Marriage and melancholy

Today a dear friend from my college days married her special someone, and I watched the livestreaming video from afar... in tears. I almost turned it off several times just because it hurts so much to see the blessings and joys that the Lord grants to others while denying me. Like Job, I must learn not to question Why? but rather, What can I learn about my God?

This evening as I was preparing my Sunday School lesson, I came to the precious words at the end of 1 Samuel 1:19 - "...and the Lord remembered her." Hannah had poured out her heart's grief to the Lord. Like Hannah, I must cast my cares and burdens at His feet... including this grief of loneliness in my singleness.

I may never understand what the Lord is doing with me. I can only cling to the truth that He hasn't forgotten me, no matter how loud Satan shouts that lie in my ear.

December thoughts

My dear one,

How can we be halfway through December already? October, November, and December are my three favorite months, and as I drove to prayer meeting with the bright orange supermoon on the horizon and tears trickling down my cheeks, I grieved the fact that another year is almost past without me knowing your smile, your voice, your companionship.

I sit in the warm glow of the delicate white lights on my Christmas tree, and sip a peppermint mocha in celebration of turning in the semester's grades. If you were here I'd have you pick a Christmas playlist to serenade us, but as it is I'm once again defaulting to my favorite John Rutter carol settings.

This past Sunday evening I played for the Lessons and Carols Service at a beautiful church downtown where the people are truly my brothers and sisters in Christ. If my own church did not exists, that is where I would be worshipping week by week. The Lessons and Carols program was executed at a superior level to what my church will offer this coming Sunday evening, but of course that is not my sole criterion for liking or disliking, or choosing or rejecting, a church. Unlike the treacherous behavior of many in even my own church lately, I refuse to break my covenant of membership and loyalty for petty reasons.

After playing in that Lessons and Carols Service, I found myself strolling around the downtown area, admiring the festive window displays, scanning the variety of menus posted in the restaurant doors, gazing wistfully at the small ice skating rink set up for the season, and walking along our beloved bridge that spans a waterfall. Small delights... which I'm able to enjoy alone... but would treasure all the more with you beside me.

"O Little Town of Bethlehem" is playing right now on my Christmas playlist, which reminds me of God's covenant promises. How so? Well, I recently finished taking my Sunday School class through the story of Ruth, tying it into the promise of the Messiah that would be born in the very same town centuries later, in the genealogical line of that poor Moabite widow who was welcomed into the people of God. "The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee [Bethlehem] tonight... How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift is giv'n! So God imparts to human hearts the blessings of His heav'n. No ear may hear His coming, but in this world of sin, where meek souls will receive Him still, the dear Christ enters in... O come to us, abide with us, our Lord Emmanuel."

I pray that you will know the comforting presence of Emmanuel ("God with us") in what can be a very lonely time of year for those of us still waiting for a fellow-pilgrim to come alongside us as we travel this long journey. I don't know if you're ahead of me on the road, or waiting for me to stop so you can come up to join me, but I pray that the Lord will unite us soon.

Your Evenstar

November's end...

My dear one,

What perfect autumn weather I've been able to enjoy! Allow me to share some of the delightful views I captured (on my phone) through the past two months...

October bliss

"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers." 
– L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables

Is not this a true autumn day? Just the still melancholy that I love—that makes life and nature harmonise. The birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay, and begin to strew the ground, that one’s very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth and air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.

– George Eliot, Letter to Miss Lewis, 1st Oct. 1841

Quick September update

My dear one,

Just yesterday I completed a 13.5-miler (my longest hike to date) ... and I'm nursing a few scratches from the overgrown thorny areas. I am certainly looking forward to the autumn colors and cooler temperatures that will arrive soon! My fall teaching schedule is into a good routine now, and I feel like I should hold my breath lest an impending catastrophe upset this equilibrium. I'm thrilled to be finished with my responsibilities as president of the statewide organization that occupied a large portion of my energies these past two years. The Lord has brought some wonderful new students to my university studio, and He has given me a number of wonderful musical opportunities as well. I appeared on a faculty chamber recital earlier this week, played an offertory solo at my home church this evening and for the prelude and choir anthem at another local church this morning. I'll be playing a pops concert with my local orchestra this coming weekend, giving a faculty recital at my university in two weeks, and appearing as a guest artist for a solo recital and masterclass at an out-of-state university early in October. I have also recently taken on the responsibility of a Sunday School class of 4- and 5-year-olds at my church, after having assisted in the class for the past three years. I'm praying for wisdom as I teach them about the Old Testament judges and kings and point these young minds to Christ our righteous Judge and victorious King!

