this organization is completed this summer! I don't think I have an administrative bone in my body... But this is my second year at this, so hopefully I've learned something that can help make this event even more successful than the last!

I could only wish you were here to chat with me, share a smile, and learn how much I've prayed for you.

Until then, my dear one... 
Your Evenstar

Holding hands with you in my dreams

My dear one, 

I have found a new favorite drink to fill the void left by my coffee abstinence -- I mix Tazo Decaf Chai Latte Concentrate with unsweetened almond milk and heat for a wonderfully comforting treat! I'm also loving Trader Joe's Harvest Blend tea (cinnamon, ginger, apple, orange, chamomile, hibiscus, etc.), and last autumn I stocked up with enough boxes to last me the year!

I had a dream last night that was so vivid that I weep now in recollection of it.

You and I were hiking with a group of mutual friends. At one boulder-scrambling spot, you turned back and offered me your hand to help me up. We spoke no words but the look between us communicated that we both felt the electric current of attraction. As the miles continued on, our hands met again and again -- for unnecessary reasons and increasing lengths -- until it was obvious to us both and to the entire party that this was something more, something real, something special.

You had a face, you had a name, but like in my real life, you say nothing.

I'm learning how to live with the silence, the wondering, the waiting, the hoping... I take it to the Lord in prayer and leave it in His hands. Your hand may never reach for mine, but He holds me in His hand forever, never to let go.

Psalm 139:7-10 
Whither shall I go from Thy spirit? 

or whither shall I flee from Thy presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, Thou art there: 

if I make my bed in hell, behold, Thou art there.
If I take the wings of the morning, 

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall Thy hand lead me, 

and Thy right hand shall hold me.

Isaiah 41:10
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: 

be not dismayed; for I am thy God: 

I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; 

yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of My righteousness.

Isaiah 41:13
For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, 

saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee.

John 10:27-29

My sheep hear My voice, 

and I know them, 

and they follow Me:

And I give unto them eternal life; 

and they shall never perish, 

neither shall any man pluck them out of My hand.
My Father, which gave them Me, is greater than all; 

and no man is able to pluck them out of My Father's hand.

Rainy Tuesday ramblings

My dear one, 

One major reason I continue these letters is that they encourage me to articulate ideas swirling around in my mind. 

Today was one of those needed "unproductive days." I fulfilled my few Tuesday responsibilities at work, threw together a green smoothie, and collapsed on the couch for a four-hour "nap." When I awoke and scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed that a good friend had tagged me on her link to a scathingly profound article by philosopher Roger Scruton. Both she and I are very much saddened at the pronounced decline in the quality of music promoted in our Christian circles, and Scruton's article, which addresses the larger secular community, makes similar observations. Referring to the banality of pop music, he laments:

"...You are rightly prevented from polluting the air of a restaurant with smoke; but nothing prevents the owner from inflicting this far worse pollution on his customers - pollution that poisons not the body but the soul."

And towards the end of the article he gives the encouragement to exercise and teach judgment:

"...The belief that there is a difference between good and bad, meaningful and meaningless, profound and vapid, exciting and banal - this belief was once fundamental to musical education. But it offends against political correctness. Today there is only my taste and yours. The suggestion that my taste is better than yours is elitist, an offence against equality. But unless we teach children to judge, to discriminate, to recognise the difference between music of lasting value and mere ephemera, we give up on the task of education. Judgment is the precondition of true enjoyment, and the prelude to understanding art in all its forms."

As my friend rightly commented, wisdom and discernment come from God alone. "Counsel is mine, and sound wisdom: I am understanding; I have strength" (Proverbs 8:14). The Lord demands our firstfruits (Proverbs 3:9-10), including the area of our musical choices (Psalm 33:3; Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16). Anything less is an affront to the beauty of His holiness (1 Chronicles 16:29; 2 Chronicles 20:21; Psalm 29:2; Psalm 96:9). There is no room for cheap, tawdry distraction in the life of the dedicated servant of Christ. "...Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things" (Philippians 4:8). My dear one, I can only hope and pray that you possess such discernment when it comes to your personal artistic preferences.