Tonight I'm enjoying some hot spiced cider and meditating on Psalm 33:18 as I pray over the coming week. Here's a translation/amplification I pieced together and re-worked from several versions of this beautiful verse:
The eyes of the Lord are upon those 
     who worship Him with awe-inspired reverence and obedience, 
upon those who hope confidently 
     in His tender compassion, unfailing mercy, and loyal love.
I'm praying that you know this truth in a special way this week!

Your Evenstar

Wrestlings

My dear one,

Ten years ago, I was entering my first year of teaching at the university level. In those ten years, I taught four years at the university, moved away for three years to earn a doctorate at a different university, and returned to teach three more years.

Ten years ago, I felt sure that I would meet you, that you would "notice me," that I would be married before too long. I regret many hours wasted in dreams of those who will never be you.

The other day, a friend asked me about you (or rather, about the one I still secretly pray could be you). I attempted to avoid blushing as I nonchalantly answered my friend's questions about "that young man." Should I be praying for "that young man" (i.e., "you") as my friend suggested? I have been trying to wean myself away from these heart hopes that still cling despite the head warnings. I feel so silly, so stupid, so shallow for continuing to want a husband and family when that is obviously not the direction my life has taken. How can I keep praying and hoping when the Lord is nothing but silent on the matter? I don't want to fight His will if His answer is a clear "NO"... but how would I know if He actually wants me to keep praying about this?

These wrestlings are not unique to me and my situation, I am sure. But they are real, and they keep me awake at night.

Here's hoping you meet me in your dreams tonight...
Your Evenstar

Even when He is silent...

My heart beats faster whenever I see a glorious sky like the one above, which I enjoyed Saturday night. Just as a beautiful sky is never adequately captured digitally, God's ways are never completely known by men, even by His chosen children. I dig in His Word during these long summer days, trying to find relief from His seeming silence. And I am met with the words Be Still. Sometime translated, "Cease striving." I can do nothing but wait patiently on the Lord, whose Word tells me:

Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow;
They toil not, neither do they spin.
Behold the fowls of the air:
For they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns.
The eyes of all wait upon Me,
And I give them their food in due season.
I open My hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.

Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden,
And I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon you,
And learn of Me;
For I am meek and lowly in heart:
And ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.

Remember Mary:
She sat quietly at the feet of Christ,
She listened attentively to His words.
Remember Martha:
She was distracted with much serving,
She was worried and troubled about many things.
One thing is needful:
Mary chose that good part,
And it will not be taken away from her.

As I have reminded you countless times:
"In returning and rest shall ye be saved;
In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength."
Return to Me, rest from your cares, quiet your mind.
Rest in My promises with confidence in My faithfulness.

Blessed are the meek,
The ones who are willing to be controlled by invisible realities--
The realities of Who I am and what I have promised.

I will keep you in perfect peace,
If you keep your mind stayed upon Me.
Trust Me.
Remember Who I AM.

.....

As I listen to this beautiful choral setting of "Even When He is Silent," I think on its poignant words...
I believe in the sun, even when it's not shining.
I believe in love, even when I feel it not.
I believe in God, even when He is silent.

.....

And I pray that my Heavenly Father will store up some beautiful sunrises and sunsets for me to enjoy with you, my dear one...

Shootings and protests, justice and righteousness

My dear one, 

I don't consider myself to be an activist of any sort, and I typically shy away from making political statements on social media. But I've been mulling over in my mind what I might be able to share regarding these horrendous shootings and protests against those who seek to protect us. In true INTJ fashion, I'm still wrestling with words, attempting to corral the swirling thoughts in my head and make some sense of them. Perhaps one day I'll have something witty to say. But for now, some of my thoughts for you to peek in on (for I see safety in confiding even confused ramblings to you)...

I'm proud to be an American, and I never cease to thrill at the sight of our flag. I'm thankful for those serving in our military. I respect the police and am grateful for their vigilance. I also exercise my right to carry self-defense weapons for protection of myself and my fellow-citizens. But I am first and foremost a citizen of a heavenly kingdom, and as such, I recognize that Christ is the only answer to the problems plaguing our world. Yes, we may grieve the ongoing issues of terrorism, abortion, racial prejudice, moral corruption, etc., but we must also admit that these are not new developments in our world. From the time of the Fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam's race (and no, there are not multiple races) has been hopelessly bound in sin -- sins of pride, sins of rebellion against God and the institutions He ordained. 

As the Westminster Confession of Faith so succinctly summarizes Christ's work for His people, "It pleased God, in His eternal purpose, to choose and ordain the Lord Jesus, His only begotten Son, to be the Mediator between God and man, the Prophet, Priest, and King, the Head and Savior of His Church, the Heir of all things, and Judge of the world: unto whom He did from all eternity give a people, to be His seed, and to be by Him in time redeemed, called, justified, sanctified, and glorified." Christ is the Victor, and in Him I place my trust and rejoice in my union to Him. Adam is no longer my representative; the Second Adam has kept God's Law perfectly and advocates for me before the throne of God. I am now dressed in Christ's robes of righteousness. Injustice against and suffering by God's people will one day be abolished. Sin will be judged, and righteousness will be established. 

...So what can I do in these "last days"? I must love God and love my neighbor. In loving God I must reflect His holiness in my attitudes and actions. In loving my neighbor I must exercise selflessness, pursue his good, and share the gospel of Christ.

Let love be genuine. 
Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. 
Love one another with brotherly affection. 
Outdo one another in showing honor. 
Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. 
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. 
Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. 
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. 
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. 
Live in harmony with one another. 
Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. 
Never be wise in your own sight. 
Repay no one evil for evil, 
but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, 
but leave it to the wrath of God, 
for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 
To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; 
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; 
for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
(Romans 12:9-21)

Gentle rhythms of summer

My dear one, 

Recent circumstances and conversations give me hope that although I have yet to meet you, good single men – you among them – are still out there somewhere. I still maintain my mental list of what kind of man you should be, but at the same time I have a growing feeling that you will be nothing like what I could envision. So how do I dare write to such an unknown gentleman? Am I better off ceasing to write in this space, choosing instead to focus all my energies on self-improvement and godly pursuits? Or dare I share more of my heart? 

The gentle rhythms of the summer season have done my heart good. My soul has been refreshed by time spent in the Word and in the books of godly men and women. My body has been invigorated through hiking adventures, strength training at the gym, and the nutrition of seasonal produce. 

I enjoyed a bit of time with my parents this past week. Because I live 600+ miles away from them, my visits are few. They live in a 600-sq-ft apartment, so it's definitely "cozy" when I'm staying with them! My grandparents, two doors down, are no longer in a position to offer me sleeping quarters, but Mom and Dad's living room has a reclining chair which was sufficient for a good night's sleep. I was definitely lazy during my time there, watching Wimbledon tennis with Mom, sharing mint chocolate chip ice cream with Dad...


I brought home some lovely fine china pieces that belonged to my great-grandmother, and while carefully washing them this afternoon, my mind wandered to think of the conversations that those delicate English teacups might have heard over the years. My great-grandmother was a very smart and accomplished lady who served as a dietician during WWI. It was during the war that she met and fell in love with the man who would become her husband. Though she came from a wealthy English family, she married that young American soldier for love, likely falling short of her parents' expectations for her. But they both loved the Lord first and foremost. That lady's son is my grandfather, now 90 years old. My grandfather showed me a note he keeps in his Bible, something his mother had written to him when he went off to serve in the Army during WWII. "My son, I do not worry about you. You know the Lord and He will go with you. Always love Him and look to Him in all you do. Your father and I love you very much."

And it is that godly heritage that I think about as I sip a cup of tea from her china teacup. The Lord knows my heart's desire is to have a daughter who will reflect God's faithfulness to her own generation and beyond.

What would we talk about if you were sitting with me now? I could share my growing interest in visiting Iceland someday. Wouldn't that make a picturesque honeymoon destination? You'd be sure to get an earful about firearms – my trips to the shooting range, my research on concealable semiautomatic handguns, my thoughts on the government's liberal agenda. We might compare our upbringings and discuss how we would hope to raise our own children. Would you trust me to educate our children and help me to do so? I might tell you about my burden for orphans and my enthusiasm over adoptions's portrayal of glorious gospel realities.

Wherever you are, my dear one, stay strong. I pray for you every day and I look for you in every smile. 

Always, 
Your Evenstar

Intimidatingly independent?

My dear one, 

On more than one occasion, I've worried that you won't give me a second thought because I'm "too independent." That you won't give me the chance to share with you my heart regarding the role of a Christian wife. That you won't want someone who is highly educated, with a terminal degree and a career in academia, etc... 