Eastern Coast of Iceland © 2012 Heather McGrath

I've been studying the book of Job. In addition to making my own notes in my new journaling Bible, I've been re-reading a Job commentary by Layton Talbert. One thought that has been running through my mind the past week is the insight Job makes in chapter 26, as he meditates on the glory of God as reflected in creation. Verse 14: "Lo, these are parts of His ways: but how little a portion is heard of Him? but the thunder of His power who can understand?" The ESV renders the first part of the verse, "Behold, these are but the outskirts of His ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of Him!" Talbert rewords Job's exclamation: "What we can discern of the infinite God from His works in nature and history are the mere coastlines of the continent of the mind and character of God." What a concept! My recent obsession with all things Icelandic has led me to some extraordinary landscape photography of the island (such as the coastline image in this post). When I meditate on the truth that the stunning revelations that God has given us in His Word and His creation are only the tip of the border of the magnificence of His glory and beauty, I can only fall on my face in worship as John did in Revelation 1:17. What a mighty God we serve! All we are and have is from His gracious hand. How can we give back to Him anything but our very best?

Only Christ can satisfy

My dear one,

I've come under conviction about holding you up, or even holding up the idea of you, as an idol without which I can't find true satisfaction. Though God has already picked you out for me (if you do exist), it will never not your job, nor is it in your power, to make me happy. Only the Lord Jesus Christ can satisfy the hungerings and thirstings and deepest longings of my soul.

Job 23:12
Neither have I gone back from the commandment of His lips; 

I have esteemed the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.

Psalm 34:8 

O taste and see that the Lord is good:

blessed is the man that trusteth in Him.

Psalm 36:7-9 

How excellent is Thy lovingkindness, O God!

therefore the children of men put their trust 

under the shadow of Thy wings.
They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of Thy house; 

and Thou shalt make them drink of the river of Thy pleasures.
For with Thee is the fountain of life: 

in Thy light shall we see light. 

Psalm 42:1-2
As the hart panteth after the water brooks,

so panteth my soul after Thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: 

when shall I come and appear before God?

Psalm 63:1 

O God, Thou art my God;

early will I seek Thee: 

my soul thirsteth for Thee, my flesh longeth for Thee 

in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.

Psalm 119:20, 103, 131

My soul breaketh for the longing

that it hath unto Thy judgments at all times.

How sweet are Thy words unto my taste!

yea, sweeter than honey to my mouth!

I opened my mouth, and panted:

for I longed for Thy commandments.

Isaiah 55:1-2
Ho, every one that thirsteth, 

come ye to the waters, 

and he that hath no money; 

come ye, buy, and eat; 

yea, come, buy wine and milk 

without money and without price.
Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? 

and your labour for that which satisfieth not? 

hearken diligently unto Me, 

and eat ye that which is good, 

and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

Matthew 5:6 

Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness:

for they shall be filled.

Matthew 6:33
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; 

and all these things shall be added unto you.

John 4:10
Jesus answered and said unto her, 

If thou knewest the gift of God, 

and who it is that saith to thee, 

Give Me to drink; 

thou wouldest have asked of Him, 

and He would have given thee living water.

John 4:13-14 

Jesus answered and said unto her, 

Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: 

but whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him 

shall never thirst; 

but the water that I shall give him shall be in him 

a well of water springing up into everlasting life.

John 6:35
And Jesus said unto them, 

I am the bread of life: 

he that cometh to Me shall never hunger; 

and he that believeth on Me shall never thirst. 

John 7:37 

In the last day, that great day of the feast,

Jesus stood and cried, saying, 

If any man thirst, let him come unto Me, and drink. 

1 Peter 2:2-3 

As newborn babes, desire the sincere milk of the word, 

that ye may grow thereby:
if so be ye have tasted that the Lord is gracious.

Revelation 21:6 

And He said unto me, It is done.

I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. 

I will give unto him that is athirst 

of the fountain of the water of life freely. 

Revelation 22:17b 

...And let him that is athirst come. 

And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

O Christ, in Thee my soul hath found,

And found in Thee alone,

The peace, the joy I sought so long,

The bliss till now unknown.

Refrain:

Now none but Christ can satisfy,

None other name for me;

There's love, and life, and lasting joy,

Lord Jesus, found in Thee.

I sighed for rest and happiness,

I yearned for them, not Thee;

But while I passed my Saviour by,

His love laid hold on me.

I tried the broken cisterns, Lord,

But ah! the waters failed!

E'en as I stooped to drink they'd fled,

And mocked me as I wailed.

The pleasures lost I sadly mourned,

But never wept for Thee,

Till grace the sightless eyes received,

Thy loveliness to see.

(B.E., 19th cent.)

Conduct in singleness

My dear one,

As I was leisurely getting ready for church this morning (Sunday School having been canceled due to morning road conditions), I found myself thinking yet again about a particular gentleman whose presence never fails to brighten my day. And though I continue to hope that, in God's providence, this young man could be you, I also found myself considering a scenario in which I tell you about him. And I would be able to do so without embarrassment or shame, for there is nothing unwholesome about my secret admiration for him. He is godly, thoughtful, smart, responsible, and gifted -- and it is those very qualities that cause me to notice him. Were you to know him, I feel sure that you would have already sought his friendship.