Perhaps the reason I worry about all this is that most of the men I know are—as Shakespeare termed it—"lily-livered." If you are the kind of man I would hope you to be, you actually want a strong, capable, intelligent woman by your side for a companion through life's journey. Not some giggling, ditzy trophy-wife to stroke your ego. 

Strong doesn't have to mean stubborn; on the contrary, I believe it takes a greater strength to graciously submit to one's husband than it does to be an uncompromising shrew. Independent doesn't have to mean self-ruling or sovereign; rather, it can refer to a responsible individual who has learned to make hard decisions and "do hard things" rather than push them off on someone else. 

You will not complete me, and I cannot complete you. You and I are already both complete in Christ. But in God's time, by His will, and for His glory, He can unite our hearts and lives to accomplish together much more than we can on our own. 

Until then, I'll continue to be that "intimidatingly independent single girl," submitted to Christ and praying for you...

If you were here

My dear one, 

I imagine that if you were here, you'd accompany me on an evening run around the lake. Then you would sip a cup of tea and enjoy a bit of reading as I washed the supper dishes. In the background, this album would be serenading our evening. After I finished cleaning up the kitchen, perhaps you'd read a chapter of the Bible to me and we would pray together. 

You know what? All of that has still happened, just without you. I did go for a run, clean up the kitchen, drink a cup of tea, listen to music, read my Bible, and close the day in prayer. 

And perhaps if you had been here, none of that would have happened. 

But I'd still choose you over all the little special blessings of my current singleness. 

Still hoping, 

Your Evenstar

Hiking highs

My dear one,

On Friday I took my first truly solo hiking adventure, since my usual hiking buddy had a rehearsal. It was a wonderful time of meditation and prayer in God's beautiful creation! The fog was heavy as I started out on the first trail. Spring is just arriving at that altitude.

A beautiful little gazebo emerged from the fog. I must admit my first thought was: "This would be the perfect place for a marriage proposal."

I spied several different wildflowers, including dog-violet and trillium...

The second trail I began was quite rugged. Nervous about doing it on my own, I soon turned back.

The final trail took me through a balsam forest. The aroma of the balsams was intoxicating and the view at the summit exhilarating!

How much more exhilerating it would be to hike with you...!

Summer excitement

My dear one, 

As they say, the three best things about being a teacher are June, July, and August. 
(And for a college professor, that can be adjusted to May, June, and July.) 

I'm halfway through my first of 14 weeks of summer, and am already confident of it being a much more productive break than last summer. I've made a list of summer priorities, including goals for my spiritual life, music performance and professional development, health and fitness, finances, summer teaching, ministry opportunities, and traveling... and I'm officially excited! 

The only thing missing from that list is meeting you. Honestly, this summer would be a really good time if you want to show up... Look for me out on the hiking trails, in the concert halls, and exploring fun little restaurants downtown. 

All my love, 
Your Evenstar

Good hope through grace

My dear one, 

The exams are finished, the grades in, the regalia soon to be donned this afternoon. This time of year is a bittersweet mix of goodbyes, nostalgia, and relief. And I can't recall a year in which Commencement Day had more perfectly cool weather (given the fact that the southern sun and doctoral regalia typically conspire to overheat this exhausted professor).

I had a rather unsettling dream last night, in which I found renewed reason to hope. Why can't my subconscious let go of what my resolved heart has determined to forget? To be honest, the constant barrage of engagement announcements and wedding invitations isn't helping my frame of mind. I cried driving home last night as the weight of loneliness felt crushingly intense. 

What new experiences does this summer bring for you? Is your work wearisome? Are you praying for wisdom concerning hard decisions? Do you find yourself refreshed in the Lord? The words of 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 come to mind: 

Now our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, 

and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, 

and hath given us everlasting consolation and good hope through grace, 

comfort your hearts, and stablish you in every good word and work.

I'm praying this for you, my dear one.

Your Evenstar

Now

My dear one, 

If ever I felt keenly your absence, 
wanted to share with you my hope and dreams, 
wondered what struggles you are facing, 
it is now. 

If ever I hoped that the traits you are known for 
are loyalty, 
humility, and courage, 
it is now.

If ever I wanted someone to cook for, 
snuggle with, 
and spoil in general, 
it is now.

If ever I sensed that you're praying for me, 
thinking about me, 
hoping to meet me, 
it is now.