I would hope and pray that if you are currently pursuing another young lady, or have in the past, or will before you find me, that your conduct and regard for her would be wholesome and worthy of a Christian gentleman. And when you tell me about her qualities, I will respect you all the more for having looked for them in her, and I will strive all the more to cultivate those same qualities.

And yes, my dear one, I seek to cultivate those godly fruits even now ... and even if you never find me -- kindness, selflessness, modesty, holiness, joy, patience, faithfulness, "the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" (I Peter 3:4). I do this ultimately for the Lord, not for you.

May we both walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which we have been called!
Your Evenstar

Winter Wonderland

My dear one, 

Once again I find myself in an "unusual-for-the-South" winter wonderland. The snow fell silently all night after a Friday of freezing rain and sleet (or are they the same?). I woke to a brilliantly cold Saturday morning and a heart full of joy at the prospect of a long walk to savor the stillness and capture a few images. The snow coating the broad magnolia tree by my window is an especially beautiful anomaly!

Yesterday's icy conditions gave rise to the cancelation of classes, and I used the unexpected and precious gift of time to clean my apartment and write some needed emails for an event my organization is hosting in April. So now I'm enjoying this Saturday to the fullest -- baking cranberry orange muffins, drinking my favorite tea, Skyping with a far-away friend, browsing Instagram for inspiring Icelandic landscapes, and doing my best to ignore your absence. I'm chipping away at my 2016 book list, which includes such diversity as Massad Ayoob's Deadly Force: Understanding Your Right to Self Defense and the poetry of William Cowper.

If only I could invite you and your friends over for a bowl of hot soup and a muffin! Here's hoping that by the next snowfall I have found you...

Until then, 
Your Evenstar

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, my dear one!

Sleep evades me so I sit with a cup of tea, gazing at the lights of my Christmas tree. All my decorations are still up, and I'm in no hurry to take them down. Since arriving back home following time with my family, most of my time has been spent reading, writing, and prepping the course I'll be teaching this semester.

I have mixed feelings about the arrival of 2016. It has the potential to be a very good year, but I go into the year with some heavy responsibilities weighing me down. (If I make it to May in one piece, I'll be doing well.) What worries you the most about this new year?

My phrase for 2015 was "rich toward God," and this year I'm following that up with the word "stewardship." I need to cultivate disciplined intentionality in all areas of my life. Perhaps I'll expound on that later with some Scripture passages I'm claiming for 2016...

I spent a quiet New Year's Eve with friends, watching the new Cinderella movie and drinking sparkling cider. I didn't feel too much like the fifth wheel, but of course it would have been better if you were there with me.

Will this be the year we find one another? 
I still hope... 
Your Evenstar

Christmas Eve

My dear one,

Thinking of you on this balmy Christmas Eve. I enjoyed the annual tradition of watching the webcast of Tenth Presbyterian's Lessons and Carols with my parents, and am now sitting with the full moon in view. (Who knows, you could be looking at the moon right now too...)

Christmas Day will be quite low-key with my family this year, as always. One of my brothers arrives tomorrow after another Amazon shift, and a nice afternoon meal to share with my grandparents next door is in the works. Saturday may hold some family fun at the shooting range.

What traditions might you and I create together? Somehow I picture you wanting quiet and cozy -- nothing super-commercialized or materialistic. Perhaps with your family or mine, or maybe even off on our own.

But for this year, the mistletoe still awaits us... Pray for me, my dear one, as I do for you.

Waiting,
Your Evenstar

Social media: random current thoughts

My dear one, 

I've been quite tight-lipped on social media lately, feeling more and more that I don't fit the "mold," even in my Christian circles. I'm weary of being judged for my convictions, my decisions, my expectations. 


Just yesterday I "bit my virtual tongue" when one professional colleague posted a rant against holiday cards labeling her as her husband's property: 'To Mr. & Mrs. [John Smith].'" She claims to be a Christian and yet considers it "bad taste" and "gender-biased" to accept her husband's name. What I wanted to say was, "Dear [friend], may I offer you the traditional Christian view of this practice? The custom of taking the husband's name originated much earlier than English common law. In fact, God Himself initiated this pattern when He instituted marriage. 'Male and female created He them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created' (Genesis 5:2). It is not a statement about the wife being the husband's property, but rather an acknowledgement of the husband's headship within the marriage covenant. And furthermore, since a Christian marriage is a spiritual and physical union in the eyes of God, why should there be two names for one flesh?" I didn't say any of that... but perhaps I should have. It saddens me that, as a single person, I may be assumed to be a feminist who does not value or uphold the sanctity of marriage. Does my silence on the liberal views that cross my newsfeed imply my acceptance? Dear one, please know that for me to be your wife, will be to joyfully submit to your headship and honor your name. I'm eager for the day that I can show my friends that I accept and love this God-ordained order.

On the other end of the spectrum, another friend recently posted a tribute to his wife on their six-year anniversary, recounting the events leading to their marriage: "I was 31 years old, still single, and I felt like most of the ladies my age were already 'spoken for' or not interested in me. I earnestly desired to be married and had prayed many times for the Lord’s provision, but that door had been providentially closed different times in different ways. When [Jane] and I first started dating, my mother remarked a number of times, 'Here's this beautiful, godly, young lady who's been in school for a number of years. In all that time, how on earth did she not get snatched up by those guys over there?' My consistent response was, 'That's not hard to figure out, Mom. God had her saved for me.' Although I may have said that half-jokingly, I do believe that in God's perfect timing, He allowed [Jane] and me to minister in our single state for many years, but when the time was right, blessed us with the opportunity to minister together as one. I realize that God's long-term plan for some may be singleness (and in His plan, that can be a perfect path), but I would encourage the many single folks out there to be patient and wait on the Lord. His plan is perfect and His arm truly mighty to accomplish the desires of our hearts!" I sat there and cried for quite a while after reading that one, which proves that a resignation to God's will and the persistent yearnings for companionship are still doing battle in my heart. The Lord is continuing to teach me the lesson of "contentment in all things." I don't claim to have achieved that state as the Apostle Paul did ("I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content"), yet I'm growing in this journey of singleness as I uncover little by little what it means to "wait only upon God" (Psalm 62:5).

My prayers are ever for your strength, protection, and wisdom, my dear one. 
-- Your Evenstar

And the Lord will continually guide you,

And satisfy your desire in scorched places,

And give strength to your bones;

And you will be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

(Isaiah 58:11 NASB)

Restlessness

My dear one,

I'm feeling quite restless and confused these days. It would be a sweet mercy if I could just turn off my emotions and just productively plug away at my responsibilities. But no... my head and heart continue to battle -- so I am striving to cling to the verse that says, "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth." 

I pray that the Lord would enable you to make wise choices, enjoy edifying friendships, and follow in the narrow way that leads to life.

As ever, 

Your Evenstar

Whate’er pursuits my time employ,

One thought shall fill my soul with joy;

That silent, secret hope shall be,

That all my hopes are fixed on Thee.

(Jean-Frédéric Oberlin, trans. Lucy L. Wilson)

Autumn contemplations

My dear one, 

It's my favorite time of year. I love the bright blue skies of October, the leaden skies of November. I love the colors, smell, and crunch of the leaves. I love a steaming mug of spiced cider in my hands and a warm sweater wrapped around me.

Monday saw the deadline of a big project. I turned in my 427-page digital portfolio. Crossing my fingers that it passes the approval of my dean and the academic committee that is tasked with reviewing these kind of things. Approval would mean an advancement in rank and a pay increase. Someone asked me the other day if I was basking in my title of "Dr." Heavens, no! I still don't like using it. Still afraid it might keep you away from me, perhaps...

I am still fighting the battle for contentment in my singleness. Though my heart continues to whisper hope concerning one acquaintance, my head is becoming more insistent in its warnings of No. 

Why is it that men are generally either spineless or self-important? (And sometimes both!) I acknowledge the fact that there are outliers -- those rare instances of a gentleman who is walking with the Lord and humbly serving those around him -- and I ask the Lord in such weak faith whether I could ever be worthy of such a one. Worthy of you, my dear one.

O let my trembling soul be still, 

While darkness veils this mortal eye, 

And wait Thy wise and holy will, 

Though wrapped in fears and mystery: 

I cannot, Lord, Thy purpose see; 

Yet all is well since ruled by Thee! 

When, mounted on Thy clouded car, 

Thou send’st Thy darker spirits down, 

I can discern Thy light afar, 

Thy light sweet beaming through their frown; 

And, should I faint a moment, then 

I think of Thee, and smile again. 

So, trusting in Thy love, I tread 

The narrow path of duty on; 

What though some cherished joys are fled? 

What though some flattering dreams are gone? 

Yet purer, nobler joys remain, 

And peace is won through conquered pain. 

(John Bowring)

Taken from a moonroof before the camera could properly focus,
but I'm liking the impressionistic effect...